People tell you that you should try dating apps but the thought terrifies you! You worry about safety and scammers. You can’t help asking the question, “How can you be safe using dating apps?”

It is a good question to ask yourself!  Because in 2022 there were 3352 reported dating scams, involving more than $38 million in Australia.  And that figure is just the people who reported the scam. That is a horrific number, especially in such a vulnerable area.  Worst of all, older singles are more likely to fall for scams. 

However, don’t let this put you off dating apps because, for every horror story, there are multiple success stories.

You just need to be aware of some of the common traps before you go online then you will be able to be safe using dating apps!

These are the simple steps I took when I used dating apps and I am happy to say that I didn’t have any issues other than the ones I shared in point 5. 

13 Tips to Stay Safe Using Dating Apps

1. Too Good to be True

First, I want to let you know that scammers use fake profiles to suck you in. They usually use a photograph of a good-looking person in a professional job. Male scammers will say they are financially secure.   A scammer then messages you and will go all out to win your trust. They will move things along quickly and often tell you that they love you without even meeting you. Once they have gained your confidence they will ask for money! Scammers often say they are in occupations that you would trust or that are professional. For example, they may tell you they are a doctor or in the military. They use the military as it provides an easy excuse to not be available to meet in real life.  

In a number of cases, singles who have been scammed were older. One example was a 60-year-old woman who was contacted by a good-looking, financially secure 40-year-old. He told he was in love with her without meeting her.

This is definitely too good to be true!

 It’s not just women who get scammed, it happens to men as well. There are plenty of examples of a very attractive younger woman contacting older men and scamming them. appealing to their ego.

Other types of scams are when they get you to send suggestive photos and then blackmail you. Or offer you a financial tip to invest in, only for it to turn out to be a false way to get money from you. Don’t take financial advice from someone you meet on an app!

Scammers will also use a sob story to get money from you. However, the reality is that a genuinely financially secure person would NOT ask for money from someone they wanted to have a relationship with. They would have other people in their life who could help them.

If you were in a bad situation, could you imagine asking someone you just met for money? You wouldn’t dream of it, nor would genuine people.

2. To Stay Safe Using Dating Apps – Reverse Google Search

Scammers steal identities by using someone else’s photographs!  Reverse Google search their photograph to make sure they are who they say they are.  What you do is go to Google images and click search by image, choose the photo you want to and search. You will be able to see if it comes up anywhere else on the internet. It could be a stolen photo or a stock image.

3. Fall in Love Before They Meet You

A scammer will tell you that they have fallen in love with you without meeting you.

#Truthbomb – men don’t do this! You may feel like you have this amazing connection with them, but nothing is real until you meet them in real life. It is that simple!

4. Easy to Say/Be Anything Online

People can say and pretend to be anything they want from the safety of a computer or phone. It can be surprisingly easy to be sucked in by the lovely words they say, especially if you are feeling lonely.

Another giveaway is their English may not be so great, and the messages could have bad spelling and grammar.

Also, look for any details that don’t match the photos of the person you are chatting to. Or details that don’t make sense.

The solution is to follow a simple process when using dating apps. Send a couple of messages to each other and then make time to have a phone conversation. If the phone conversation goes well, then arrange to meet in person. Scammers won’t meet you and generally won’t have a phone call.  You may think you are talking to a George Clooney lookalike but the phone call would reveal you are talking to someone in Africa!

When you follow this simple process you don’t fall into the trap of getting carried away by the false idea they are presenting.

5. Stay Safe Using Dating Apps -Photographs You Use

Don’t use your Social Media or LinkedIn photographs on an app – use different ones.  It is easy to search by your photograph if it is used elsewhere. Which gives them a lot more information about yourself than you might like.

This tip comes from my own personal experience when using dating apps. I used a photo that was on both SM and LinkedIn. On one occasion, I was talking to a guy on the phone and he told me he knew my surname and what I did for a living. Another time, I also had a real estate agent, tell me he knew where I lived. Both freaked me out and I changed the photographs I used.

Before you choose a picture to use on your profile make sure you check it for anything that can be seen in the background of the photo that may give away information you don’t want including your location..

