It’s normal to feel a range of contradictory emotions when you go through the separation process.

You will also have more time on your hands than you did when you were in a relationship! It can feel quite lonely being on your own for the first time. 

It’s normal to miss having someone in your life and it makes you feel like dating. The problem is that you’re not sure if this is a good idea especially as you are still going through the separation process.

Dating after divorce can be difficult but if you are still legally married and going through the separation process it can be even harder.

As a Dating & Relationship Coach, I regularly see what happens when people date before they are ready to.  They end up hurting themselves and the people who were ready for a committed relationship. 

8 Things to Consider  During Your Separation

1. Is Dating During Separation  Legal

If you live in Australia, adultery isn’t a crime. However, in some parts of the world, it still is.

2. Do You Need Time on Your Own?

This is a great question! I am sure you have seen plenty of people jump straight into the dating pool as soon as they start the separation process. Others go from one relationship to the next.  However, I wouldn’t recommend you rush into a new relationship even if you can.  It can solve your loneliness but can create more problems than it solves. 

I recommend you get used to being single again. Allow yourself time to process your feelings, help any children involved in the separation process their feelings and grieve the death of your relationship. Take the time to rediscover who you are and what you want.  You can do all those things you have always wanted to do without criticism. Learn how to be by yourself rather than fear it.

3. Be Clear

If you have decided you are separating make sure you are clear. Does your ex know that it is over? Or are you giving them mixed messages?

If you have told them you are taking a 6-month break to work out what you feel, they won’t expect you to date. If they found out through other people that you are dating, it will feel like a betrayal and make your separation process so much harder.

4. Make Sure it’s Over Before You Date!

If you are still emotionally invested in your previous relationship you are not ready to start dating someone else. Just because you have started the separation process does not mean that you have cut emotional ties with your ex. If you have ANY hope of getting back together, then you are not ready to start dating.

5. Don’t Date to Make Your Ex Jealous

If your ex has already moved on don’t use dating as a way to get back at them or make them feel jealous. You will only hurt yourself and the person you are dating.

6. Have the Talk with Your Ex First

If you want to keep the divorce friendly then it’s a good idea to talk to your ex about your plans to start dating. This shows respect for your partner. Be honest and transparent. This will help keep the discussions on practical matters like the finances and custody of children from being affected by an emotional backlash. Especially if they are holding out hope that you will get back together, only to find out from one of their friends you are already dating.

7. Don’t date to Fill In Your Blank Spaces

Separation can feel lonely. It can be tempting to date whoever is available. You might do this to make yourself feel better or to fill in the gaps or blank spaces left by your ex. Dating someone as a stopgap or as a replacement is unfair both to you and the person you date. Especially when you haven’t taken the time to heal. You are taking advantage of their emotions when you aren’t ready to give them what they need. It may feel good for now, but you are setting yourself up for more emotional pain in the long term.

8. Feel Your Feelings

When you separate you will feel ups and downs. Some days you will feel hopeful and you will see the possibilities. On other days you may feel like a failure and be full of guilt. Take the time to feel your emotions without beating yourself up. Don’t date too early or for the wrong reasons. Forgive yourself and give yourself time to heal; slowly, you will start feeling whole and ready for the future.

Separation – If You Are Ready Be Honest

If you do decide to date be honest with the person you are dating Don’t lie about your situation or mislead anyone. Don’t list your status on a dating app as divorced if you are only separated as there is a big difference between the two.

Let the people you date know what you are looking for. If you are want something serious or if you are wanting company but not ready for much more. You may find people don’t want to date someone who is going through the separation process as they have been burnt before. 

If you want some tips on dating, you can read How to Date When you are Newly Single.

Dating After Separation Conclusion

Going through a separation is a tough time, if you need support coaching can provide that. Why not book a free discovery call?

Debbie, Relationship Coach

The post Am I Ready to Date After my Separation – 8 Things to Consider first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

The post Am I Ready to Date After my Separation – 8 Things to Consider appeared first on Debbie Rivers.

My answer is that you can meet people anywhere and everywhere. If you are newly single you can meet someone in real life doing what you enjoy, at singles events or using dating apps!

Ok, you might hear the word dating apps and that makes you even more nervous because you have heard the horror stories!

If you are newly single you are also not alone!

• 39% of people on Bumble have ended a marriage or a serious relationship in the past two years.
• 36% of those people are using dating apps for the first time. This means that more people are learning to navigate what dating looks like now. 

The other common question I am asked is:

I’m newly single and am nervous about trying internet dating as I’ve never done it. What tips can you give me?

In this blog, I am going to answer this question for you! It’s normal to feel nervous!  But, if you are newly single all you need to do is follow my tips and dating can be fun!

The first step I recommend is to grieve the loss of your relationship and then take the time to heal.

Then when you are ready follow these simple tips. I have so many tips, it is hard to put them all in one blog. So, I have also provided links to other articles to give you more information. 

 15 Tips if you are Newly Single

1. Treat Each Date as a Learning Adventure!

If you have come out of a serious relationship or marriage it might be a long time since you have dated. Or maybe you never really did the whole dating thing! So, no wonder you feel nervous, right?

Dating has changed but so have you. It is important to discover what you like and who you like. As well as what feels good for you. It is common to feel like you don’t want to waste any more time. Yet thinking this way often makes you waste more time and miss out on great experiences and people.

I recommend that you treat each date as a learning adventure. Where you have fun experiences as well as learn what you like and what type of a person it feels good to be around. 

Even if you don’t want to go on a 2^nd or 3^rd date with the person, you can learn something you didn’t know before. Let go of controlling the outcome, treating a date like an interview for a new partner or judging the experience! Instead, go into each date with the idea that it will be a fun learning adventure!

For example:

• You discovered the most authentic Italian restaurant, that has become your new favourite place to eat!
• After a date with a surfer, you learnt how to see and appreciate the beach in a way you never had before.
• Found out all the coolest places to go in the city from the accountant! Finding this out from an accountant surprised you and showed you that stereotypes aren’t always true! 
• Discovered you could still laugh until it hurts with the English person you went on a date with. 
• Learnt whisky appreciation from the business person! You seriously didn’t realise there were so many different types of whisky!
• The person who told you the secret to cooking the perfect steak! Now everyone is impressed with your cooking abilities!

