Alright, let’s have a real chat about dating when you’re fabulous and over 50. I see it all the time, especially here in Perth. Wonderful, vibrant singles put themselves out there but accidentally shoot themselves in the foot.

What’s the culprit? Often, it’s a monster-sized expectations list. This list is less about finding a genuine connection. It’s more about righting the wrongs of the past or chasing a perfect ideal that doesn’t actually exist.

You know the drill. We come out of a long marriage, or a few shorter ones, and suddenly we have this mental checklist. “He has to be taller than me, earn more, love my kids, hate golf, and never leave a sock on the floor!” On top of that, we pile on everything we felt we “deserved” but never got last time.

Sound familiar?

Here’s the harsh truth & real dating advice for singles over 50!

When you load up your dating criteria, you create a high barrier. You end up missing out on genuinely great people. You’re essentially chasing a lie, a perfect fantasy. It exists only in your head, and it causes you to overlook the real, imperfect, and wonderful human beings right in front of you.

This isn’t about settling. This is about being smart and open-hearted. It’s about finding real happiness, not a movie script.

So, how do we ditch this impossible checklist? How do we open ourselves up to real love?

5 Tips for Singles Over 50 to Avoid this Trap

1. Shift Your Focus from “What I Want” to “How I Want to Feel”

Don’t list physical attributes, job titles, or specific hobbies. Instead, focus on the emotions you want a partner to evoke. Do you want to feel safe, respected, cherished, or simply happy? This opens you up to a wider range of people who can meet those core needs. it is also the best Dating advice for singles over 50.

2. Distinguish Between Deal-Breakers and Preferences

Be honest with yourself. Is his slight paunch truly a deal-breaker? Or is it a preference stopping you from getting to know an incredibly kind man? A deal-breaker is something that fundamentally compromises your values or happiness. A preference is something that would be nice, but isn’t essential. Let go of the superficial preferences.

3. Heal Your Past, Don’t Project It

If your last relationship left you with unmet needs, process those hurts before you date. Don’t go into a new connection expecting someone to “fix” what your ex lacked. Every person is unique. They deserve to be seen for who they are, not as a remedy for your past wounds.

4. Embrace Imperfection (Yours and Theirs)

Newsflash: you’re not perfect, and neither is anyone else. The magic of a mature relationship lies in accepting and loving each other’s quirks and flaws. If you expect a flawless individual, you will be endlessly disappointed. Look for compatibility, kindness, and shared values—not perfection.

5. Go Fishing Where the Fish Are (and Be Present!)

You won’t catch a fish from your couch! And you won’t find love if your mind is constantly comparing potential partners to an unrealistic ideal. Get out to singles events. Try online dating with an open mind. When you’re on a date, be on the date. Listen, laugh, and genuinely try to connect with the person across from you.

Dating Advice for Singles Over 50

Dating over 50 is a wonderful opportunity to find companionship, joy, and deep connection. But it requires a realistic, open-hearted approach. Ditch the fairytale checklist, focus on how you want to feel, and be present for the amazing people who are truly out there. You might just be surprised by the incredible “fish” you catch!

If you want specific dating advice for singles over 50, why not look at the different types of ways I can help you?

The post Ditch the Dating Wishlist: How Over 50s Can Find Real Love (Not Just a Fairytale) first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

The post Ditch the Dating Wishlist: How Over 50s Can Find Real Love (Not Just a Fairytale) appeared first on Debbie Rivers.

Hey ladies, ever feel like your dating app messages are about as exciting as watching paint dry? Yeah, me too. We’ve all gotten those “Hey” or “How’s your day?” boring messages that make you wanna scream.

But guess what? You’re not the only one! Guys get those same boring first messages too especially on Bumble.  So, how do we stand out from the crowd and start a decent conversation (and maybe even a date)?

Here’s the thing: there’s no magic “formula” to send the perfect first messages. The key is to be YOU, the awesome, witty, and woman you are! Let your personality shine through and ditch the one-size-fits-all approach.

But wait, before we start, let’s keep a few things in mind for the first messages:

• Short & Sweet: Guys aren’t usually big fans of novels in a text message. Keep your first messages short, 10-20 words is ideal.  Remember, they don’t need a blow-by-blow account of your day. You want to create interest and a little mystery. Leave him wishing he knew more about you.
• Personalize it: Use his name it makes it seem personal and builds a connection! It shows you looked at his profile (bonus points for referencing something specific!).
• Fun & Flirty: Dating is supposed to be fun, right? Put some humour or a playful vibe to grab his attention in your first messages.
• Conversation Starters: Don’t just ask dead-end questions. Spark a conversation that he can respond to!  If you are telling him something, don’t forget to say, ‘How about you?
• GIFs are your BFFs: A funny GIF can be a great way to add personality and break the ice.
• Timing matters – Sundays or early in the week are great times to message. 

  7 First Messages – The Tips You Need

Okay, now that we’ve got the basics covered, let’s get creative! Here are a few ideas to get those message juices flowing:

1. The Smile Swipe

Remember that warm, inviting smile you give someone cute across the room? Channel that energy in your message!

Example: “Hi, Jake, see this message as a quick smile, with a little longer than normal eye contact 🙂

2. First Messages – Emoji’s

Ask him to describe himself using just 3 emojis! This is a fun way to learn about his personality and break the ice. Just remember to ask him about his choices and share yours too!

Example: “So, [Name], tell me about yourself in 3 emojis!  My turn next!”

3. First Messages – GIF it Up!

Find a GIF that perfectly captures your message or mood. There’s a GIF for everything these days, so get creative and have fun!

4. Two Truths and a Lie (Dating App Edition!)

If he has this prompt on his profile, use it! Even if he doesn’t it is a fun way to get to know each other and spark a conversation.

Example 1: Matt – let’s play two truths and a lie. Tag, you’re it!

Example 2: “Hey Matt,  two truths and a lie. I’ll go first! 1. I can speak fluent French. 2. I once won a pie-eating contest. 3. I’m afraid of heights. Guess which, your turn next!”

Example 3: If he has this as a profile prompt have fun with your guess and tease him a little. 

5. Multiple Choice – Your New BFF

Who doesn’t love a good multiple-choice question? Remember to keep it light and fun!

Example: “Sunday Funday priorities: A) Catching up on work B) Hitting the gym C) Netflix marathon D) Long, indulgent lunch ️ E) Something else entirely! Spill the beans, [Name].”

6. Compliment in a Message

Guys love compliments just as much as we do! Throw in a dash of humour to make it extra playful.

Example: “Swiped right because A) 60% your amazing smile B) 40% your dog is ridiculously cute …or was it the other way around? ” (P.S. If he doesn’t have a dog, swap it out for something else in his profile!)

7. Deep Dives are for Later

It’s tempting to get into the big questions right away, but save that for when you meet! Keep things light and fun for now.

Remember: The goal is to start a conversation, not write a dissertation. If you hit it off, he’ll eventually ask you out. But if things are dragging, don’t be afraid to nudge things along with a playful message like:

• “Can’t wait to see if you’re as funny in real life! “
• “Dying to know if you’re as easy to talk to in person as you seem online! “

There you have it, some practical ways to ditch the boring messages.