6. Stay Safe Using Dating Apps -Links

Do not EVER click on links from people you don’t know. Scammers might say they want to send you more photographs via a link. However, links can contain all sorts of viruses including ones that allow the scammer to take control of your computer.  Just watch the Sci-fi show Black Mirror if you don’t believe me! All photos can be sent via the dating app or better still you can see what they look like when you meet in person

7. Beware of Going Offline

Scammers will often try to take you off the dating app to another platform. They will ask you if you can chat via WhatsApp or email. Why? Because they are harder to trace and they don’t come under the rules of the dating app.

Stay on the app until you meet! Many of the apps allow phone calls and even video chats within their platform. It’s safer.

Be aware that if you give someone your email address, most of the time it will show your surname. When a scammer has your surname, it gives them access to so much more information! Information you would prefer not to give them.

8. Don’t Share Unnecessary Information

To stay safe using dating apps don’t give unnecessary information to someone you haven’t met! Don’t tell them where you live, that you live alone or your financial position. This is common sense!  For example, you could tell the person you are talking to online that you are away on a holiday. It they were dodgy it would be information they could use to break into your house!  

9. Location

Some apps show your location! So, make sure you turn off your location sharing.

10. Meet in Public!

To stay safe using dating apps always make sure that you meet in a public place and tell someone where you are going. Don’t allow them to pick you up or even share an Uber home with them.  These are common sense tips when meeting someone who you don’t know. A large number of rapes that have occurred from apps happened with going to someone’s house, being picked up or sharing an Uber.

11. Save Your App conversation

Save the conversation you are having with someone before you meet them on a date. Apps have an unmatch or block feature that removes the evidence of your conversation. Taking a screenshot will help you if you need to report or identify the person after the date.

12. Catfishing, Cheaters & Psychopaths

As well as scammers you will find catfishers, cheaters and psychopaths on dating apps. A catfisher is someone who is pretending to be someone else – they may not want to scam you but they are pretending to be someone you might want to date. 

Unfortunately, cheaters find apps an easy way to meet people. One telltale sign is not having a clear first picture as they don’t want to be caught out by other people seeing them on the app. Another giveaway sign is they have limited availability to see you. They might be cagey about their personal details – like their surname or where they live.  You might also find that they also come to your place and you don’t get to see theirs.

Another telltale sign is they move quickly to talking about sex.

Then there are the psychopaths! Research has found that there are as many as 1 in 5 psychopaths on dating apps! A very high percentage, right?  The reason why there are so many psychopaths on apps is they enjoy the ego boost they get online, it’s easy to target vulnerable singles and dating apps are full of casual sex opportunities. You can find out how to spot the signs of a psychopath here.

All of these types of people are smooth and skilled at sending messages. For good reason – they have had a lot of practice! They know what to say and how to say it to suck you in. The truth is your average single person is NOT as smooth or skilled at sending messages, especially to people they haven’t met yet!

13. Trust your Gut Instinct

If something doesn’t feel right, trust the feeling. I am talking about that gut instinct that something feels off. Many people who had been a victim have said they felt something didn’t feel right and they ignored the feeling. Don’t ignore it, listen to it. I also recommend you listen to the people in your life as they will often see what you can’t. 

Conclusion -Staying Safe Using Dating Apps 

These tips will help you stay safe using dating apps. Although don’t feel like you need to be too paranoid and focused on what could go wrong. In my experience, there are so many wonderful single people out there. All you really need to do is use your common sense and follow these simple tips.

If it still feels too hard, why not Work With Me and I will safely guide YOU through the process?

Debbie.

The post 13 Simple Tips to be Safe Using Dating Apps first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

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Divorce is tough! How tough your divorce is will depend on who left who and whether divorce was something you wanted.

Depending on your own situation you may be feeling:

• Worthless, as you were rejected by someone you loved and it has affected you deeply.
• Guilt for leaving someone you once loved and seeing how that hurt them, your children, family and friends.
• If you both decided to end your relationship you can still end up with mixed feelings.

What happens after separation is that being on your own feels lonely as you can have too much time on your hands.

You might want company but the thought of getting back out there is scary

It’s normal to have mixed feelings about getting back out there to date after a divorce. You may find that you are excited but nervous at the same time. Excited about getting a 2^nd chance but nervous as you are scared of the unknown or failing again.

I have written 11 Tips to Get Over Your Divorce and Date that covers making sure you are ready to get back out there again and other tips.

However, today I am going to look at the practical side of how to date after a divorce because I know first-hand what you need to do as I divorced after a 21-year marriage.

It may feel scary but trust me when I say that dating can be fun.