If the thought of going on a date makes you feel anxious or scares you, you can read, How to Deal with the Anxious Feeling When You Date Someone New. 

2. As a Newly Single Dating Can be Fun

Dating can be fun when you follow point one! Especially when you ditch the coffee date! it comes with the added benefit that when you are having fun you will get better results as you will create a totally different impression. Too often older singles treat dating like a job interview – making sure the other person meets all their criteria! No one enjoys a job interview where you know you are being judged and it doesn’t bring out the best in anyone.  Instead, be playful! 

3. Limit the Time on Apps

For the newly single person dating apps can be overwhelming and can even be a huge boost to your ego. I know one man in his mid 60’s had over 70 women contact him when he first went online! He told me he didn’t realise anyone would still want him after his wife passed away. He was pleasantly surprised, although he felt overwhelmed!

I recommend that you limit the time you spend on dating apps and amount of people you talk to at once! This limits the overwhelm! Give yourself a set amount of time on the apps and even turn off the notifications. I also recommend that you don’t expect to receive instant answers to the messages you sent because people have lives and may also be limiting the time they spend on an app. 

Tip: The most popular day on apps is Sunday. More matches happen and messages are sent than on any other day. Make sure you include Sunday in your time spent on the app. 

4. Your Profile Is the Key to Your Success

Your profile is your key to success and it needs to appeal to the other person, not what you want. It works like an ad where you are the product and this can feel uncomfortable. Use photographs that look like you NOW and write a written profile that is genuine. Imagine what the other person will feel when they read it! Men and women may be equal but do look for different things in profiles, so your profile needs to appeal to them not you! I recommend getting a friend of the opposite sex to read your profile and give you an honest review. For tips on how to write your profile read – #12 Hacks for a Winning Online Profile.

Tip: Change something in your profile once a month. It tricks the algorithm into thinking you are a new user. It can be changing a photo, changing the answer to a prompt or changing a sentence in the profile. 

5. Go Beyond the Superficial

If you are older remember that people won’t look how they did when you were last single. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t great people. Think of all the rock stars you liked when you are a teenager and think of them now. Just because they don’t look the same doesn’t mean that they won’t be interesting, good company, fun or even your person. Oh, and keep in mind that you have aged as well. At the end of the day kindness and emotional intelligence matter so much more than looks. 

6. Won’t Match With Everyone!

You won’t match with everyone you like – don’t take that personally. The reason could be that you just aren’t their type or they may already be chatting with someone they like. 

7. What Type of Relationship do YOU Want?

Dating and relationships have changed. People will date to have company, will only want to have a causal relationship or want a serious relationship.

Don’t just start seeing someone without asking them what type of relationship they want. You want to be on the same page as they are. Of course, by saying you want to be in a relationship, you are not saying you want to be in a relationship with them (that is too much pressure too soon).

Being on the same page saves wasted time and disappointment. Not everyone will want the same type of relationship you do – so make sure you ask first rather than go with the flow. Also. work out what you want. Are you dating to feel better, distract yourself, have an ego boost, have fun or get a serious relationship?

Tip: Beware of – the “I am open to any kind of relationship” response (as it can be secret code for I am looking for hookups only)

8. If You are Newly Single – Consider Others

If you are dating for an ego boost please consider the other person and their feelings. Because, if you are still hung up on someone else is it really fair to the other person?

9. Money Doesn’t Get Better Results

Paying more money on an app won’t get better results! In fact, the free apps have more singles to choose from and often will get you better results. Surprisingly, I would recommend Tinder over eHarmony! Tinder started out as more of a hook-up app but that has changed over time. Sure they will still be people who want hookups but there are also plenty of people who want a relationship. I find that people are more honest on Tinder and it has more users. eHarmony is sold as the site for relationships but it is not as popular nowadays. Same with RSVP, five years ago it was popular but now users have gone elsewhere. New apps are being created all the time and it depends on where you live in the world to which one will get the best results. I know that even within Australia, it varies from state to state.  

10. Common Sense Applies

Common sense applies – if something seems too good to be true it usually is. Meet in person in a public place, and let someone know where you are going. You can find more tips about staying safe online – 13 Simple Tips to Stay Safe Online. 

When I was single I used popular dating apps and didn’t have any safety issues or bad experiences. I had plenty of funny and memorable experiences that still make me smile today!

11. Be Yourself

Be yourself, be authentic and real! Being authentic means being your original self and not a copy. When you are yourself you are going to meet the person who likes you for who you are. If you are nerdy, show that side, if you are into saving the planet, show that side. There really is a pot for every lid but you won’t find it if you are twisted out of shape to be what you think someone wants you to be!

12. Actions Speak Louder than Words

 It can be all too easy to get caught up in the idea of someone rather than who they are. Remember that people can tell you anything, especially from the safety of their computer or phone. You get to know someone over time and you need to make sure that their actions match their words. Words are easy to say, but actions speak so much louder. Make sure you listen!

13. You will Find Bad Behaviour 

Technology has changed people’s behaviour everywhere (not just on dating apps). It is easy to say and act however they want to from the safety of their computer/phone. They can say sleazy comments, mean comments and even ghosting – which means disappearing without a trace. Dating apps are full of bad behaviour. However, don’t let that put you off there are still wonderful singles that you can meet online. 

14. Don’t Fall into the Scarcity Trap

Online dating is a numbers game. 9 out of 10 people are often wrong for you! Yet you only need one, right? The problem is that after meeting 9 people who you don’t like it can lead you to think there isn’t anyone out there. It can feel depressing! Then you come across one person you have chemistry with and you get excited. This is when you can fall into the scarcity trap. 

The Scarcity Trap is thinking that finding someone you want to date is rare, so when you do meet someone you like, you do anything to keep them.

For example, you might:

• Put up with bad behaviour. Including not being treated how you’d like. 
• Accepting crumbs of their time.
• Not getting what you want from the relationship. This could range from not spending enough time together to not having your emotional needs met.
• Not feeling good around the person all of the time. Maybe they make you feel good when they are with you but not when you don’t see them.
• Over giving.

It can be easy to feel you have great chemistry and that you haven’t felt anything like this before. Leading you to fall for the idea of them rather that the reality. Or believing they will change.  This rarely works!