If you would like to see more texting examples you can read 3 Startling Examples of Online Messaging that Gets Results. Or if you want more personalised help, why not work with me?

Debbie x

The post Ditch Boring! Fun First Messages to Send Guys on Dating Apps! first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

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Ever feel like your relationship’s gotten stuck in a rut? You’re reading a book, engrossed in that juicy chapter, and BLAM! Your partner interrupts – for what feels like the hundredth time this week. It’s annoying, right? You just want some peace and quiet, and suddenly you’re snapping at them.

Seems like a small thing, right? Life’s busy, everyone needs some downtime. But here’s the thing: these “small things” add up. Maybe you’ve told your partner something important, and they forgot again! Suddenly, sarcasm takes hold, and before you know it, you’re in a full-blown fight about why they never listen. Sound familiar?

We all fall into this trap, myself included. But what if I told you there’s a way to break free? And guess what? It’s not some grand gesture or crazy expensive couples’ retreat. It’s super simple. (Don’t take my word for it though, this is based on over 50 years of research on couples just like you!)

When it comes to relationship advice small things matter!

One Simple Thing to Change Your Relationship!

Here’s the deal: The Gottman Institute, a powerhouse in relationship research, discovered a game-changer for happy couples. And it all boils down to how you respond to those “little moments” throughout the day. They call it a “bid for connection.”

Think about it: that interruption while you’re reading? That is your partner’s way of reaching out, of connecting with you. The Gottmans say there are 3 ways couples typically react to these bids: turning towards, turning away, or turning against.

Turning towards

It’s acknowledging your partner’s bid, showing them you see and hear them. Even a simple “hmm” can do the trick.

Turning away

This is the silent treatment, basically ignoring their attempt to connect.

Turning against

Is the negativity bomb – getting annoyed, irritated, shutting them down completely.

These might seem like tiny actions, but they have a huge impact. The thing you need to realise is that when it comes to relationship advice small things matter the most. 

Here’s how it plays out:

Scenario 1: You’re glued to the TV when your partner asks, “Did you see what I just sent you?”

• • Turning towards: You look over, “Oh, I just got it. Let me take a look.”
  • Turning away: You keep your eyes glued to the screen, a silent “not now.”
  • Turning against: “Ugh, can’t you see I’m busy?!” 

Scenario 2: You groan on the couch. Believe it or not, that’s a bid for connection!

• • • Turning towards: Your partner asks, “Is everything okay?”
    • Turning away: Crickets. They keep doing their thing.
    • Turning against: “What’s wrong with you NOW?” (Yikes, not the response you wanted!)

Scenario 3: You’re buried in the newspaper when your partner points out something happening outside.

• • Turning towards: You look up, “What is it?”
  • Turning away: You bury your nose deeper in the paper, pretending you didn’t hear them.
  • Turning against: “Seriously? Can you not bother me for five minutes?!” (Relationship meltdown imminent).

The post The Secret Weapon in Your Relationship: It’s Not What You Think (But It’s Easier Than You Think!) first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

The post The Secret Weapon in Your Relationship: It’s Not What You Think (But It’s Easier Than You Think!) appeared first on Debbie Rivers.

You might feel these are harmless actions but the reality is you are showing your partner contempt!

This is a bad thing! Showing contempt is one the one obvious sign your relationship is doomed.

This isn’t just my opinion, it is backed by research! Renowned relationship researcher, Dr John Gottman, identified contempt as one of the biggest signs that your relationship is headed for a breakup or divorce. It is one of the four ways you can communicate that will lead to the end of your relationship. 

What is Contempt?

Contempt isn’t a word we use every day, so what does it mean?

According to the dictionary, contempt is the feeling that someone or something is worthless or beneath consideration.

Think of contempt as the opposite of respect!

You can see how that can kill any relationship, right? Especially coming from the person who is the most important to you, the person you want to be seen and heard by.

What Does Contempt Look Like?

Contempt can show up in so many subtle ways, including being passive-aggressive.

• Rolling your Eyes: That subtle (or not-so-subtle) nonverbal cue that screams “Ugh, really?”
• Sarcasm with a Sting: Behind the illusion of humour there is a jab that puts your partner down.
• Name-Calling and Insults: Striking a low blow and lessening your partner’s worth.
• Hostile Humour: Jokes that target your partner’s insecurities or create a tense atmosphere.
• Acting Superior or Better Than: Constantly putting down your partner’s opinions or making them feel inadequate.

Why is Contempt So Destructive?

Imagine trying to solve a problem with someone who looks down on you. It’s impossible! Contempt wears down the trust, creates distance between you, and allows resentment to grow. Open communication, the foundation of a healthy relationship, crumbles under the weight of contempt.

How to Solve Contempt in Your Relationship

There’s good news! You can overcome contempt and build a stronger relationship. Here’s how:

1. Awareness 

You might have grown up in a home where everyone was sarcastic and might not realise how it affects your partner. Recognise that you are using contempt and be aware of the effect that can have on your relationship. When you are ‘aware’ of your actions and their impact, then you have the power to change them.

2. Decide

Have a discussion with your partner where you both decide not to use contempt when you are talking to each other.

3. Use Direct Communication

Don’t assume your partner automatically knows how you feel. Instead of using indirect communication which is often passive-aggressive, say how you feel.

4. Communicate Openly and Honestly

Respectfully express your feelings.

5. Focus on

“I” Statements: Instead of blaming (“You always…”), express how their actions make you feel (“I feel hurt when…”). When people are ‘blamed’ they can automatically become defensive. Talking about your feelings without blame helps the other person understand what you are feeling.

6. Practice Empathy

Try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Treat the other person, how they would like to be treated.

7. Embrace the 5:1 Ratio

Dr Gottman’s research found happy couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, even during conflict. 

8. Make a conscious effort to be kind

Decide that you will give your partner small acts of kindness, appreciation and affection. Do little things often – it is one of the best ways to turn your relationship around! There are so many simple ways you can be kind! Have fun trying different things to bring a smile to your partner. Simple examples are:

• Compliment them.
• Say thanks for the little things they do that go unseen.
• Help them without being asked.
• A hug or kiss goodbye.
• Listening without judging or wanting to fix their problems.

These small deposits in your partner’s “emotional bank account” create a foundation of love and respect, making it easier to deal with the inevitable arguments/disagreements.

9. Get Professional Help

If you’re struggling get the right type of professional help.

Remember…..

Remember, a healthy relationship comes from mutual respect, understanding, and a consistent effort to build communication so the other person can hear you. By recognizing and addressing contempt, and actively creating positive moments, you can build a stronger, more loving partnership.

Debbie x

The post The One Obvious Sign Your Relationship is Doomed! first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

The post The One Obvious Sign Your Relationship is Doomed! appeared first on Debbie Rivers.

In 2024, NATO Dating and embracing the plot twist will be two of the biggest trends. But, before I tell you about NATO Dating and embracing the plot twist, let me tell you Sara’s story.