10 Things You Need to Know to Date After a Divorce

1. Have Fun!

Time to have fun and realise that your divorce is not the end of the world, it is just the end of life as you knew it. My motto is that it’s never too late to have the life you have imagined!

Instead of being stuck in the pain of your divorce, go and live your life. Do the things you have always wanted to do and have fun rather than taking everything so seriously.

You can take baby steps getting out there to date after a divorce. Think of it like going to Kindy and learning the basics all over again! Kindy is about learning through having fun. Do that!

Take things slowly and get to know people. See if they are right for YOU! Take the time to discover what and who you like!  You are older and wiser so you may be attracted to a. completely different type of person.

Don’t go into each date thinking will this be my next partner. That puts way too much pressure on each date. Could you imagine meeting someone and asking if they will be your best friend for the rest of your life? You wouldn’t do that, so why do that when you are dating! It puts pressure on meeting someone and won’t bring out the best in either of you because there is way too much judgement during a first meeting.

2. Get a Makeover to Date After a Divorce

To feel confident getting back out there to date after a divorce, go and get a makeover! Update your hair and wardrobe and create a new you! When you feel good about how you look on the outside it instantly makes you feel more confident on the outside. I recommend trying a new hairdresser who will give you a new updated look. Then go shopping and get some clothes that make you look great.

3. Don’t Get Caught in the Superficial Trap

Dating has always been \ superficial, but dating apps have made it worse! When you look through profiles it is easy to choose the best-looking profiles. However, good character, emotional intelligence and kindness are so much more important than how someone looks. By only choosing the top 5% you miss out on wonderful single people. Look beyond the greying hair, the wrinkles and balding heads!

Keep in mind that a photograph is two dimensional and doesn’t really show what someone is like. I am sure you have shown someone a picture in the past and said they look better in real life. Photographs don’t capture charisma! If you are dating the 2^nd time around, especially older in life, no one looks how they used to, including you. So be open-minded as people can be surprising.

4. Beware of the Validation Trap

Divorce can rock your confidence to its core, especially if the person you loved has left you. It leaves you feeling like you aren’t good enough. To feel confident again, it is common to date to feel better about yourself, thinking that if someone else wants to be with you then you are worthwhile. You are dating to feel valid, wanted, and accepted for who you are. I call this the validation trap and it can often cause more harm to your self-esteem than good. Why? Because how you feel about yourself comes from within rather than someone else liking you. I work with plenty of women who have put themselves out there and it felt good that someone wanted them. Only to have sex with the new person only to be rejected after sex. This compounds the feeling of not being good enough.

5. Online Dating

If the last time you were single was 20 years ago things have changed! The reality is that technology has significantly changed dating and is continuing to change it. Even if you were last single five years ago – things have changed including the dating platforms that are now popular. Apps have taken over the online dating scene. You will also find that apps that were once only for hookups are now also popular with people looking for a relationship.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that the dating apps you pay for are better, the free ones after often better. Take the time to do a bit of research on dating apps before you get started. Knowing how dating apps work makes dating easier. So read about them and ask your single friends which ones they prefer.

Or if you want to save time, I have put together everything you need to succeed online in – How to Succeed At Internet Dating.

Technology gives you more ways to meet other single people than ever before. However, online dating can seem a little bit like shopping on Amazon – so many options! It can give you the illusion that you will be able to date anyone you can see online. However, online dating doesn’t come with the guarantee that you will get what you have ordered or that the other person will like you.

The other problem with online dating is that it lets people say and do things they wouldn’t do face to face. The behaviour online has resulted in a whole new language for the behaviour. Like ghosting, breadcrumbing, benching pocketing, etc. Generally, they are all terms for bad behaviour! For example, ghosting is when someone you are talking to disappears without a trace at any stage in the dating process.

Don’t let the horror stories put you off, online dating is a great tool to meet other single people. You just need to know how to use the tool because it is the one place you will find more singles than any other place. If you want to go fishing, you go fishing where the fish are! If you want tips for what to include in your dating profile read 12 Hacks for a Winning Online Dating Profile.

6. IRL (In Real Life)

You can still meet singles in real life! Technology and the post #metooera have not stopped people from meeting and talking to each other when they are out. You can meet other single people anywhere and everywhere. I recommend joining social groups when you first separate to meet new friends because this is often what you need the most to stop feeling alone. Especially if all your friends are married it is helpful to meet other people in the same situation. I recommend Meetup, which has groups all around the world. They have various social groups according to specific interests and they are a great start.