15. Be Clear about What is Important to YOU

Be clear about what you want in the person you want to date. You might not really know and dating is how you will find out what you are looking for. Pay attention to. how you feel around people.

People often focus on common interests; however, it is much more important to focus on having the same values as each other. For example, you both want children, have similar ideas on how to raise children, same views on money, religion, etc

Newly Single Conclusion

If you are newly single and want help navigating the dating world and coming up with a plan, why not work with me? 

You can book a free discovery call here. 

Happy dating.

Debbie x

The post Help! I’m Newly Single How do I Meet Someone Nowadays? first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

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The last couple of years of COVID has been tough for single people. I am sure you have asked yourself if 2023 be any better.

I have good news for you with the top 8 dating trends for 2023. 

The top 8 dating trends for 2023 are based on an annual survey Bumble conducted of over 10,000 users around the world. The survey was conducted to find out what singles think, what they can expect in 2023 and how to get ready for the new year.  

Here are the Top 8 Dating Trends for 2023

I love that most of the top dating trends for 2022 are positive! Here’s what you can expect.

1. Dating Trends for 2023 – Looks aren’t so Important

The good news is looks aren’t as important as they have been in the past. What singles are looking for in a match will literally be different to what they were looking for in 2022.

• 38% are open to dating outside their usual physical type/look.
• 28% are less worried about dating the type of person other people expect them to date.
• 63% are looking for emotional maturity before looks!

This is one of my favourite dating trends for 2023!

2. Dating Trends for 2023 – Boundaries Setting

Single people are getting clear about what does and doesn’t work for them. There is even a new word for this trend – Guardrailing! Guardrailing is setting boundaries and protecting your energy.

• 52% of singles have set boundaries over the past year.
• For 63% those boundaries were related to their emotional needs.
• For 59% the boundaries allowed them to be more intentional about how they put themselves out there.
• For 53% the boundaries protected them from overcommitting socially.

3. Dating Trends for 2023 – Balance

Work life balance is one of the big dating trends for 2023. Balance will be much more important  Think about the balance between work, life and relationships. It’s dubbed ‘love-life balance’ and is that people want work-life balance for themselves and their partner too.

In 2023 people will care less about a career as a “status symbol” and prioritise rest and leisure time in their relationships.

• 49% are prioritizing their own work/life balance.
• 13% will no longer date someone who has a very demanding job. That might be because 52% are actively creating more space for breaks and rest in their lives.
• 54% care more about their partner’s work/life balance than they do their partner’s career status.

4. Long Distance is Back

Post-COVID lockdowns, people are prioritizing travelling and exploring the world again.  As a result, long-distance relationships are back and people will consider relationships that span countries. This has also become a lot easier as companies allow employees to work remotely. This freedom to work from anywhere has allowed single people to more seriously consider longer distance or international relationships.

• 14% have looked at the idea of becoming a digital nomad!
• 33% are now more open to relationships with people who are not in their city.

5.  Men Reject Stereotypes Too

Men are also examine their own gender roles in 2023.

• Almost 3 in 4 (74%) of men on Bumble say that they’ve examined their own behaviour more over the past year.
• 52% are actively challenging the stereotype that men should not show emotions
• 38% now speak more openly about how they’re feeling with their male friends.
• Men’s self-reflection is carrying over into their dating lives, with 49% of men agreeing that breaking gender roles in dating and relationships is beneficial for them too.

6.  More Recently Single People will be on the Market

This is the saddest of the dating trends for 2023. COVID was tough for many and caused a wave of marriage breakups.  Those people are now on the dating scene for the first time.

• 39%of people on Bumble have ended a marriage or a serious relationship in the past two years.
• 36% of those people are using dating apps for the first time. This means that more people are learning to navigate what dating looks like now. 

7. Dating Trends for 2023 – Daters Speak more Openly about Sex 

Another one of the dating trends for 2023 is that singles want to talk more openly about sex. They believe it is important o explore what they want sexually and to be able to freely talk about that. 

• 40% are approaching sex and intimacy in an open and exploratory way.
• 53% believe talking about sexual wants and needs early in a relationship is important.
• 20% say that they’ve explored their sexuality more in the past year.
• Knowing what you want from your sex life didn’t mean singles were having sex. As 34% of people weren’t having sex and were okay with that. 

8. Money will Become less of a Taboo Date Topic 

In 2023 there will be more honest conversations about money on dates.

• 28% are setting financial boundaries in their dating lives. As a result, they’re having conversations about what they are comfortable spending.
• Dates are also getting less elaborate: 32% of people are less impressed by over-the-top first dates.
• 57% of people are more interested in casual dates than something fancy. 

Conclusion – Dating Trends for 2023

There are many positive dating trends for 2023 that you can get excited about. The research was conducted by Bumble by using internal polling between 12th October and 1st November 2022 – the sample size was 14,300 worldwide users. If you would like to compare with 2022 results you can – Interesting Dating Predictions from Bumbles Worldwide Data.

If you are new to dating and want help navigating the dating work, why not book a free discovery call?

Debbie, Relationship Coach

The post Top 8 Dating Trends for 2023 According to Bumble first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

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Have you ever watched an episode of the Batchelor where approximately 25 hot singles compete for one person? The Bachelor is often seen telling his date to open up and be vulnerable because otherwise, he can’t connect with them. Easy for the Bachelor to say but so much harder to do. How do you expose yourself emotionally when the person is dating 24 other people at the same time! That is anything BUT safe!

Yet it is the ONLY way to form a real connection with someone else!

It isn’t just the contestants on a dating show who protect themselves. 

Singles often:

• Choose to say this is who I am take or leave it while showing their date things about themselves that EVEN they don’t like.
• Have their walls up to protect themselves.

In fact, they will do anything and everything to avoid being hurt. Yet the real honest truth is that neither of these approaches works!

Both are used for self-protection but they are the very things that prevent a genuine connection.

I see people who really want to find a loving relationship but their unconscious fears get in the way. This causes them to put their guard up when meeting new people and when dating.

All this does is stop you from having the loving relationship you are looking for.

The truth is that learning how to be vulnerable despite your insecurities and fears is the secret to being successful dating.

What Does it Mean to be Vulnerable?