Sara’s Story

Sara was frustrated! She was able to be successful in her job but not when it came to men. She came to see me as she wanted something different. 

Sara told me:

“I seem to be able to fall for the guy who enjoys hanging out with me but doesn’t want to commit. When I look back, I can see I have dated four of these men in a row! Men don’t want to commit anymore.”

“At this point in my life, I am ready for a real relationship, and I don’t want to waste any more time,” is what Sara said to me in her coaching session.

Sara worked with me to change this pattern, and I am happy to say she is now with a man who she loves and who wants the same things as she does.

The real truth is that there were plenty of good men who wanted a relationship; Sara just needed to change her pattern of choosing the ones who didn’t.

Sara also believed she would know instantly and missed out on great men by not giving them more than a quick coffee date.

The truth is that only 11% know if someone is the one when they first meet! Meaning a whopping 89% don’t! I taught Sara how to give it time and be open.

Dating Trends 2024, Including NATO Dating

Now, as we look at the dating trends of 2024, it’s important to recognise that Sara’s experience is not unique. Many singles find themselves caught in similar patterns, navigating a dating landscape that feels confusing and disheartening. 

Let’s look at two dating trends for 2024—NATO Dating and Dating for the Plot. You’ll see how these approaches will help you break free from old patterns. Just like Sara did! And, just like Sara, you will see what is possible for you. 

These dating trends give singles a different way of seeing dating. One that focuses on enjoying the journey rather than fixating on the destination.

#1 NATO Dating – Not Being Attached to the Outcome

In a world where we expect instant results, NATO Dating gives a fresh perspective. NATO Dating means not being attached to the outcome of a date. The pressure to find out if you like each other can be overwhelming, and this trend is about letting go of preconceived ideas and allowing things to happen naturally.

Too many singles go on a first date expecting to find their person, their soulmate. However, research suggests that a staggering 89% of singles don’t experience that instant connection. NATO Dating reminds us that relationships are a gradual process, and it’s okay not to have all the answers after a single date.

By trying NATO Dating, singles can become more open and less impatient. This approach allows authentic connections to grow over time, creating a foundation based on genuine compatibility and shared experiences.

However, it is essential to make sure that both people are on the same page with the type of relationship they want. While NATO Dating is liberating, it’s important to communicate your intentions with your potential partner. Some people aren’t ready for a committed relationship but might still value the companionship of dating. Clarifying expectations makes sure both people are aligned and can enjoy the journey without any misunderstandings.

#2 Dating for the Plot, Not the End

Dating for the plot gets its inspiration from the world of film. It encourages singles to enjoy the unfolding story of a relationship rather than fixating on the endgame.

Think of it like watching a movie. You wouldn’t fast-forward through the entire plot just to see if the protagonist gets the girl, right? You’d savour the twists and turns, the quirky characters, the unexpected laughs, and maybe even the occasional tear. Dating for the plot is all about appreciating the present moment, the shared experiences, and the emotional rollercoaster (in a good way!) that comes with getting to know someone new. It’s about letting the story unfold naturally, without forcing a happily-ever-after before the opening credits have even rolled.

This trend recognizes that the beauty of a relationship lies in the shared experiences, growth, and connection that develop over time. Dating for the Plot is about making the most of each chapter of their romantic journey, allowing a deeper connection that goes beyond the superficial part of dating.

You can find out more about how to enjoy dating in: From Dread to Delight, the Secret to Enjoy Dating.

Keep in mind that if you are dating for the plot, just like NATO dating, you need to want the same type of relationship.

How to Make NATO Dating & Dating for the Plot Work for YOU

Of course, navigating these new trends requires a bit of wisdom Not everyone who is on Bumble is on the same page, and that’s okay!

Here are some tips for making sure you’re on the same wavelength as your date:

1. Be upfront about what you want

During casual conversation, you get the chance to see what your date’s perspective on relationships is and what their dating goals are. Are they open to something casual, or are they actively seeking a committed partner? Open communication is key to avoiding disappointment down the line.

2. Focus on quality, not quantity

 Instead of racking up dates like trophies, prioritise meaningful connections with people who share your values and interests. Quality conversations take time. Instead of having a 30-minute coffee date, allow time for a walk and coffee or something else. It will be worth more than a dozen swipes on a dating app.

3. Don’t be afraid to walk away

If your date’s expectations don’t match yours, it’s perfectly okay to politely excuse yourself. Remember, NATO Dating is about protecting your emotional well-being. Enjoy the company, but don’t get attached to an outcome that isn’t there.

What does it Mean?

Embracing NATO Dating and dating for the plot doesn’t mean giving up on love. It simply means approaching it with a healthier, more realistic perspective. Focus on the present moment! Enjoy the ‘journey’, and be honest about what you want. It will give you an authentic, fun and fulfilling dating experience. So, put down your expectations, grab your popcorn (or a glass of wine, if that’s more your style), and get ready to enjoy the show! You might just be surprised by the plot twist waiting around the corner. Happy dating, singles!

P.S. Don’t forget to share your own NATO Dating and plot-twist experiences in the comments below! We’d love to hear your stories.

Oh and if you are looking for a good podcast, why not listen to my Dare2Date Podcast?

Debbie, Relationship Coach

The post 2024: The Year of NATO Dating and Embracing the Plot Twist first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

The post 2024: The Year of NATO Dating and Embracing the Plot Twist appeared first on Debbie Rivers.

Most days I hear singles complain about dating and tell me how much they hate it. I can understand how you feel as I have been there myself. 

The problem is that hating dating and complaining about it makes it harder to put yourself out there. 

So, let me help you enjoy dating rather than dreading it with 5 simple tips to change the way you see dating. 

5 Tips to Take You from Dread to Delight:

The Secret to Enjoy Dating

1. Be Optimistic, to Enjoy Dating!

It is easy to b*tch about dating, it helps you deal with it. I understand, I have been there. But the b*tching can switch to verbally bashing the opposite sex. Suddenly you find yourself in the trap of thinking that ALL men are a*seholes and ALL women are b*tches or even gold diggers.  That just isn’t true!

Instead of focusing on the bad experiences focus on the good singles you meet and look for more opportunities. What you focus on you will see more of! Being optimistic and positive are attractive, winning qualities that will always make you more successful in life and in your dating life! It will also make you enjoy dating. Be more like sunshine than a dark stormy day!

2. Dating is a numbers game!

I am sure you have heard the cliché dating is a numbers game. It is a cliché because it is true. You need to meet as many people as you can to find the right match for you. If you are only meeting 6 singles in a year, it is easy to feel you can’t find a good man or a good woman!

3. Realistic Dating Expectations Help You Enjoy Dating

This one is important. I am going to direct this one at women because I see way too many of my clients fall into this trap. You need to be wise enough to know that one good date does not mean you have found the ‘one’ or that you are starting your dream relationship. Instead, you need to wait to see if he texts, calls and keeps making time to see you. Believe me when I tell you that the man who wants a relationship with you, will leave you in no doubt that is what he wants. You won’t feel the level of anxiety you feel with unavailable men. Don’t settle for crumbs, be clear about what YOU need in a relationship. Let the person’s actions match their words. This allows you to enjoy dating.