You can also try singles events where you know everyone else is in the same position as you are. Just use them as a way to get back out there without being focused on the outcome. Remember you are in Dating Kindy so it is about learning through having fun.

You can also meet people at the coffee shop, at the gym, at a bar or anywhere. Just remember to make eye contact, smile and say hello.

7. Everything has changed but nothing has changed!

Everything in the dating world has changed but the basics haven’t.  It may feel scary but put yourself out there but you’ll remember how to do it! Just like riding a bike you never really forget how! You may fall off the bike but you can get back on it– the same applies to dating. You may misunderstand what to do but that’s normal while you are getting used to it again! The basics of meeting other people are the same as it always has been.

8. Let’s Talk about Getting Naked

Sex after a divorce may feel exciting or nerve-wracking! Especially if you feel your body isn’t quite what it used to be. The thought of getting nakid in front of someone new can feel terrifying, especially for women.

Don’t fall into the trap of focussing on what is wrong with your body. If you do – STOP IT! Men love women’s bodies and don’t see what you do they are simply happy to have a naked woman in front of them! Men are nowhere near as judgemental as you are with yourself.

Oh, and if you do come across a man who is highly judgemental – get rid of him. Remember that life is simply too short to waste time on men who don’t see your value!

9. When do you Have Sex?

I get asked this question a lot, especially by women who are told by men that it is normal to have sex after three dates! So, when do you have sex? The answer is when it feels right for you and when you are comfortable having sex. Don’t let anyone pressure you or tell you that it is normal to have sex after three dates! If someone isn’t willing to wait for more than three dates, it’s a good sign that is all they are looking for! In the modern dating world, sex is easier to come by and the reality is having sex, even good sex is no guarantee that it will lead to a relationship. In fact, just like in the good old days, waiting and taking things slowly is more likely to lead to the relationship you want.

Make the decision based on what you want. Many people who have come out of a long-term relationship want to go through a stage of experimentation., others don’t.  Just do what is right for you.

10. Have the DTR Talk Early

Going through a divorce is tough. People feel lonely and miss all of the things they enjoyed in their marriage. Many people who have separated or who are in the process of divorcing date to fill that void. The problem is that they aren’t ready to be with someone else and have no space emotionally. The dating world is full of these people and it is important to recognise the signs or you may fall into the trap of falling for someone who isn’t available. The reality is that it won’t matter how wonderful you are, they just aren’t ready.

I recommend asking what someone is looking for at the beginning. This is DTR – defining the relationship. Make sure you take the time to listen to the answer. It will save you time and heartache.

Conclusion to Date After a Divorce

I hope you have found these tips for how to date after a divorce helpful. If you want more support from someone who has been there, why not book a free discovery call? Or you can find out more about my story here.

Debbie xx

The post 10 Practical Tips to Get Back Out there & Date after a Divorce first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

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Dear Debbie,

 I have a pretty good life,  a great job and think I am a good catch. But I have been struggling to meet someone. I have been using online dating and have gone out on 25 dates over the past 8 months. The problem is that all the dates end up the same way – I only ever get to the second and sometimes third date but never beyond that.

Either they don’t like me or I don’t like them. In fact, the ones I don’t like me back.  I am tired of the ones I like telling me that I’m a great person but that they don’t feel it, that there’s no spark. 

 I feel exhausted, over it and quite honestly hopeless! It hurts to have tried and put myself out there 25 times and still have it fail.  I don’t think I can do it anymore as it feels crap. I didn’t think it would be this hard!

 Should I give up on finding that special person and give up on love?

Do I need to change who I am to get results? I look up advice but there is so much contradictory advice out there and when I have tried some of it, it just doesn’t seem to work. All it does is get me stuck in overthinking and then I come across weird! I can’t be something or someone I’m not!

 I have put myself out there with 25 people and it hasn’t worked. To be honest it leaves me feeling there isn’t anyone out there for me or that there is something wrong with ME!

I am getting used to things not working out for me and I don’t look forward to my dates anymore. I want to find love; how do I get out of this vicious cycle?

The situation that Julie described is a pretty common reality for many singles. I am happy to say after working with me, Julie is now dating someone who she likes and who likes her back!

