7 Underrated Ways to Increase Your Confidence and Trust Yourself Again

Confident

Want to know 7 underrated ways to improve your confidence?

 

Has your confidence taken a hit? It could have happened for so many different reasons.

Maybe you have:

  • Just come out of a failed relationship.
  • You are having difficulty in your relationship and it is taking up all of your time and energy.
  • Been cheated on. It hit you hard and it has affected your own confidence. 
  • You have been rejected by someone you dated or even were in love with.
  • Have been rejected more than you would like to admit.
  • Getting older and you worry that no one will find you attractive anymore.
  • Keep making mistakes.
  • Choose the wrong people and don’t trust yourself anymore.

You could be doing well in other areas of your life but the sh*t from your relationships is getting to you. It is undermining your confidence! And quite honestly affecting other areas of your life including the ones you are doing well in.

You can’t help feeling that you aren’t good looking enough, thin enough, young enough, not enough or even too much!

Whatever the story you are telling yourself is, it makes your life hard. If you are in a relationship it takes all your time or if you are single it makes it hard to put yourself back out there and meet someone.

You don’t feel you can be yourself – because that isn’t working. It’s so much easier to stay home. You can’t get rejected there, right!

Or maybe you are caught up in the self-sabotage circle.

You don’t feel great about yourself so you mess up in a million different ways rather than risk getting hurt again.  At least that’s in your control!

 Or you are stuck in the validation trap – where you feel so bad about yourself that you continue to date to feel better about yourself. Yet all this does is bring more people into your life who are toxic or who treat you badly.

It makes you doubt yourself and the people you meet.

 This will be especially true if you have come out of a relationship that didn’t work out the way you wanted it. This could just be with someone who didn’t want what you did or it could be dating someone who was toxic.

It leaves you questioning yourself and everything else. It also kills your confidence!

But there is another way! So, you don’t end up being stuck in the self-protection zone where you either withdraw or push good people away. Living a life that is full of anxiety and mistrust.

There is a way to feel good about yourself and get your confidence back.

Guess what it starts with you and the most important relationship you will EVER have

– the one you have with yourself!

Okay, it sounds good but what does that even mean in the real world?

Let’s look at how you can do that! You do that by startubg to feel better about yourself, by building your own confidence and by building a strong relationship with yourself.

7 Underrated Ways to Increase Your Confidence

1. Confidence Starts with You

The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. Let’s start by looking at how you treat yourself. What words do you say to yourself and what actions do you take for yourself? Are you your own best friend or your own worst enemy?

Take time to notice how you are talking to yourself. Are you kind and supportive or are you harsh, judgemental and critical? Maybe you haven’t even taken the time to notice. So, what I want you to do is to get a notebook and write down what you are saying to yourself for a couple of days. Notice what the theme is.

If you find you are being harsh on yourself make a conscious effort to change that and start to be kind and understanding.

When you stop accepting judgement and criticism from yourself is much easier to stop accepting it from other people in your life, including those you date or who you are in a relationship with.

2. Confidence Comes from Healthy Boundaries

Developing healthy boundaries is about being clear about how other people treat you. You stop putting up with bad/toxic behaviour in others. You become clear about what is and isn’t acceptable for you.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”– Brene Brown

I recommend you start small by speaking up for yourself about the little things and it will become easier with the bigger things.

How to Set Boundaries

 

Start by being clear about what is and isn’t okay for you. I want you to start by making a list! Start with five in each section but see if you can stretch to ten.

Here are some examples below:

 

People may not-

Take their anger out on me

Put me down

Call at any time of day/night

Take advantage of me

Expect me to call every day

 

I can ask for-

What I want and need

Help

Say how I want my hair

Privacy

Personal space

Say how hard I want a massage

 

To Value My Time-

Turn off my phone at times.

Cancel

Change my mind

Do what feels good for me

Say no

Then take simple steps to have firm boundaries about these things. I recommend you start by setting the boundary and letting people know in a neutral, firm tone of voice.

You don’t need to defend, overexplain or debate your new boundaries. Just be firm, polite, kind and direct. If the other person resists your boundary, just repeat your statement/request and then back your boundary with action!