I want you to know that it takes time to get to know who someone is. Have the wisdom to not fall in love too quickly or get your hopes up early in the dating process. The reality is you need to go on six to 12 dates to know if they are a good match for you. 

Look for consistency in their actions. That they continue to pursue you, follow up and do what they say they are going to do. This should be part of how you decide if someone is right for YOU. If they don’t make time to see you don’t continually hang in there, hoping they will change. Cut your losses and move one to someone who can.

4, Enjoy the Process

Take each date for what it is, a chance to meet a new person. Enjoy that experience without projecting into the future!  You might go on one date or three dates or might marry them but what you need to do is be capable of enjoying the moment without imagining what the future will be. Believe it or not, this will allow you to enjoy dating.

When you take the pressure off that first date and have fun meeting new people it allows you to relax. It lets you have good conversations, laugh and even learn something new (all of these things have their own value outside of dating).  Instead of focusing on the outcome you are in the moment!  

This will make a huge difference and make you stand out from all those people who bring the energy of dreading or disliking dating.  You need to realise that what you are feeling your date will feel too! So, if you go out thinking dating is like a 2^nd job you hate, the people you date will feel that too. If it is tedious for you, it will be for them too!

5. Things Don’t Always Work Out & That’s OK

Dating is a process to find someone you are compatible with. Sometimes you will decide the other person is not a good fit and other times they will decide you are not a good fit. Yes, it is disappointing when you finally find someone you like and they don’t return your feelings. Yet, the real honest truth is the right person won’t disappear. So, that just means they are NOT your person.  The right person is still out there.

Every person you meet brings you one step closer to the right one for you! Imagine if you knew you would meet the right person after 20 dates. You would joyfully go into each one, knowing you are closer to the one. Having this way of thinking makes it so much easier to enjoy dating.

If you Still Struggle to Enjoy Dating

It might be time to get some help! As a Dating & Relationship Coach that this exactly what I do for my clients every single day! I also know first-hand how to enjoy dating and that helps. In fact, I went from enjoying dating to enjoying the right relationship for me! That could be you too! Why not give me a call and see how we can work together?

Debbie, Relationship Coach

The post From Dread to Delight: The Secret to Enjoy Dating first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

The post From Dread to Delight: The Secret to Enjoy Dating appeared first on Debbie Rivers.

Hello, lovely readers! Have you ever been confused by a man’s behaviour? You know how he can be interested one moment and then be distant!

Today I want to explain why men do this by looking at the Rubber Band Theory. The Rubber Band Theory was introduced by Dr John Gray, a famous Relationship Expert. The theory explains why men pull away from the people they are dating or in a relationship with.

Let me show you what this looks like when you are dating

You’ve finally met a guy you like and everything is going great. He sees and contacts you all the time and you can tell he is interested in you.  You start to think that this could be the real thing. But then, suddenly, he backs off. You’re left feeling confused, annoyed and maybe even a little angry. After all, he went to all that trouble to get you to like him, only to pull away now? What the…..!

This is exactly why you were hesitant to open up in the first place.

You start to feel insecure and needy. All you can think about is him and why has he changed! Getting his reassurance and feeling close to him again is what you want.  But he either doesn’t answer you or he shuts down. He might even tell you that everything is fine, but you can tell that it isn’t.

It leaves you feeling insecure and needy! And you didn’t think you would ever be that girl! Your automatic reaction is to try to move closer to him, to fill that gap between you. You want the answers to what’s happened and if he is still interested in you.

When you do this, he just pulls away even further! Leaving you even more confused and anxious, so you chase after him even more! You find yourself changing from that easy-going person to someone who is needy and looking for attention.

All this does is leave him wondering how the girl who was so cool and easy to be with has become so needy. And then he moves even further away without realising that it was his actions that caused the change in you!

So, let’s unlock the mystery of this why men do this.

Cracking the Code of the Rubber Band Theory

Men and women may be equal, but they have different approaches to relationships because they have different emotional needs. Women tend to crave intimacy and closeness, while men need more space to process their emotions. This is why a man may pull away from his partner, especially when he feels overwhelmed or stressed. He may need some time to himself to breathe and process his feelings.

In the dating phase, a man may also pull away to work out what he feels for you. He may be unsure about his feelings and need some time to figure things out. This is a normal part of the dating process.

The rubber band theory is a way of understanding why men need the right amount of distance. When a man pulls away, it’s not because he doesn’t love you or that he’s not interested in you. It’s because he needs some space to process his emotions. If you can understand this and give him the space he needs, he may eventually come back to you.

Rubber Bank Theory Broken Down

Alright, let’s break down the rubber band theory. Imagine this: You and your guy are like two ends of a giant rubber band. Your relationship works when there is the perfect amount of distance to keep the rubber band around you both.

If he moves away and you move towards him, the rubber band will just fall to the ground. If you pull too far back, the band will snap. 

When there’s a bit of tension and distance, that rubber band pulls him back to you – and that’s a good thing! But here’s the catch: too much tension, and snap the band breaks! Not enough tension, and he’ll keep drifting away. 

Basically, the rubber band theory is that men often experience an inbuilt instinct to pull away and create emotional space. They have the exact opposite reaction to the one that women would have. That is why is so confusing.  

The need to pull away doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s not interested in you. It just means that he needs some time to himself to regroup.

When this happens while you are dating, it is important to understand that men often need to pull back, to create space to work out how they feel about you. If they miss you and realise they have strong enough feelings for you they will come back.

How to Navigate the Rubber Band Theory

The simple answer is to not give into your natural instinct to move closer to him. Instead, when you feel him pulling away, you do the same.  Mirror what he does, no matter how hard that feels for you.  If he is busy then make sure you are also busy and not sitting around waiting for him. When he pulls away, you pull away. It creates that tension and causes the rubber band to pull him back to you.

The key is to respect his need for space without taking it personally or trying to make him see you. Give him the space he needs and focus on yourself instead. As hard as it may be to do – lean back!

3 Tips to Deal with The Rubber Band Theory

1. Respect his need for space. Don’t take it personally if he needs some time to himself.

2. Focus on your own self-care. I know that when someone you like pulls away, you are left feeling insecure and needy. It is a normal human reaction! Your instinct is to close the space between you by texting or trying to get his attention. But instead of focusing on him, focus on your own self-care and keep yourself busy. Spend time with friends and family, do things you enjoy and take care of yourself. When you find yourself thinking about him, redirect your thoughts to something else!

3. Communicate with empathy. Don’t punish him when he comes back. Instead when he does come back, talk to him with empathy and understanding. Talk to him about how you felt during his absence and be open to listening to his point of view. Honest, vulnerable conversation is the key to strong relationships where both of your needs are met.

Recognising the Difference: Space vs. Lack of Interest

It’s important to work out the difference between the man who needs space and the man who isn’t interested in you.

1. Actions speak louder than words. If a man needs space, he’ll still show you affection and commitment when he comes back. When he’s not interested, he’ll be more distant and emotionally unavailable. The truth is that if he continues to be flakey and distant, recognise that he is not the man for you and don’t waste any more time on him. Recognise him for what he is, an unavailable man! Don’t make excuses for his behaviour.