Let’s have look at Julie’s situation.

Julie’s perception of her situation was that she had failed as none of the dates ended up being a relationship.

Yet the reality of the situation is that Julie managed to get and go on 25 dates. That means she had 25 people like her profile and her conversation online enough to go to the next step and meet her in real life!

Julie hadn’t ‘failed’ as getting 25 dates isn’t the picture of ‘failed’. Her perceptions of what ‘failed’ was all or nothing thinking.

In fact, the reality is that this is simply the way online dating works. Maybe, you are reading this thinking I am being a little harsh, but let me explain what I mean!

The reality is that online dating is different to meeting people in real life and takes more effort.

There are so many steps that you need to take to get the results. You have to take the time to read the other person’s profile, they have to choose you and then there is all of that time consuming messaging back and forth before you even get to a date.

Then when someone has decided they want to meet you then you have to agree on the place,  get dressed up and drive to meet them.

When you think about it, that is a lot that has to happen to get you to the point of that first date.

So, it makes perfect sense that after going to all that effort that it feels like failed! It gives that yucky let down feeling you get when it didn’t go anywhere after making all that effort!

Let’s compare that to meeting someone when you are out. You would talk to the person and you would only ask them out or go out with them if you liked them. If you didn’t like them you won’t take things any further or even worry about it much.

In real life, you have the opportunity to know if you are interested in the other person quicker. The reality is instead of asking/or going out with 25 people, you may only ask 3 out. It takes much less effort and you have a better chance of it going beyond one or two dates! Oh, and you get so much less of the ‘failed’ feelings!

The reality is online dating is a great tool but it does take extra work and effort compared with meeting people in person. It does lead to more of the perception of ‘failed”. But remember that is only a perception!

The other thing about online dating profiles is that people often create profiles that don’t match reality. They either use pictures or words that don’t match who they are. You will come across plenty of singles who sound good when you chat to them but who just won’t do it for you when you meet in person. You don’t have that problem when you meet people first!

This is just the reality of online dating!

However, don’t use this as a reason to avoid online dating because it is a useful tool where you will find the most singles in one place. Especially when you don’t take it personally or see it as failed!

It may feel exhausting but don’t give up, try to be someone you are not or think you need to hack the algorithms to be successful.

Julie had 25 dates, which is a good result and she needed to see online dating for what it is.

When we took a closer look at what Julie was doing there were a few common traps she was falling into to. The great thing about Julie is she was willing to learn how to change what she was doing so that she could get the results she wanted instead of the continual disappointment of failed. The best thing was it worked!

1. Choosing the wrong people 

It was clear that Julie often went on dates with the wrong types of people. It was either they weren’t a good fit or they just didn’t want the same type of relationship that she did. Dating may be a numbers game, but there is absolutely no point wasting time on people who simply will never want what you do. Julie could have saved herself the disappointment of dates that would never go anywhere. 

2. Profile

Julie’s profile needed to change to reflect who she was. By doing this, her profile would appeal to the type of person that she wanted to meet. Julie was guilty of seeing herself as the ‘buyer’ and her profile was about what she did and didn’t want. The reality is a dating profile is actually a sales page that promotes you as the product! This means you have to appeal to the person you want to meet.

Julie fell into the trap of describing what she didn’t want and coming across as negative. A dating profile should be real, personal and always positive. I have given you an example to show you how simple it can be.

‘I am a big movie buff. When I’m not catching a new release at the movies, I’m going on some sort of adventure or chilling with my dog, Tiger! Since covid-19 hit the adventures are local and I’ve had fun exploring and finding some unexpected treasures! I also enjoy being active and cooking (cliché, I know). I’m at the point in life where I am looking for a long-term relationship and someone to share those adventures with.’

3. Photos

Julie’s photos needed to change. In Julie’s first photo she was wearing black, hiding behind her sunglasses and the photo looked like a mugshot. It was too close and no one looks their best like that. In all her photos Julie looked different and it was hard to work out how she looked. To be honest, Julie didn’t exactly look like her photos and that was part of the problem she had getting second dates with many of the men she really liked. This is too much to get past, you know feeling like you have been misled and even lied to via a photo.

I recommended that she wore colour in her first photograph to stand out as the majority of people wear neutral colours in their profile pictures. She needed to take off the sunglasses so people could see what she looked like. Her first picture should be a smiling headshot that isn’t super close or too far away, a photo that reflects what she enjoyed doing and a full-length photograph.  I told Julie that the photos need to look like she does now, so people know what to expect when they met her. 