It is about being open and being yourself without the mask you feel you have to wear to be accepted. Vulnerability is risking that someone won’t accept you after you have told them something.

It is consciously choosing NOT to hide your emotions or what you want. Vulnerability is about letting your walls down and being yourself. When you are vulnerable you are able to freely express your thoughts, feelings, desires and opinions regardless of what anyone else thinks of you.

The key to true vulnerability is that you are willing to accept the consequences of being vulnerable. Basically, it comes with uncertainty, risk and being exposed.

Because when you tell someone else something about yourself you have no control over how the other person responds.

It can be painful when the other person rejects you rather than responding with compassion, kindness and accepting you despite what you have told them.

However, taking that risk to let other people in is the only way you will get a loving relationship. In fact, breaking down your walls is essential.

You also learn a lot about other people when you are able vulnerable. This allows you to see if they are the type of person that you would like to be with. 

A Word of Warning

Vulnerability should never come from a victim’s point of view nor is it an excuse to share too much too soon.

Let’s look at what it means to be a victim –

    a person who has come to feel helpless and passive in the face of misfortune or ill-treatment.

A victim might go into dating thinking they are being vulnerable and saying no one wants me or likes me.  They may say they are the good guy or they are too ugly, etc. Thinking the other person will feel sorry for them. Getting someone to feel sorry for you is not vulnerability it is manipulation.

I love the definition in Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly –

Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. It’s not oversharing, it’s not purging, it’s not indiscriminate disclosure and it’s not celebrity-style social media information dumps. Vulnerability is about sharing our feelings and our experiences with people who have earnt the right to hear them. Being vulnerable and open is mutual and an integral part of the trust-building process. We can’t always have guarantees in place before we risk sharing, however, we don’t bare our souls the first time we meet someone. We don’t lead with, ‘Hi, my name is Brene, and here’s my darkest struggle. That’s not vulnerability. Why? Because sharing appropriately, with boundaries means sharing with people whom we’ve developed a relationship that can bear the weight of our story. The result of this mutually respectively vulnerability is increased connection, trust and engagement.

6 Tips to be Vulnerable When you Are Dating

1. Why Do You Need to be Vulnerable When Dating?

It is the only way you really get to know each other and be able to decide if you are compatible. If you keep your walls up they will keep EVERYONE out!

Walls and not sharing yourself may keep you safe from rejection but it will also keep you from love.  It is time to see vulnerability as a normal part of dating so you can push past your fear and be open.

2. Change Your idea of  What it Means to be Vulnerable

Vulnerability is often seen as weakness! Especially for men! The message men get from women is, ‘Please share yourself with me, but don’t share too much or in a way that makes me feel like you’re not a strong confident man.’ The key for men is to share but not in a victim or manipulative way.  You can be vulnerable and strong!

In fact, vulnerability = strength. When you are able to be vulnerable it signals to the other person that you are emotionally available and emotionally intelligent. What vulnerability really does is that it makes you relatable to others. It allows other people to see what they have in common with you. That, just like them, you aren’t perfect. When you are able to feel comfortable with who you are and be vulnerable without being a victim it is a real form of confidence and self-acceptance.

3. Vulnerability Has Different Stages

It is important to understand that vulnerability will look and feel quite different at different stages of dating and different stages of your relationship.

What you talk about on a first date will look totally different to what you talk about on your seventh date.

On that first date, you might talk about the things you love – your passions and your interests. But you wouldn’t talk about the ins and outs of your relationship history until further down the track.

Way too many singles fall into the trap of TMI – Too Much Information way TOO SOON. Your first date is not the time to show yourself, warts and all!

This is not vulnerability, it is often a shield that pushes people away.

Examples of TMI

Examples of too much information on a first date can be:

• Talking about what went wrong in past relationships.
• Saying you have trouble getting anyone to date you.
• Talking about health issues.
• Sharing the negative stuff about yourself.
• Talking about how unhappy you are in life or how you hate your job.
• Or telling them you don’t have a job and aren’t likely to work anytime soon.

Just because someone has asked you a question doesn’t mean you have to answer it! You can respond in a polite way that won’t offend the other person!

Examples of ways to respond:

• If someone asks you what went wrong in your last relationship. You can respond with, ‘It didn’t work out, if we get to know each other over time I will tell you more. If you have asked the question, accept the answer and don’t continue to dig deeper.
• Or, if you haven’t ever dated. You can respond with, ‘I have been focussing on my career and dating wasn’t a priority. I now feel I want to focus on that area of my life. 
• If someone asks you what you do for work and you don’t want to fall into a stereotype. You can respond with, Talking about work is boring, right! I have a stable job that allows me to do what I want in life. Again, if you have asked the question, accept the answer. 

Healthy sharing on the first date is vastly different to vulnerability on the seventh date because you have taken the time to build up trust between the two of you.

What you are able to share will build over time as you get to know each other. Having healthy boundaries in place lets you talk about what is and isn’t acceptable for you. You also need to remember to accept the other person’s boundaries as well! What you may feel comfortable sharing could be so much harder for the other person and they may need more time.

Vulnerability is a process that progresses over time as you continue to be more and more invested in your relationship.

4. One Step at a Time

 If you are used to dating with your walls up, it will feel uncomfortable letting them down. That’s normal! It will take practice. Start slowly and always make sure that your conversations aren’t one-sided. Take turns talking, sharing, listening and asking open-ended questions. Oh, and avoid assumptions because they shut down conversations.  People stop being open and receptive to you when you make assumptions because it makes them feel like you don’t know or understand them at all.

5. You are Enough

Dating can be brutal so I want you to remember that you are enough. I see way too many singles who feel a little insecure and worry too much about what other people think of them. This makes it really difficult to get out and date.

If you don’t feel like you are good enough you will:

• Avoid dating
• Put up a dirty great big wall to protect yourself
• Self-sabotage
• Basically, do anything to make sure no one rejects you or gets too close!

The reality is that rejection is just a natural part of dating.

 

You won’t like everyone, nor will everyone like you. It’s not personal and the sooner you are able to stop taking it personally the better your results will be.

Remember that you have a lot to offer others! Oh. and if you feel like you don’t have anything to offer, it might be time to do some work on your self-esteem.  I  also recommend going out and starting to live a life that you enjoy. Make new friends, find new hobbies, and learn so you do have something to say that is interesting.