2. Consistency matters. A man who needs space will consistently come back to the relationship and want to reconnect with you. It won’t just be when it suits him to do so! The pulling away shouldn’t be a continual pattern either where he spends more time away from you than with you (that is a sign of someone who isn’t emotionally available). The man who isn’t interested in a real relationship with you will often just see you when it suits HIS needs or he will be likely to disappear or flake out. Again pay attention to this!

3. Trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is. Trust your instincts and don’t be afraid to walk away if you’re not getting what you need from the relationship. Never consistently sacrifice your needs for theirs – that isn’t a healthy relationship.

The Rubber Band Theory Isn’t an Excuse

The rubber band theory is helpful to understand why men sometimes pull away. By understanding and respecting each other’s emotional needs, you can build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. If you would prefer to watch a video, I explain The Rubber Band Theory in a YouTube Video.

However, the Rubber Band Theory is not an excuse to allow men to treat you badly, by being continually distant, inconsistent or only seeing you when it suits them. This is not what I am talking about in this article, nor was Dr John Gray in his book.

If you find yourself in an anxious pattern of dating where you don’t recognise the signs until it’s too late, I can help! I can do this by giving you the tools to break the pattern and find the relationship you have always dreamt of. 

I hope this was helpful! As always, I’m here to support you on your journey to love and empowerment.

Debbie, Your Empathetic Relationship Guru

The post The Rubber Band Theory: How to Understand Why Men Pull Away & What to Do first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

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Inconsistent Men

So, you know how it goes – he asks you out, sends sweet messages and compliments you like crazy. It feels great! But then he starts to pull back from you, leaving you feeling confused. So, to reassure yourself you think about all the messages, compliments and the great time you had the last time you saw him. Of course, it means that he’s into you, right? 

But here’s the thing you missed:

What about those times when he does NOTHING?

It’s tempting to make excuses for his behaviour, like saying he’s too busy or shy, or maybe he’s just scared. But let me tell you, lovely ladies if a guy doesn’t make the effort to see you regularly, it’s a clear sign that he’s not serious about you. And trust me, you don’t want to waste your precious time on someone who can’t consistently see you.

If he doesn’t make the effort to see you regularly, it’s a clear sign that he’s not serious about you. 

🚩🚩 🚩 So, it’s time to pay attention to his inconsistent behaviour.🚩 🚩 🚩 

Pay Attention to Inconsistent Behaviour

No matter how sweet his words or emojis are, actions speak louder than words! Actions will always speak louder than words – even those sweet text messages he sends you!

If a man is interested in you, he won’t ignore you. He’ll make an effort to see you, talk to you and get to know you. If he’s not doing those things, it’s because he’s not that into you.

Trust me when I tell you not to waste your precious time on inconsistent men.

Now, I know it’s tough not to reach out to him or try to figure out what’s going on in his mind. But remember, it’s not your job to decode his mixed signals. Let those inconsistent men reveal their true colours by giving them space and doing nothing for a change. Silence is a powerful message!

If he’s still ignoring you despite liking you, remember that his lack of action says it all. He might have chased you in the beginning, but this inconsistency is a clear sign that he’s not the right match for you. His actions simply don’t match the attraction you feel for him. See him for what he is – one of those inconsistent men!

What You Should Do About Inconsistent Men

So, here’s what you should do – let his actions show you what he really wants. Don’t invest your time and emotions in someone who can’t be a compatible partner, no matter how attractive they may seem or what they say.

No matter how much you like a guy or how good you feel when you’re with him, it’s important to focus on his actions rather than his words. Recognise this pattern for what it is and see the red flag🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩! That is how you will outsmart those inconsistent men and save yourself from heartbreak.

Remember, you can’t control how someone else behaves and it’s not your fault if a guy starts ignoring you. Don’t waste your energy trying to change him or waiting for him to become serious. Trust me, it’s not worth it.

Don’t put up with this confusing behaviour, thinking it will change. If you find yourself constantly questioning, “Is he into me?” take it as a clear sign that he’s not. Don’t hold out and be patient, hoping he’ll suddenly become serious and consistent. Either he is serious or he isn’t. It’s that simple.

How You Recognise a Man Who is Ready for a Relationship

So how do you know if a man is relationship ready? Here are a few signs:

• He calls you at least once a week or more.
• He takes you on dates at least once a week.
• He texts you in between and stays in touch.
• He wants to get to know you.
• He tries to please you and win you over.
• He introduces you to his friends and family.

Look for a man who is ready for a committed relationship, someone who calls, takes you on dates, stays in touch and genuinely wants to know you. These are the signs of a man who is ready to invest in a loving partnership.

There are plenty of great guys out there, and the right one for you is waiting to sweep you off your feet. So, keep your standards high and don’t settle for anything less than you deserve. True love is out there, just waiting for you to claim it! ❤️🌟

If you want an easy way to find out if a man is right for you, why not check out How to Find the Best Match for You?

Or reach out and book a free discovery call and we can work out a plan for your success.

Debbie, Relationship Coach

The post Why Does He Ignore Me If He Likes Me? Let’s Unravel the Mystery! 💔💭 first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

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Does it stop you from putting yourself out there? 

Do you find yourself thinking that it is easier to put your attention anywhere and everywhere else because at least then you feel like you are getting some success?

If your answer is yes, let’s look at what anxiety is,

When you look at the definition, you can see that it is normal to feel nervous when you don’t know how something will turn out, right?

With that in mind would you like a practical way to deal with your anxiety? Are you ready to change your dating experience and approach new people with confidence?

If you answered yes, you are in the right place. Because I’m a Dating and Relationship Coach who has made it my life’s mission to help singles just like you get over that feeling of anxiety. I know that when you do, you will be able to enjoy dating as well as get results.

Why it’s Important to Deal with Your Dating Anxiety

Feeling anxious when you are doing something outside of your comfort zone is normal. Knowing that nerves are normal makes it easier to deal with.

It’s important to deal with your dating anxiety as it is the thing that stops you from making the most of your dating experiences. You HAVE to deal with your anxiety or it will limit you and what is possible for your life. It can stop you from making meaningful connections, finding a partner and enjoying life/romance. When you have a way to deal with your anxiety, you will then be able to be open to what is possible.

12 Practical Exercises to Manage Dating Anxiety

Exercise #1: Self-Reflection and Awareness

Take time to look at what causes your dating anxiety.  Understand what triggers your anxiety, what do you fear and where that fear comes from. When you can understand this, it will help you effectively deal with the triggers and the fear. I also want you to be kind and compassionate to yourself, because anxiety is a natural response when stepping outside your comfort zone. Fear and excitement are two sides of the same emotion.  

Exercise #2: Deep Breathing

Your body’s response to stress is automatic. Stress makes your heart beat faster and your breathing get faster and even shallow. However, just like your nervous system can change your breathing, your breathing can change your nervous system. In fact, breathing is the easiest way to calm and reduce your anxiety. 

