Insecure texts! Have you ever been guilty of sending one and pushing someone you like away?
If you are looking for love and have been hurt in the past, you might have been guilty of self-sabotaging potential relationships.
Has this been you?
You are finally dating something you like, things are going well. Then something changes, maybe they say or do something and you start to feel insecure or needy. It’s a horrible feeling and you may start to go into a familiar pattern of behaviour that doesn’t work for you. That could be sending an insecure, needy or emotional text message or saying things that you wish you hadn’t.
Because you felt insecure you have self-sabotaged again!
You wish you hadn’t acted that way and find yourself in another cycle of beating yourself up about doing it. You feel like it is your fault that the person pulled away and you wish you could have a 2nd chance.
What is self-sabotage
The dictionary meaning of sabotage:
Deliberately destroy, damage or obstruct (something)
Self-sabotage is when you are doing that to yourself!
Why do you want to deliberately cause yourself pain or destroy what could have been a great relationship?
It is an unconscious safety mechanism especially if you have been hurt. Did you know that all behaviour, positive and negative has a positive reason? Even the ones that cause you frustration and hurt. It may not get you what you think you want but it is keeping you safe from experiencing something that you have experienced in the past. If you have had a traumatic relationship in the past you can see why your unconscious is protecting you from that happening again.
Self-sabotage usually comes from your unconscious fears and patterns coming up. It is an unconscious way of protecting yourself. It can happen because you subconsciously sense that the person is in some way dangerous or will hurt you. It could be that they are unavailable or even they are the same type of person you have dated before who wasn’t right for you.
Your patterns come from your beliefs and unresolved emotional problems. When you are self-sabotaging you are getting in the way of your own happiness. That could come from fear, from feeling like you aren’t good enough, feeling insecure or you are terrified of being vulnerable and opening yourself up to being hurt again.
When you self-sabotage you aren’t in control of your own actions and that will always make you feel worse. It makes you feel insecure and out of control.
It stops you from growing as a person as well as potentially wrecking relationships that could have been good in the long term. It leads to you repeating negative repetitive patterns.
Breaking the Pattern Of Self-Sabotage
To break the pattern of self-sabotage, you will need to look within yourself to find the underlying causes and work through those emotional blocks or fear-based beliefs.
You need to be able to come from a conscious awareness of what the situation really is. When you are able to do this you can set boundaries, see red flags and make healthy choices that put your own well-being/safety over the potential of others!
You can then keep yourself safe. Allowing you to grow and have healthy boundaries. So, you create more fulfilling and balanced relationships.
It gives you the self-awareness and desire to avoid situations that could potentially harm your emotional or mental well-being. Instead, of welcoming them in to wreak havoc! Like a fox in the hen house.
It gives you the ability to make choices that align with your values and needs.
7 Tips to Banish Insecure Texts for Good
Here are useful steps you can take to help you break that pattern and have a healthy way of communicating.
1. Examine What you are Feeling and Why You Feel Insecure
Take a moment to breathe deeply. Then I want you to examine what you are feeling and the reason that you have had the feelings. Think about what is happening to cause you to feel the way you do. Has something changed?
Has the other person started to act differently, contact you less, ignore your texts, flirt in your company, etc?
It may feel like the way you are feeling has come out of nowhere but that is never the case. Identify what is bringing up those feeling for you.
Are your feelings an overreaction or are they valid?
Are you making assumptions or catastrophising? When you catastrophise you have irrational thoughts where you believe something is much worse than it is.
Be honest with yourself.
It may bring up a belief that you have like, everyone leaves you, everyone cheats or you have to lose yourself to make someone else happy.
It may bring up a familiar pattern of self-sabotage or it could highlight that you actually need to protect yourself. Your feelings may just highlight that you are dating someone who is unavailable or not just ready for a real relationship.
Listen to those feelings instead of just blaming yourself for feeling needy or insecure.