It will feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you have been used to making people happy. If you are a ‘people pleaser’ you will feel guilty when you first start to set boundaries as you are so used to being accommodating.

You will also find the people around you won’t necessarily like the change as they are used to you doing what they want. Be firm, resist guilt and most important of all don’t take it personally as 99% of what the other person is doing is all about them and nothing to do with you.

3. Notice How you Feel

When you are looking for validation (for someone else to make you feel good) you end up focusing on them to get that attention. Rather than focusing on yourself and what you are feeling.

If you want to be able to trust yourself again it is important to notice how you feel rather than putting your focus and attention on everyone else.  Get in touch with your own intuition and gut feelings. Instead of focusing on your insecurities, your hurts or your triggers get in touch with YOU.

4. How you start each day

How do you start each day? Do you start the day feeling down, focusing on what has gone wrong in the past or do you start the day thinking of what is possible?

How you start the day sets the tone for that day. So, when you wake up in the morning start your day from a place of possibility. It makes such as difference. 

Each day ask yourself:

  • How would you act if you came from possibility?
  • What would you do?
  • What would you be doing differently?

When you start to think of what is possible it changes everything. You can start to think of the future you want and then take steps to make it happen.

Remember that instead of thinking about all the things that make you feel bad, think of the things that make you feel good. You can teach your brain to do this rather than being stuck in thoughts that cause a negative spiral.

5. The people you spend time with and groups you belong to

The people you spend your time with have a big impact on you. Research has found that we are the ‘sum’ of the five people we spend the most time with. What does that mean? It means becoming like the people we hang out with.

If you spend time with people who are:

  • Negative
  • Who believe dating is hard, that there are no good singles out there, etc
  • That relationships don’t work
  • Believe relationships should be ‘perfect’.

Then you will end up thinking like them. Talking to people who feel this way will simply kill the possibilities in your life, especially if you are always focussing on dating/relationship stories that have gone wrong.

Or maybe the people you spend time with put you down and don’t make you feel good about yourself? Maybe they are negative, sarcastic and judgemental? That will eventually rub off on you.

It is important to have supportive and encouraging people in your life.  It may even be time to find some new friends.

The reality is that your life should be better with the people you chose to spend time with rather than worse!

6. Challenge Yourself

Challenge yourself and it will increase your confidence! This could be by learning something new or being kind to a stranger!

Challenge yourself to go to a networking event where you don’t know someone. It allows you to talk to other people and even make new friends. Put your focus on making them feel good, rather than expecting anything!

Learn new skills and then practice them. Don’t get too hung up on what you want to do – learn, challenge yourself and have fun. When you learn new skills, it builds confidence that you can do something you haven’t been able to do before!

If it seems too much take bite-sized actions. Set small goals you would like to happen, write them down and take action.

Too often when you try to achieve big goals it came be overwhelming and you can give up or feel discouraged if you don’t achieve them. But, when you try something small and achieve it, it will instantly boost your confidence. You will feel good, have a sense of achievement and have the confidence to keep going.

Another thing you can do is do something that scares you and gets you out of your comfort zone. It will make those daily challenges pale in comparison and increase your confidence!

7. Focus on Your Wins and Celebrate!

It is all too easy to be your own worst critic and to focus on what you do wrong or don’t like about yourself.  All that does is kill your confidence. 

We live in such a way, that we achieve our goals and don’t even take the time to notice! It is time to celebrate your wins, successes and what you like about yourself. Focussing and celebrating your strengths increases your happiness and self-esteem. It is often easy to celebrate other people’s success and what we like about them yet struggle to do that for ourselves. Or you wait for someone else to celebrate and acknowledge your achievements and it never happens.

When you recognise and celebrate YOUR wins and successes it is a powerful motivator because it makes all the hard work worthwhile and it shows appreciation for your own achievements. This then boosts your confidence and motivates you to take the next step towards achieving the next goal.

Conclusion

If you are someone is proactive and wants to increase your confidence, why not book a call with a Relationship Coach now?

Alternatively, if you want to work on your self-esteem at your own pace you can purchase the Learn How to Love Yourself Course.

Debbie Rivers, Relationship Coach

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