When you feel anxious, find a quiet place and take slow, deep breaths. Inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a few seconds, and exhale slowly through your mouth. 

Or you can do something that is called balanced breathing. Sit in a comfortable relaxed sitting position, with a straight spine and relaxed shoulders and breath in deeply from your diaphragm. Count in for six breaths and out for six breaths, while you keep your breathing slow and even. Do this for 2-4 minutes, the longer you do the breathing the better you will feel. 

When you finish this exercise notice how much calmer you feel.  I recommend. that you do this a few times a day for a couple of weeks at the same time of day. You will find that at that set time your body will automatically go into a calm state.  The good news is that the mental, emotional and health benefits you’ll receive from practising balanced breathing are scientifically proven to be long-lasting.

Exercise #3: Power Pose

The power pose is something that takes you two minutes and works. It was developed by  Amy Cuddy. To do the power pose, you take 2 minutes to stand with your hands-on-hips, feet squared, standing up straight, and shoulders back (you will look like Wonder Woman/Superman).  This has been proven to increase your testosterone, reduce your cortisol (stress hormones) and also allow you to take more risks.

Your body language actually affects how you feel and how you are perceived by others. When you are nervous you will often make yourself smaller by looking down and hunching your shoulders so you won’t be noticed. It not only makes you look smaller but also makes you feel less confident. It has the opposite effect of the power pose because people will see you as less confident. 

Exercise #4: Positive Visualisation

Visualise yourself having successful conversations. Imagine yourself having interesting conversations, laughing and being relaxed talking to the type of people you would like to. This works because your brain doesn’t know the difference between imagination and reality. This makes visualisation a powerful tool to use to practice without having to be worried about failure. It is something elite athletes use to improve their performance.  By imagining yourself having positive outcomes, you’ll create a confident mindset.

Exercise #5: Self-Compassion

Remind yourself that it’s normal to feel anxious. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your feelings without judging yourself. Remember, everyone experiences nerves before a date or in situations that are outside of their comfort zone.

Exercise #6: Mindful Grounding

Use mindfulness techniques to stay present and grounded. To do this all you need to do is pay attention to your five senses – notice the sounds, sights, smells, and textures around you. 

Try this: breathe, feel, hear, touch and see what is going on around you. For example, if you were outside you could breathe in the smell of the flowers, feel the cold air on your face, hear the birds singing, touch the grass and notice the beauty of the trees. As you breathe in say a simple positive affirmation, like “I am safe” as you breathe in and “I am calm” as you breathe out. Do this for a few moments, it will give you a way to move from your anxiety to a place of peace. This a simple yet effective way to get you out of your head and takes your focus from anxious thoughts to the present moment.

Exercise #7: Conversation Preparation

Prepare conversation starters or interesting topics to talk about. Having a mental list of conversation ideas can help you deal with the fear of awkward silence and keep the conversation flowing smoothly. But don’t get caught in the overthinking trap. It is more important to be yourself and talk about what you enjoy. 

Exercise #8: Listening

Put your attention on really listening to the other person, it is called active listening. Instead of putting your focus on yourself, put your focus on the other person. I guarantee they are probably feeling as nervous as you are.  Make it a habit to listen twice as much as you talk.

Pay attention to what they are saying, make/keep eye contact and genuinely interested in them. Active listening helps redirect your focus from your anxiety to the present moment and the person you’re talking to.

Exercise #9: Mindful Approach to Dating Apps

When you go onto a dating app, use it mindfully. Set yourself boundaries, limit screen time, and approach it as a tool for connection rather than a source of stress. Remember, it’s a way to explore potential matches, and not every chat has to lead to a lifelong commitment.

Exercise #10: Progressive Exposure

Gradually expose yourself to social situations and dates. Start with low-pressure situations, like making conversations with people you meet during your day, going to a meetup group with people you don’t know, and going on casual meetups with friends or group outings. It allows you to become comfortable talking to people you don’t know and see that terrible things don’t happen when you do. As you become more comfortable, challenge yourself with more situations and even one-on-one dates. This progressive exposure helps build your confidence and resilience.

Exercise #11: Positive Self-Talk and Affirmations

What you say to yourself will affect how you feel. Take the time to notice what you are saying to yourself in your head. Instead of telling yourself that you are useless or no one will want to talk to you, be kind and positive to yourself. 

If you focus on what makes you feel nervous it will only feel more nervous. STOP IT! Stop those thoughts and stop saying them to yourself. Part of your anxiety comes from the pressure that you’re giving yourself, as well as the fear of rejection.  Imagine you are going to meet a friend who you wouldn’t worry about what they will think of you and how they will judge you. It takes the pressure off you. 

Remind yourself of your worth, your unique qualities and the value you bring to conversations and potential connections. Embrace a growth mindset and believe in your ability to navigate the dating world with confidence.

Exercise #12: Seek Support and Guidance for Anxiety

You don’t have to do it alone. Get help from friends, a therapist, or a dating coach. Discussing your anxieties and getting guidance can give you valuable insights, encouragement, and practical strategies to navigate the dating scene.

These Exercises Work to Deal with Anxiety!

You might be thinking, “Will these exercises make a difference?”

Yes! If you use them. These exercises have worked for so many people to help them deal with their anxiety and nerves. With practice and patience, you can gradually build confidence and overcome the anxiety that may stop you from getting the success you deserve.

Finally on Anxiety

I encourage you to start using these practical exercises. Take the time to notice the positive effect they can have on your confidence and experiences. Remember, feeling anxious is natural, but it doesn’t define you or your potential for success.

As you use these practical tools and believe in yourself, you will see your nerves transform into exciting opportunities for connection.

You might also want to read 8 Ways to Deal with Dating Frustration for more proven practical exercises.

If you have any questions or would like further help, please feel free to reach out. You can even book a free call to help you on the spot. 

Wishing you fun and fulfilling dating experiences!

Debbie, Dating & Relationship Coach

The post 12 Practical Exercises to Kill Dating Anxiety & Make Dating Easy first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

The post 12 Practical Exercises to Kill Dating Anxiety & Make Dating Easy appeared first on Debbie Rivers.

If you are looking for love and have been hurt in the past,  you might have been guilty of self-sabotaging potential relationships.

Has this been you?

You are finally dating something you like, things are going well. Then something changes, maybe they say or do something and you start to feel insecure or needy. It’s a horrible feeling and you may start to go into a familiar pattern of behaviour that doesn’t work for you. That could be sending an insecure, needy or emotional text message or saying things that you wish you hadn’t.

Because you felt insecure you have self-sabotaged again!

You wish you hadn’t acted that way and find yourself in another cycle of beating yourself up about doing it. You feel like it is your fault that the person pulled away and you wish you could have a 2^nd chance.

What is self-sabotage

The dictionary meaning of sabotage:

Deliberately destroy, damage or obstruct (something)

Self-sabotage is when you are doing that to yourself!

Why

Why do you want to deliberately cause yourself pain or destroy what could have been a great relationship?