4. The date

When Julie came to coaching she realised that she was getting in the way of her own happiness. How? By some of her mannerisms, what she talked about on her dates and the business-like way, she was approaching dating.  Julie wasn’t able to see this on her own and it was amazing how simple changes make all the difference. The reality was that in a matter of months Julie was finally enjoying a wonderful relationship.

5. Anywhere 

Online dating is only one way that you can meet single people. After working with me Julie took full advantage of the joy of meeting people in the real world. Julie changed how she approached dating and had more fun in life in general. Which of course changed the way she came across to the men she met. Instead of coming across business-like, she came across as a warm and friendly person who enjoyed their life!

6. Perception

Julie felt like a failure when it came to dating even though she had 25 dates. Changing her perception made a big difference to how she felt and how she acted.  Julie realised that there were plenty of great singles out there looking for a partner and best of all she found the one she wanted. 

Conclusion

Just like Julie, you may not realise what is getting in the way of your success. If you are wondering what that is, simply book in a free discovery call here, you have everything to gain and absolutely nothing to lose. Julie tells me that working with me was the best decision she made.

Debbie

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You thought that dating would be fun, yet you are simply dealing with frustration. Finally, you decided you were ready to get back out there and date. and you were excited about the possibilities and meeting someone you like.

When you put your profile up on several online sites and waited expectantly for results, you found that. you got responses but not from the people that you found attractive.

It’s disappointing but then tell yourself, that it is okay it may take a little bit longer than you thought.

After weeks and weeks and weeks of bad conversations and dates, you feel so much frustration! You feel so disheartened and wonder if it will ever happen. Nothing prepared you for the frustration you would feel.

Why, why, why does it have to be this hard for you, everyone else seems to be meeting people even your dodgy ex!  

You tell yourself it will be ok and say affirmations. Yet no matter how hard you try to stay positive but you just can’t! It’s hard not to question if it will ever happen or to feel like there is something wrong with you.

Does this sound familiar? How do you cope with the frustration you feel?

First let’s make sure you have taken the action that you need to.

Part 1 – Have You Taken These Steps?

1. It can take time

It may have taken weeks and weeks yet dating needs to be looked at as a long-term and numbers game! You have to keep at it as 90% of the singles online will be wrong for you and you may have to meet the 90 wrong ones before you meet Mr/Mrs Right! Oh and remember you only need one. You also may need to widen your net and not just go on narrow criteria.

If you wanted to get the job you have always wanted or to get fit and healthy you would set a goal and then look at the action you need to take to get there. You would realise that it takes time to get results and you would keep going no matter what. For example, you might need to study for 3 years and then do work experience to get the job you want.

You need to take the same approach when it comes to love and relationships instead of expecting it to happen instantly.  Meeting the right person can happen quickly, yet at other times it might take longer. Know that it will take however long it needs to take.

2. Have an Action Plan to get Rid of the Frustration

Be clear about what you want and set your intention/goals to make it happen just like you would if you were doing anything else.  

Set a clear plan of what you are going to do and how you are going to do it. Set aside time to go online, to have dates, and to go to new places and events. Be honest, objective and have a good look at what YOU are doing that is and isn’t working for you. Don’t continually put the problem of meeting someone out there! Look at your dating, flirting, communication skills, how you present yourself and how you feel about yourself. If you don’t like yourself, how can you expect someone else to? In fact, like attracts like but often in the opposite way. So, if you don’t like yourself, you are more likely to attract someone who doesn’t value you!

Be honest with yourself and make adjustments where necessary!

Don’t be so focused on the outcome that you don’t take the time to enjoy the journey. Have milestones of the achievements you have made towards your goal and make sure you celebrate them. It could be as simple as celebrating that you have gone on 2 dates that week, tried something different or learnt how to be curious and flirt.

Break down what you need to do into daily actions as well as in 30, 60 and 90-day chunks. Be accountable to someone else. If you are anything like me you will leave things to the last minute but get it done because you have a deadline! This will keep you motivated and make sure that you keep taking action. Keep in mind the cliché – ‘if you fail to plan you plan to fail!’  This plan can be flexible rather than rigid and set in stone as dating should be fun after all.  Remember that your action plan has to include dating, as you won’t meet anyone sitting on your coach.