6. Be Kind to Yourself

 When you share personal feelings and stories about yourself you may feel exposed so it is important to be kind to yourself.

Maybe, you just told someone you have children and you worry that they may not accept you because of that. Or you have told them your age and you feel like that may be a barrier. It feels vulnerable for you because they may reject you based on the information you have shared.

These are simple differences and you may have more challenging ones. When you are vulnerable it WILL feel uncomfortable, that’s normal.

Breathe and make sure you don’t beat yourself up in your own head! Sometimes the words we all say to ourselves are the worst and you can interrupt that negative self-talk and be supportive and accepting of yourself instead. 

It is NORMAL to feel uncomfortable and is all part of the process of dating and being vulnerable!

The key is to not take rejection personally if someone doesn’t want to continue to date you because of something you have told them.

I see way too many singles make up stories in their heads of not being good enough because someone didn’t want a 2^nd date or to continue to date them. Don’t!

In the example of telling the other person, you had children and they see it as a deal-breaker because they want to have their own children. It isn’t personal.

The reality is that you often won’t find out the reason why someone doesn’t want to date you and won’t know what THEIR deal breakers are. The dating process is all about working out if you are compatible and there really isn’t any point in continuing to date if you aren’t compatible.

Things like them wanting to have children and you not or already having some are deal-breakers that you have no power to change and, therefore, aren’t personal.

It is time to be you and own it!

Conclusion

If you are struggling with your dating life or being vulnerable a Relationship Coach can help! Just book a free discovery call to find out how. Or if you feel like you are unclear about what your deal breakers are, why not check out How to Choose the Best Match for You.

Debbie – Relationship Coach

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• You might feel the pressure from all your family and friends for being single at yet another Christmas!
• Maybe you thought 2020 was the year you would find love and COVID put a dirty big stop to that.
• Or maybe this is your first year being single after a breakup or a divorce.
• It could be the first year you don’t see your kids – may be due to divorce or they have grown up and have other priorities.

2020 hasn’t turned out how anyone expected!  Christmas may bring an extra financial strain you don’t need! Even if COVID didn’t affect you there is still the stress of buying presents, going to events alone, as well as having to deal with Christmas being different to what you are used to.

This can send even the happiest single into a funk!

I know the first couple of Christmases after my divorce was tough to deal with! We had to share the kids and come up with something that worked for both of us. I am happy to say that we came up with a plan that has worked well over the years. For me and my ex, that meant there were years when we had to spend Christmas without them. This meant dealing with Christmas being different and managing my expectations. 

So, I want to give you some real-life tips that will actually help you in the lead up to Christmas.

12 Practical Tips to Get Through the Christmas Season

1. Don’t Judge Yourself for Being Single

It’s ok to be single if you want to be. If you don’t, it can often just be a moment in time where you are. It is easy to be hard on yourself but stop it. You are not a failure or less than anyone else because you are single.

You could be single for a number of reasons yet it doesn’t mean you will be single forever and believe me when I say your situation can be temporary. Make the most of being single while you can, this may actually be the only time you are. The right person for you could literally turn up at any moment so enjoy yourself in the meantime. Believe that when you are in the right place someone wonderful will be on their way – so enjoy yourself in the meantime.

It may be easy to look at couples and envy their happiness, yet they may be looking at you with envy. Not everyone is as happy as they seem. Try to look at the upside and not what you don’t have.

2. Be Kind to YOU

Other people can unknowingly say things that make you feel bad. As a result, you might feel the pressure from your family and friends about why you are still single and take it to heart. Don’t allow others to judge you and more importantly stop judging yourself. It can often be how you are feeling about being single that you project onto other people. Be kind to yourself, it is ok to be single and like I said many people may secretly be envious of you and your freedom. 

3. Be Real

Christmas is a stressful time of year for everyone so acknowledge that rather than trying to ignore it. Be realistic about what you are feeling and take the time to feel your feelings – the grief, the sadness, the anger the regret, etc. When you stuff down your feelings and put on a brave face it is a little like trying to hold a beach ball underwater – you can only hold it down for so long before it comes flying violently out of the water. Take the time to feel your feelings yet don’t fall into the trap of getting stuck in them and going down the rabbit hole of guilt and regret. Instead of dwelling on all that is bad, look for what you can be grateful for instead. I know it may seem hard, but there will be something.

4. Think of the Hidden Benefits!

Ok, Christmas isn’t going to be how you want it to be. But think of the good points – like you don’t have to stress about finding that perfect gift for the person who has everything! You don’t have to rush around visiting relatives you didn’t even like and you can do exactly what you want when you want to do it.  Look for the positives that you can find and focus on them, not on what you have lost.

5. Christmas is Just One Day!

It is easy to attach a lot of meaning to Christmas Day, yet remember that Christmas Day is only one day out of 365 days. When you look at it from that perspective it somehow makes it so much easier to deal with.

6. Make a Plan

Don’t leave the Christmas period to chance, make sure that you plan ahead of time. You might not be spending Christmas with your children or a romantic partner so make sure you have something you can do. That way you make sure that you aren’t spending Christmas feeling sorry for yourself. Organise events and spend time with people in the same position, just because you are single doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. Chose to do something completely different, something that is fun, spend time with friends in the same position, maybe you could invite people around and put a smile on their faces. If you don’t have anyone, there are often meetup groups who host Christmas events so you could even make some new friends. Try singles events to meet new and interesting people in the lead up to Christmas and look at being single as having more varied options.

7. Change your Focus to Giving

Christmas is the season of giving and when you focus on making other people happy, it ends up making you happy. So, embrace the joy of giving to others. This could be giving to people who are worse off than you are or just to people who matter to you. It sounds cliché but it really will make you feel better. During the month of December do 3 random acts of kindness each day to make someone else’s day better – call it your Random Acts of Kindness Advent Calendar. There really is so much pleasure you can have in making other people happy and planning thoughtful gifts for them. It is much better than focussing on what you have lost or don’t have.

8. Surround Yourself with Positive People

Take a moment and think of the people who bring a smile to your face then arrange to catch up with them in the lead up to the big day. In fact, get your diary out and make actual plans. This will instantly make you feel better and give you the energy to deal with those people you have to spend time with.