It is an unconscious safety mechanism especially if you have been hurt. Did you know that all behaviour, positive and negative has a positive reason? Even the ones that cause you frustration and hurt. It may not get you what you think you want but it is keeping you safe from experiencing something that you have experienced in the past.  If you have had a traumatic relationship in the past you can see why your unconscious is protecting you from that happening again.

Self-sabotage

Self-sabotage usually comes from your unconscious fears and patterns coming up. It is an unconscious way of protecting yourself. It can happen because you subconsciously sense that the person is in some way dangerous or will hurt you. It could be that they are unavailable or even they are the same type of person you have dated before who wasn’t right for you.

Your patterns come from your beliefs and unresolved emotional problems.  When you are self-sabotaging you are getting in the way of your own happiness. That could come from fear, from feeling like you aren’t good enough, feeling insecure or you are terrified of being vulnerable and opening yourself up to being hurt again.  

When you self-sabotage you aren’t in control of your own actions and that will always make you feel worse.   It makes you feel insecure and out of control.

It stops you from growing as a person as well as potentially wrecking relationships that could have been good in the long term.  It leads to you repeating negative repetitive patterns.

Breaking the Pattern Of Self-Sabotage

To break the pattern of self-sabotage, you will need to look within yourself to find the underlying causes and work through those emotional blocks or fear-based beliefs.

You need to be able to come from a conscious awareness of what the situation really is. When you are able to do this you can set boundaries, see red flags and make healthy choices that put your own well-being/safety over the potential of others!

You can then keep yourself safe. Allowing you to grow and have healthy boundaries. So, you create more fulfilling and balanced relationships.

It gives you the self-awareness and desire to avoid situations that could potentially harm your emotional or mental well-being. Instead, of welcoming them in to wreak havoc! Like a fox in the hen house.

It gives you the ability to make choices that align with your values and needs.

7  Tips to Banish Insecure Texts for Good

Here are useful steps you can take to help you break that pattern and have a healthy way of communicating. 

1. Examine What you are Feeling and Why You Feel Insecure

Take a moment to breathe deeply.  Then I want you to examine what you are feeling and the reason that you have had the feelings. Think about what is happening to cause you to feel the way you do. Has something changed?

Has the other person started to act differently, contact you less, ignore your texts,  flirt in your company, etc?

It may feel like the way you are feeling has come out of nowhere but that is never the case. Identify what is bringing up those feeling for you.

Are your feelings an overreaction or are they valid?

Are you making assumptions or catastrophising? When you catastrophise you have irrational thoughts where you believe something is much worse than it is.  

Be honest with yourself.

It may bring up a belief that you have like, everyone leaves you, everyone cheats or you have to lose yourself to make someone else happy.

It may bring up a familiar pattern of self-sabotage or it could highlight that you actually need to protect yourself. Your feelings may just highlight that you are dating someone who is unavailable or not just ready for a real relationship.

Listen to those feelings instead of just blaming yourself for feeling needy or insecure. 

2. Pause

You might want to send a text message to let them know exactly how you feel but don’t. Text messaging is the worst way to communicate your feelings as the other person doesn’t get to see your body language or tone of voice. It is even worse when you are emotional or feeling insecure. You also don’t get to see how the other person responds and if they ignore you then it can leave you feeling even more anxious and needy.

Text messaging is the easiest way to make misunderstandings bigger. It can leave you both feeling worse and can even wreck the potential of your relationship.  

Wait until you can talk face-to-face. Or even a phone call. Consider the tone, timing, and content of your conversation. Aim for clarity, positivity, and authenticity.

I would also add:  Don’t text when you are having a couple of drinks. When you drink alcohol, it shuts down the rational judgement side of your brain and allows you to take risks you wouldn’t otherwise take.

3. Manage Your Own Emotions

Take care of and manage your emotions. This may feel hard to do at the time but saves you so much drama in the long term. There are things that you can do to feel better. Like calling a friend, going for a walk or distracting yourself by doing something you enjoy.

Talk to friends you trust when you feel the urge to send needy or insecure messages They can give guidance, and encouragement, and help you gain perspective.

4. Be Patient Instead of Insecure

I know this is hard but take things slowly when you are building a relationship. It will let you see who someone really is, rather than who you think they are! It can be so easy to get caught up in someone’s potential rather than who they actually are. 

You want to be in a relationship where the other person has emotional maturity. Where you can both talk about what you want and need. That creates a healthy relationship. Understand that building a connection takes time and that it’s important to allow things to unfold naturally. Trust the process and resist the urge to push for immediate validation.

In a healthy relationship, you will both show real interest in each other’s feelings – even the negative ones. Life isn’t always positive and your relationship should be a safe space where you are able to listen and support each other. You don’t want to be with someone who runs at the first sign of difficulty or challenge.

You also don’t want someone who shuts you down or shuts you out either, because they feel that you are too much drama or hard work. That is neither safe nor will it make you happy in the long term.  It is important to really listen to each other so you can grow a deeper balanced relationship.

5. Set Boundaries

Establish clear boundaries for yourself around how you will communicate. Make it a rule to not overwhelm the other person with a stream of text messages. Especially if your reason is looking for continual reassurance. Allow space for them to start conversations as well.

6. About You

If you have been through difficult or traumatic relationships it can rock your confidence and how you feel about yourself. In fact, bad relationships can have a huge negative impact, even on someone who is confident.

It can make you start blaming yourself and that makes you feel like you aren’t good enough or that you are a failure when it comes to relationships. 

Don’t beat yourself up for this. Be kind, and compassionate to yourself like you might be to a friend.

Take the time to work on your own self-esteem/worth. In a low moment remind yourself of your worth, strengths, and unique qualities. Celebrate your individuality and focus on personal growth.

Get clear about what is important to feel in a relationship. Things like being seen, being heard, being with someone who is emotionally intelligent and kind! Then when you see behaviours that don’t match what you are looking for it is easy to take action and now waste time on someone else who isn’t available/

Oh, and you may just be able to recognise the reason you are feeling the way you do. That it is not about you, but rather dating someone who isn’t ready, etc.

7. You Don’t Have to Do it Alone

If your neediness or insecurities continue despite your efforts, consider getting help to work through what is really happening from someone who is able to see the situation objectively. I regularly work with my clients to break patterns of self-sabotage so they can finally find and accept a healthy loving relationship.

Conclusion

Understanding and addressing your self-sabotage patterns allows you to grow as a person and have healthy relationships. It will allow you to trust your own instincts, so you can make choices that match your values.

Building a healthy and fulfilling relationship is a journey. It is important to be self-aware, to manage your emotions  and communicate in a way that you can be heard.  It will allow you to create more authentic connections with potential partners.

Finally, know and trust that the right person will appreciate and value you for exactly who you are.

You can read more about the reasons you self-sabotage in The Reasons Why You Self-sabotage When Dating and How to Stop.

If you are struggling to break a pattern of self-sabotage, book a free discovery call to find out how I can help you. You have nothing to lose. 

Debbie, Relationship Coach

The post 7 Game-Changing Tips to Banish Insecure Texts for Good! first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

The post 7 Game-Changing Tips to Banish Insecure Texts for Good! appeared first on Debbie Rivers.