Part 2 – Practical Ways to Deal with the Frustration!

1. Allow Yourself 5 Minutes of Negativity a Day

it simply isn’t normal to be positive 24/7!  You are not going to be or feel positive all the time. Getting caught up in negative thoughts isn’t helpful, nor is trying to suppress them. The more you resist something the more it persists. So, it’s important to allow yourself a time to vent your feelings and frustrations. I recommend you allow yourself five minutes a day and during those five minutes, you can say anything and everything about how you are feeling. Put the timer on and let rip! It allows you to get the feelings and frustrations out rather than going down the never-ending rabbit hole of frustration. You may even run out of things to vent about in your five minutes!

2. Watch Your Thoughts it Manages the Frustration

If you find yourself thinking a negative thought outside of your five-minute vent time then you need to do something to interrupt the thought pattern. Try replacing the thought with ‘it will happen’ or ‘my person is looking for me’ or whatever positive statement works for you. You can even use these at the end of a bad date to feel better!

It is important to remember that those negative and fearful thoughts will only increase your anxiety! When you focus so much on what you don’t want, you tend to see more of it and create more of that in your life. Our mind doesn’t work in negatives. If I told you not to think about a red rose, your brain would have to think about a red rose not to think about it! Therefore, you have to think about what you want rather than what you don’t want as your thoughts really do create your reality.

Approximately 90% of your thoughts are automatic and are what you thought yesterday and the day before. Be aware of your thoughts because you can actually train yourself to think, that love and a relationship will happen for you and about what you want rather than what you don’t want, it just takes practice.

3. Reframing What You Are Thinking

If you can work out what you are telling yourself about your situation you can then have the power to change the way you think about it. This is called reframing or changing the story you are telling yourself.

Did you know that it can be your perception of the situation that causes you pain and you have the power over what you are telling yourself? It also helps not to be focussed on the end game of meeting your person as that makes every date extra loaded with expectations. If you continually think that you won’t find someone when you want to, of course, it will make you feel bad. When you choose to see this situation another way it helps you feel better about it. You can start to believe that it will happen when it is meant to happen.  Instead of being a victim of your circumstance, you can create a new perspective. You’ve got this! Tell yourself that you’re a strong, powerful person and it’s possible for you. Remember your feelings aren’t facts.

4. Get into Nature to Kill the Frustration

When you get into nature you can instantly feel like things don’t matter nearly as much and dissolve your frustration! It brings you back into the moment rather than obsessing about what will happen in the future.

You can get moving and use all of your senses to be in the now! If you get caught up in anxious thoughts bring yourself back to this moment.

Try this: breathe, feel, hear, touch and see what is going on in nature as you walk. Breathe in the scent of the flowers, feel the cold air on your face, hear the sounds of the birds, touch the grass and see the beauty of the trees. As you breathe in say a simple positive affirmation, if could be “I am safe” on an in-breath and “I am calm” on an out-breath. You can repeat and create a positive loop to move from your anxiety to peace. Take an extra moment to be grateful for the moment so you can remember it in the future. It is simple but works to get you out of your head. You also get the added bonus of the feel-good endorphins that moving will give you.

5. Breathe

Breathing is a simple yet powerful way to calm yourself down. Your body’s response to stress is automatic and comes from your nervous system. When you are stressed about not finding someone it can literally put you in a state of ‘fight and flight’ and alter your breathing, heart rate and blood pressure. It causes the feelings of anxiety and fear. There is one easy way to change that and it is your breathing.

Just like your nervous system can change your breathing, your breathing can change your nervous system. You can do this through balanced breathing, you can turn your fear into courage and anxiety into calm.

All you need to do is to sit in a comfortable relaxed sitting position, with a straight spine and relaxed shoulders. Begin to breathe in and out deeply/gently through your nose from your diaphragm. Do this easily, naturally and in a relaxed way. Count in for six breaths and out for six breaths keeping your breath slow and even.  Continue this balanced breathing for several minutes, the longer you do this the better you will feel.  You can also put your hand on your heart and think of love and compassion as you are breathing in and out. This will release oxytocin, the love hormone into your system. Instead of having the stress response you will have the love response.

When you finish this exercise notice how much calmer you feel.  Do this a few times a day for a couple of weeks, you could choose the same time of day. What you will find is at those set times your body will automatically go into a calm state.  The mental, emotional and health benefits you’ll get from practising balanced breathing have been scientifically proven to be long-lasting.