9. Get a Support Person

Having someone you can talk to during the holiday period will help you get through it. Maybe that is a good friend or someone in exactly the same position you are. Agree to support each other through the holiday period. Again, this is about planning ahead.

10. Do Something New

Be creative and use this time to try something new, something you haven’t done before! When I divorced, my ex and I decided we would alternative Christmas and Boxing Day each year. When I found myself having a different Christmas it was tough to start with but I used the time to do exactly what I wanted to do and it ended up being fun when I changed my focus. You can spoil yourself – do what gives YOU pleasure for once. It could be as simple as a movie marathon in your pj’s watching what YOU want or you could plan a trip to somewhere fun. Or like I said try some of the different singles events to meet like-minded people.

11. Know that the First Year is the Worst

Your first year being single, especially if you are sharing custody of children will be the hardest to deal with. But trust me when I tell you it will get easier over time. I recommend that you create your own unique rituals and traditions with your children or friends to make Christmas new and special. That way you will guarantee a tradition that will bring a smile to your face and give you something to look forward to next year.

12. Get Excited

There is a new year coming, full of new possibilities get excited about those new experiences. I find having something to look forward to makes a big difference.

If You Want Help

If you are struggling to get over an ex, being single, finding the Christmas period tough or just want to know how to get back out there, I can help! All you need to do is to book in a free discovery call? Everything to gain and nothing to lose, right! Book your call here.

Debbie

The post How to Get Through Christmas Being Single first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

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Maybe you don’t look how you used to look and the thought of showing that to someone new is terrifying! 

You wonder how you can get naked with someone new! How do you deal with showing someone your body? How do you deal with the anxiety of dating someone new?

Dating, sex and body image after divorce can be tough at any age, let alone over 40!

Maybe you have had your confidence rocked as you felt like you were traded in for a younger model?

Or you are just dealing with the wonderful effects of aging in your 40’ and 50’s?

I know, as I have been there after I left a 21-year marriage! I met my ex-husband at 18 and was single at 42! Not a position I imagined being in, even though I chose it!

I can understand those terrifying thoughts and give you some practical tips on how to deal with them!

The sad truth is many men and women dislike what they see in the mirror and it affects their self-esteem.

So let’s look at how to get your self-confidence back and like what you see in the mirror.

What You Can do to Accept YOU

1. Your List

Write a list of what you love about your body and yourself. It might help to start off by writing a list of what you don’t like to get them out of your head! After you have finished the negative list – burn it and focus on what you like instead. Put the list on your mirror so you can see it often. It will allow you to focus on what you like rather than what you don’t like. Research proves that what we focus on we end up seeing more of. Add to your list as you start to see more things you like about yourself.

2. Look at Yourself as a Whole

When you see yourself in a mirror or in your mind, choose not to focus on specific body parts, see yourself as a whole person rather than body parts!

3. Stop

Stop comparing yourself to others, it will only make you feel bad! Love and appreciate your amazing body for what it is and what it does. Everyone is unique and that is exactly where your beauty lies.

4. Focus on Now

You may have photos of yourself from a few years ago that you love. Maybe you were thinner or younger, yet these photos allow you to feel bad about yourself now. Take a current photo and focus on what you like about yourself now.

5. Focus on Health

Don’t’ fall into the trap of beating yourself up for not fitting ideals, rather focus on being healthy, taking care of yourself and appreciating your body, as it is amazing! Set goals that help you feel great, like regular exercise and healthy eating. But don’t fall into the trap of being compulsive or obsessive, it’s all about balance. I recommend the focus should be on the internal benefits rather than the external benefits. Every day your body carries you closer to your dreams. Celebrate all of the amazing things your body does for you, running, dancing, breathing, laughing, dreaming, etc.

6. Accept Yourself 

Even if you want to, you cannot change certain things about yourself. My advice would be not to waste any more time or energy on things that you can’t change and make the most of what you have. This is how you look and believe me when I say there is a definite beauty in how you look. You are one of a kind.

7. Replace those Nasty Thoughts

Choose your thoughts about yourself carefully. It doesn’t help your self-esteem to continually say things that aren’t kind to yourself. Shut down your inner voice, the one that tells you your body is not ‘right’ or ‘doesn’t fit the mould’. When you think, ‘I hate my hips’ say STOP to interrupt your thought process and replace the negative thought with, ‘I love that I am strong and healthy’.

8. Beauty is More than Skin-deep

It sounds cliché yet it’s true. When you feel good about yourself and who you are, you carry yourself with a sense of confidence, self-acceptance, and openness that makes you beautiful. Beauty is a state of mind, not a state of your body.

9. Who You Spend Time With

If you spend time with people who continually criticise you and bring you down it is easy to feel bad about yourself. People who make fun of you and criticise you give off negative energy that will rub off on you and cause you to be critical of yourself and others. Instead surround yourself with positive, supportive people who like you for who you are, then it is much easier to feel good about yourself and your body

10. What you Wear

Clothes make a difference. Chose clothes that fit you well and that you feel comfortable in. It is time to get rid of old, baggy clothing that hides your whole body. Find clothing that accentuates your best parts and flatters your body type, work with your body, not against it.

11. Don’t Point out Your Perceived Flaws

It is too easy to focus on what is wrong with your body and to obsess over every real or perceived fault. My advice is simple – STOP IT. Men love women’s bodies and are happy when they have a naked woman in front of them, it’s that simple. Most men aren’t as harsh as you are with yourself! Oh, and if you do come across an overly critical man, just get rid of him. Life is too short to waste time on men who don’t value YOU. Whatever you do, do NOT point out your faults or your insecurities because when you do this it highlights them and shows you as insecure. Insecurity is never an attractive quality. Men particularly like women who are happy and comfortable in their own skin regardless of her size. In fact, Men LOVE this. Remember no-one wants to be to continually reminded of your flaws, it’s unattractive and most men don’t notice them until women point them out.

12. Only Have Sex When you are Ready

When you meet someone new it is important to take things at the pace you are comfortable with. I recommend you only get naked and have sex when you are ready to, not because you are pressured to. If you put yourself under too much pressure you won’t feel relaxed enough to enjoy the experience. Enjoy getting to know someone, have fun kissing them. Those early stages in a relationship only happen once and are delightful, so don’t rush to the end result. Take the time to make the most of each and every moment as they all build anticipation and help you feel comfortable with the new person.