It’s normal to feel a range of contradictory emotions when you go through the separation process.

You will also have more time on your hands than you did when you were in a relationship! It can feel quite lonely being on your own for the first time. 

It’s normal to miss having someone in your life and it makes you feel like dating. The problem is that you’re not sure if this is a good idea especially as you are still going through the separation process.

Dating after divorce can be difficult but if you are still legally married and going through the separation process it can be even harder.

As a Dating & Relationship Coach, I regularly see what happens when people date before they are ready to.  They end up hurting themselves and the people who were ready for a committed relationship. 

8 Things to Consider  During Your Separation

1. Is Dating During Separation  Legal

If you live in Australia, adultery isn’t a crime. However, in some parts of the world, it still is.

2. Do You Need Time on Your Own?

This is a great question! I am sure you have seen plenty of people jump straight into the dating pool as soon as they start the separation process. Others go from one relationship to the next.  However, I wouldn’t recommend you rush into a new relationship even if you can.  It can solve your loneliness but can create more problems than it solves. 

I recommend you get used to being single again. Allow yourself time to process your feelings, help any children involved in the separation process their feelings and grieve the death of your relationship. Take the time to rediscover who you are and what you want.  You can do all those things you have always wanted to do without criticism. Learn how to be by yourself rather than fear it.

3. Be Clear

If you have decided you are separating make sure you are clear. Does your ex know that it is over? Or are you giving them mixed messages?

If you have told them you are taking a 6-month break to work out what you feel, they won’t expect you to date. If they found out through other people that you are dating, it will feel like a betrayal and make your separation process so much harder.

4. Make Sure it’s Over Before You Date!

If you are still emotionally invested in your previous relationship you are not ready to start dating someone else. Just because you have started the separation process does not mean that you have cut emotional ties with your ex. If you have ANY hope of getting back together, then you are not ready to start dating.

5. Don’t Date to Make Your Ex Jealous

If your ex has already moved on don’t use dating as a way to get back at them or make them feel jealous. You will only hurt yourself and the person you are dating.

6. Have the Talk with Your Ex First

If you want to keep the divorce friendly then it’s a good idea to talk to your ex about your plans to start dating. This shows respect for your partner. Be honest and transparent. This will help keep the discussions on practical matters like the finances and custody of children from being affected by an emotional backlash. Especially if they are holding out hope that you will get back together, only to find out from one of their friends you are already dating.

7. Don’t date to Fill In Your Blank Spaces

Separation can feel lonely. It can be tempting to date whoever is available. You might do this to make yourself feel better or to fill in the gaps or blank spaces left by your ex. Dating someone as a stopgap or as a replacement is unfair both to you and the person you date. Especially when you haven’t taken the time to heal. You are taking advantage of their emotions when you aren’t ready to give them what they need. It may feel good for now, but you are setting yourself up for more emotional pain in the long term.

8. Feel Your Feelings

When you separate you will feel ups and downs. Some days you will feel hopeful and you will see the possibilities. On other days you may feel like a failure and be full of guilt. Take the time to feel your emotions without beating yourself up. Don’t date too early or for the wrong reasons. Forgive yourself and give yourself time to heal; slowly, you will start feeling whole and ready for the future.

Separation – If You Are Ready Be Honest

If you do decide to date be honest with the person you are dating Don’t lie about your situation or mislead anyone. Don’t list your status on a dating app as divorced if you are only separated as there is a big difference between the two.

Let the people you date know what you are looking for. If you are want something serious or if you are wanting company but not ready for much more. You may find people don’t want to date someone who is going through the separation process as they have been burnt before. 

If you want some tips on dating, you can read How to Date When you are Newly Single.

Dating After Separation Conclusion

Going through a separation is a tough time, if you need support coaching can provide that. Why not book a free discovery call?

Debbie, Relationship Coach

The post Am I Ready to Date After my Separation – 8 Things to Consider first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

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The journalist asked the question because of what was happening in Season 10 of the Australian Married at First Sight.

Two brides, Bronte and Lyndall, were trying hard to make their relationships work with men who don’t like them very much. Both Harrison and Cameron have been anything but subtle about their feelings.

Neither Harrison nor Cameron wants to give these women any more than they already have.

Yet the two women were trying everything to make it work!

They were trying to work out what was happening and make excuses for their partner’s behaviour. Rather than seeing it as a BIG RED danger sign. Or see it for what it is, men who don’t want to be with them.

Lyndall tried to find reasons why Cameron didn’t kiss her and thinks it could be because he is afraid of emotional intimacy.

While Bronte continually excused Harrison’s gaslighting.

You might just say it is scripted and all for the show on TV. Yet, it is something I see women do ALL time!

It is common for women to be delusional about a relationship where the man isn’t that into them. They waste so much time investing in a relationship that will never work. In fact, one that isn’t even worth fixing.

Why do women do it?

7 Reasons Women Date Men Who Don’t Want to be With Them?

1. Low Self-Esteem

They have low self-esteem. They need to get the other person to like them to feel ok about themselves. If they win the guy back, they will be worthwhile. This never works as it is too much pressure on the other person

Also, if you have low self-esteem you may feel deep down that you don’t deserve any better. Or you might think that you won’t find anyone else who will love you, so you put up with it. If you want to know how to improve your self-esteem – How to Love Yourself.

2. Invested

They have invested so much in the relationship that they can’t let it go. They continue to see the potential of the person rather than what is right there in front of them.

3. Believe it Will Change

Belief it will change and go back to when it may have been good. They believe they can change the man who is either bad for them or not that into them. Or even help them overcome their ‘flaws’.

4. Blame Science

It’s not their fault, blame it on science! The chemical mix that is released when you have sex, as well as when you fall in love has the same effect as taking drugs. Those chemicals can block pain and stimulate the same part of your brain that cocaine does. Just like that drug addict, that chemical mix will make you do anything to get another hit. When you lose your ‘supply’ it will also make you feel physical pain like you would if you were withdrawing from drugs. No wonder you don’t want to give up and act crazy when you don’t have it any more. When they say love is a drug, they weren’t kidding!

5. Patterns

They have an unhealthy pattern of dating the wrong type of person. This could happen for a number of reasons, like past experiences,  childhood, their own unique love programming (something I work with my clients to change) or their insecurities.

6. Attraction

They are attracted to certain qualities. That could be charm, confidence, excitement and even a sense of danger. They can all be exciting to start with but can end up being destructive.

7. Society

There can also be pressure from society, family or the people around them to be in a relationship even if it isn’t great. They may feel like they are failing if they are single.

Conclusion of Men Who Don’t Want to Be with Them!

If you are reading this and see yourself, please don’t beat yourself up. The reality is that when you want something to work out, it can be easy to blindly hold onto the idea of that happily ever after instead of seeing the signs.

If you are stuck in this pattern, I can help. To find out how why not book a free discovery call to find out how. 

Debbie x

The post 7 Reasons Women Date Men Who are Don’t Want to be With Them first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

The post 7 Reasons Women Date Men Who are Don’t Want to be With Them appeared first on Debbie Rivers.