You might want to send a text message to let them know exactly how you feel but don’t. Text messaging is the worst way to communicate your feelings as the other person doesn’t get to see your body language or tone of voice. It is even worse when you are emotional or feeling insecure. You also don’t get to see how the other person responds and if they ignore you then it can leave you feeling even more anxious and needy.
Text messaging is the easiest way to make misunderstandings bigger. It can leave you both feeling worse and can even wreck the potential of your relationship.
Wait until you can talk face-to-face. Or even a phone call. Consider the tone, timing, and content of your conversation. Aim for clarity, positivity, and authenticity.
I would also add: Don’t text when you are having a couple of drinks. When you drink alcohol, it shuts down the rational judgement side of your brain and allows you to take risks you wouldn’t otherwise take.
3. Manage Your Own Emotions
Take care of and manage your emotions. This may feel hard to do at the time but saves you so much drama in the long term. There are things that you can do to feel better. Like calling a friend, going for a walk or distracting yourself by doing something you enjoy.
Talk to friends you trust when you feel the urge to send needy or insecure messages They can give guidance, and encouragement, and help you gain perspective.
4. Be Patient Instead of Insecure
I know this is hard but take things slowly when you are building a relationship. It will let you see who someone really is, rather than who you think they are! It can be so easy to get caught up in someone’s potential rather than who they actually are.
You want to be in a relationship where the other person has emotional maturity. Where you can both talk about what you want and need. That creates a healthy relationship. Understand that building a connection takes time and that it’s important to allow things to unfold naturally. Trust the process and resist the urge to push for immediate validation.
In a healthy relationship, you will both show real interest in each other’s feelings – even the negative ones. Life isn’t always positive and your relationship should be a safe space where you are able to listen and support each other. You don’t want to be with someone who runs at the first sign of difficulty or challenge.
You also don’t want someone who shuts you down or shuts you out either, because they feel that you are too much drama or hard work. That is neither safe nor will it make you happy in the long term. It is important to really listen to each other so you can grow a deeper balanced relationship.
5. Set Boundaries
Establish clear boundaries for yourself around how you will communicate. Make it a rule to not overwhelm the other person with a stream of text messages. Especially if your reason is looking for continual reassurance. Allow space for them to start conversations as well.
6. About You
If you have been through difficult or traumatic relationships it can rock your confidence and how you feel about yourself. In fact, bad relationships can have a huge negative impact, even on someone who is confident.
It can make you start blaming yourself and that makes you feel like you aren’t good enough or that you are a failure when it comes to relationships.
Don’t beat yourself up for this. Be kind, and compassionate to yourself like you might be to a friend.
Take the time to work on your own self-esteem/worth. In a low moment remind yourself of your worth, strengths, and unique qualities. Celebrate your individuality and focus on personal growth.
Get clear about what is important to feel in a relationship. Things like being seen, being heard, being with someone who is emotionally intelligent and kind! Then when you see behaviours that don’t match what you are looking for it is easy to take action and now waste time on someone else who isn’t available/
Oh, and you may just be able to recognise the reason you are feeling the way you do. That it is not about you, but rather dating someone who isn’t ready, etc.
7. You Don’t Have to Do it Alone
If your neediness or insecurities continue despite your efforts, consider getting help to work through what is really happening from someone who is able to see the situation objectively. I regularly work with my clients to break patterns of self-sabotage so they can finally find and accept a healthy loving relationship.
Understanding and addressing your self-sabotage patterns allows you to grow as a person and have healthy relationships. It will allow you to trust your own instincts, so you can make choices that match your values.
Building a healthy and fulfilling relationship is a journey. It is important to be self-aware, to manage your emotions and communicate in a way that you can be heard. It will allow you to create more authentic connections with potential partners.
Finally, know and trust that the right person will appreciate and value you for exactly who you are.
You can read more about the reasons you self-sabotage in The Reasons Why You Self-sabotage When Dating and How to Stop.
If you are struggling to break a pattern of self-sabotage, book a free discovery call to find out how I can help you. You have nothing to lose.
Debbie, Relationship Coach