If You Are Struggling

If you are struggling with your body image, why not book in a free discovery call? Everything to gain and nothing to lose, right! Book your call here.

Debbie xxx

The post 12 Tips to Deal with Dating & How You Feel about Your Body first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

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Maybe you have heard the cliché you have to get under someone to get over someone! But it is a recipe for disaster because you can end up bleeding all over someone who didn’t hurt you! It is like putting a band-aid over a gaping wound that you didn’t even bother to clean!  You can see why that wouldn’t work! It will just cause infection, make the wound take longer to heal and leave a huge scare!

The other thing that can happen is if you don’t take the time to heal you end up repeating the behaviours what you didn’t take the time to repair! For instance, you could be too needy, insecure or jealous and damage the next relationship.

The pain of a break-up can be crippling! The pain you experience does depend on the relationship you had and you can experience intense pain after only dating someone for a short amount of time because of the power of the connection.

What Does Research Say About When to Date Again After a Break-up

You might have heard that it takes a month for every year you have been with someone. Or followed popular culture and Charlotte’s advice from Sex in the City where it will take you half the time you have been together to get over them. Omg, that would be daunting and unrealistic if you have been married for 20 or so years.

So, what does real research/science say? Scientists carried out research to work out the best time and a 2007 study found 71% of people who’d experienced a breakup felt better after three months. Another survey in 2017 of approximately 2,000 found it was at the six months mark. For those who had divorced, a 2009 study found it took around 18 months to move on.

Even the research doesn’t give us a clear answer! Why? Because everyone is different and there is no magic formula or one size fits all for when it is the right time to start dating again. For some people, it can take weeks and other people it can take decades. It really does all depend on the person, the type of relationship/breakup you experienced and what you do to get over the break-up!

Why a Break-up  Takes Longer

1.You Didn’t Want the Breakup

If you didn’t want the break-up or were blindsided by the break-up then it stands to reason that it will take you longer to get over it. It is always harder for the person who has been broken up with as they don’t have any control over the situation. You had no choice in what happened to you and that is hard to deal with. When you both decide to break-up it is much easier than having something happen to you that you simply didn’t want.

2.Believed they Were Your One & Only

If you believed that this was the ‘one’ and only person for you and that you were meant to be together it makes sense that you will find it difficult to move on. You believed this relationship would last and stand the test of time, that it was your destiny. That it failed will be beyond your comprehension!

3. They Cheated

If the person you loved and trusted the most in the world betrayed you it makes moving on so much harder. Healing those deep wounds can feel impossible. It is a double whammy – you have to get over someone you loved and also deal with the fact that they consciously chose to hurt you.

4. You Don’t Want to Let Go

You have to choose to let someone go and many people just don’t want to. They feel like this person was the only one for them and they keep that alive in their heads! They believe that no-one will compare to their ex and they see their relationship as perfect even when it wasn’t. They keep the fantasy alive rather than dealing with the painful reality.

To Get Over Your Ex after a Break-up

It can be easy to want to distract yourself and get back out there and date because you feel lonely. However, if you don’t take the time to get over your ex you can end up hurting the next person you date and yourself.

Just like any bad experience in life you have to go through it! You can’t avoid it or the steps that you need to take. The pain is real and research backs this up and they have found that you can experience real physical pain and it will hurt your actual heart! It is actually heartbreaking!

Feel The Feelings To Get Over The Break-up

You may want to avoid the pain yet all that does it make it last longer. You need to take the time to feel your feelings about the breakup and grieve. Crying is one way you can process those feelings, so is getting angry and feeling sad. Listening to sad songs will actually help as research has found that doing this leads to more positive emotions for the person listening to them. So, play sad break-up songs and allow yourself to completely feel your emotions.

To ‘get over’ your breakup just like any other bad experience you need to go through it! Let yourself feel the pain, the emotions and grieve your loss. Take the time you need to be able to do this and take as much as YOU need. Whether that’s weeks or years. Time really is the best healer. In fact, ‘Time heals all wounds’ is a cliché for a reason. Know that this too shall pass.

So, How Do You Know That You’re Ready to Date Again?

You have come to a place where you are not hurt and emotional anymore about the break-up! You have gotten to the point where you are able to have a conversation without talking about your ex! Finally, you are able to let go of what could have been and leave the past in the past and only take the lessons you have learnt with you.

You will know if you are ready to date if you are excited about getting back out there again. 

If you’re looking forward to meeting someone new and feel that you are ready to move forward with your life then you are ready.  However, if you’re continually romanticising and thinking about your ex. If you just want to go on dates to make your ex jealous and want you back it really is a strong sign you aren’t ready yet!

Conclusion

Break-ups can be hard to get over and you may need some help to do that. If you are struggling, why not book in a free discovery call – you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. It’s simple, just book here. 

Debbie xx

The post When Should You Start Dating After a Break-up? first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

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You may say that you want a relationship, yet find yourself:

• Not dating at all.
• Choosing people who are aren’t ready for a relationship or don’t want the same things you do.
• Choose the wrong person.
• Try on the odd occasion, find it doesn’t work and feel like there isn’t any point.

If you have been hurt in the past you can find yourself wanting love yet being scared that you will get hurt again. When you feel like this, you can easily get caught up in behaviours that self-sabotage your own success!

Crazy, right! Yet it happens outside of your conscious awareness and is the way your mind keeps you safe.

Let me tell you two different people’s stories so you can see what self-sabotage looks like in action.

Emily’s Story of Self-Sabotage

*Emily was happily married, or so she thought until she found out that her husband had cheated on her. The pain was devastating, being hurt by the person she was closest to felt unbearable.  When she looked back on their relationship she could see the red flags and she regretted not paying attention to them. After all, if she had paid attention, she could have saved this devastating heartbreak.  

After that pain, Emily chose to stay single for a long time. Eventually, she decided she was sick of being alone and wanted a relationship. Emily went out with a group of friends and she met *Tom. It was fun to flirt and have a man interested in her again. They got on well and exchanged numbers. When they caught up Tom told Emily that he didn’t want anything serious, even though Emily did, she thought she would see how it went. Oh, and surely when he got to know her he would want more.  Tom sees Emily irregularly, they go out, have a laugh and it is always fun. Emily loves how it feels to be around a man again. Emily would like to see Tom more but goes with the flow!

She thinks that being the cool girl will eventually win him over. It gets more and more frustrating liking him without being able to see him when she wants.  It seems to be all about him! Finally, she gets tired of it and asks Tom if they can be more.  Tom tells her that he likes things just how they are and says he did say at the beginning that he didn’t want anything serious. Emily gives in because it’s fun and great when they do see each other and deep down she still believes he will change!  She overlooks that he isn’t really making her happy. Guess what, he doesn’t ever change his mind so after wasting a couple of years with him she has enough and ends the ‘relationship’!

After Tom

Five months after breaking up with Tom, Emily meets *Mike. Mike is actually ready for a relationship, is good looking and a nice guy.  Emily enjoys being with Mike yet after only 4 weeks starts to self-sabotage things. Every time Emily saw him talk to other women she would have that horrible feeling that he could be cheating on her. So, she would question him and also act insecure. Emily accused Mike of cheating when he hadn’t and wouldn’t let it go. Mike was a good man and not the type to cheat, he was nothing like her ex-husband, yet Emily couldn’t let go of her fear that she would be hurt again. Even though Mike really liked Emily, it became too much for him to deal with and he ended the relationship.

Solution

Let’s look at Emily’s situation. Emily says she wants a relationship, yet chooses a man who is unavailable! Tom told her at the very beginning he didn’t want a relationship and she didn’t listen. Emily is sabotaging her own happiness by the choice of men she dates and it has been a subconscious pattern for her. Her pattern allows her to have some of her needs met without losing her freedom.

After breaking up with Tom, Emily meets Mike who is available yet her insecurity sabotages the relationship. Because Emily has been cheated on by her ex-husband she is focussing on what could go wrong and looking for signs. She focuses on them so much that she sees things that aren’t there. By doing this she pushed away Mike, who was actually a good guy.

What is happening is Emily is actually the one creating her own circumstances by her choices.  Emily is scared of being hurt and her subconscious mind is keeping her safe, as she sees love as dangerous.  Emily needs to heal the hurt from her past so she can trust herself and allow love in again.

Linda’s Story of Self-Sabotage

*Linda believed in happy ever after and was disappointed when her relationship didn’t work out. Her break up was tough and for a long time, she made herself busy with her work and life. Being busy helped her not feel her pain and disappointment. After a few years, she started to feel that it would be nice to have a man in her life, yet the idea of dating and putting herself out there was scary as dating had changed so much.

Linda looked around at the men who were single and found herself thinking that all the good ones are taken. In fact, she found it hard to believe that there were any good men out there so what’s the point in even bothering! She tried internet dating for two weeks and went on a series of bad dates, which confirmed her belief that there weren’t any good singles out there.

She gave up for a while and tried again for a month only to get the same results. Again, proving her right. She even got out of her comfort zone and tried meetup groups and singles events but she just felt so uncomfortable that she gave up, thinking again that she was right there really weren’t any quality men around. Linda felt that she had tried and it didn’t work and gave up. She decided it was time to get cats!

Solution

Linda had a different type of pattern going on. She had a belief that all the good men were taken and when she tired dating she was proved right. The same thing happened when she tried meetups and singles events. The problem was that she didn’t give it enough time to get results. Linda expected instant results and gave up when she didn’t get them.

Can you imagine taking this approach in any other area of your life? It would be like going to the gym a couple of times and expecting to be fit! Or going for a serious of interviews, not being successful and deciding a job isn’t for you. Dating is a numbers game and you will often find that only 1 out of 10 people are the right fit for you. You may have to date the 9 bad ones before you find the 1 awesome person. Linda got to tell herself she had tried and it hadn’t worked for her.

Linda said that she wanted something, yet deep down she was still scared that she would be hurt and disappointed again. It was easier to say she tired and to give up because she got to be right, as it just hadn’t worked out for her.  Giving up was a different form of self-sabotage. f you want something you generally do what it takes to get it and Linda hadn’t.

How to Stop Self Sabotage

It is a natural impulse to run away from what scares you, it’s how you stay safe! But it is possible to change your pattern of self-sabotage and be in a happy relationship.

Here are 5 Steps to Stop Self-Sabotage

1. Awareness

You can’t change something that you don’t realise you are doing! Therefore, the first step is to recognise what you are doing and why. Take the time to examine how you act and the reasons why.

2. Heal

Take the time to heal the pain you have experienced in the past to stop the self-sabotage.  Too many times people stuff down their feelings and carry on, yet those feelings don’t go away. Healing can be a process and something that I often help my clients do, it can also. mean forgiving yourself and others. What you don’t repair you will repeat or avoid.

When you heal the past, it allows you to open your heart and let in a healthy relationship in.

3. Deal with your Fear

Even after taking the first two steps, you will still experience some level of fear. However, it is what you do with that fear that matters. Be rational and leave the past in the past. It is also important to focus on what you want, rather than what you don’t want. The only way you are going to make a change and get past your fear is to create a sense of urgency that’s so intense you are compelled to follow through with it. You need to associate massive pain to not changing and massive pleasure to the experience of getting past your fear. Can you imagine how good it feels to be with your person and to be truly loved. Having something that motivates you is the key.

4. Trust Yourself

Listen to yourself and how it feels for you. Usually, when you are in the wrong relationship you feel it and ignore it because of the chemistry. When you continually shut down your intuition, it becomes hard to trust yourself. Start listening to yourself and how something really feels, rather than the potential. Stop ignoring what you feel and your own intuition.

5. Interrupt Your Pattern

Around 90% of your actions and reactions are automatic. Remember how hard it was to learn something like driving or tying your shoelaces, Yet now you can do them without thinking about it. To change what you are doing automatically you need to interrupt the pattern with a circuit breaker. This could be as simple as doing something completely different or hiring a coach to ensure you break the patterns.

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 I specialise in enabling singles to break the cycle of self-sabotage and create the relationship they have only imagined. All you need to do is click here for a free discovery call.

Debbie x

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