6. How you Start Your Day Limits Frustration

Try starting your day singing, dancing and humming as they are a good way to put you in a good mood at the beginning of the day. Use an upbeat, positive song to ward off worry, frustration and seriousness! It is hard to feel frustrated when you are having fun!

7. Yawn!

Did you know that a simple yawn is one of the fastest ways to lower stress? Anxiety comes from spending too much time in your head overthinking everything. But yawning is a simple technique that can change that. Here’s why: 1. Yawning shifts your brain to its creative side to deal with problems and release powerful neurochemicals. 2. Makes you alert and able to concentrate. 3. Allows you to be creative. 4. Improves metabolism. 5. Improves thinking. 6. Increases memory function. 7. Lowers stress. 8. Increases empathy. 9. Enhances pleasure and sensuality. So, yawn as many times a day as possible – when you wake up, when you’re confronting a difficult problem and whenever you feel anxious or stressed.

Try the Mindful Yawning Exercise developed by Mark Waldman-NeuroWisdom

It only takes two minutes and works better standing up. Take a slow deep breath, then yawn. It’s ok to fake it to start with If you make an “ahh” sound when you exhale you should be able to trigger a series of real yawns by your fourth or fifth try.

As you continue to yawn, pay close attention to the sensations in your mouth, your throat, your chest and belly, and don’t be surprised if your eyes start watering. If you feel dizzy, lightheaded, or disoriented, stop, sit down, and rest. Continue to yawn another ten or twelve times, and then pause, noticing the different body sensations you are having. Do you feel more relaxed and alert? If you feel tired, it probably means that you are exhausted from overwork If you’ve been particularly stressed or anxious, you might find yourself yawning a great deal over the next half hour, or even throughout the day after you’ve tried this yawning experiment. It means that your brain needs more blood circulation to improve neural performance.

8. Trust and Faith

When you have taken the actions in Part 1 it is then time to let go of frustration and trust that it will happen when it is meant to happen.  Maybe your guy isn’t quite ready, or you need to learn something to be ready for the person who is the right fit for you.

I want you to know that you won’t miss out on your person! What is meant for you will NOT pass you by.  It sounds weird but you need the faith to believe it will happen and then because you are taking action the ability to let it go and get on with life. Embrace that wonderful mix of anticipation/excitement without getting caught up in impatient and negative thoughts about why love isn’t here yet! I know it may sound like a contradiction but it isn’t.

It is all about letting it happen rather than tightly controlling EVERYTHING!  

The pot doesn’t boil any faster when you anxiously check it! It will take the exact amount of time it needs to boil no matter what YOU do.

If you have the quiet confidence that it will happen you don’t come across as desperate. Whereas, that anxious feeling of wanting it and doing ANYTHING to get it does come across as desperate. This leads to you getting caught in the scarcity trap and often accepting less than you should.

When you have that wonderful mix of knowing what you want and knowing it will happen, you come across are secure and magnetic to the opposite sex. When you grasp or try to control everything it doesn’t help, it just takes the joy and fun out of life and this will come across to the singles you meet. Coming from a relaxed happy place makes you attractive. Have the ability to be focused on what you want, taking action while allowing it to happen! Trust me it will.

Finally, faith is the ability to move past your fears/doubts to know it will happen. There will be bumps on the road to love and they are normal, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or that you won’t find love.

Conclusion

I hope these tips help you deal with your dating frustration and anxiety. They are also useful to use in any other situation you might feel frustrated or anxious.

Remember you don’t have to do it alone, I am here to support you as a Relationship Coach and enable you to move from frustration to results. All you need to do is click here to book a call.

Debbie xxoxx

The post 8 Ways to Deal with Dating Frustration first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

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Success online starts with your profile! People fall into the trap of putting something together that doesn’t attract the person they want to date, or they leave it blank.  Don’t underestimate the value of a well-written profile! A Match.com study found that 57% of men and 61% of women carefully read the profile rather than just looking at the pictures.

Leaving it blank reduces the matches you get as it comes across to singles as lazy.

In this blog I am going to cover what you need to create that winning online dating profile!

Most online profiles are bland and boring! They don’t manage to show who you are and stand out from the thousands of other profiles.

These simple hacks will l help you write a winning dating profile that captures someone’s attention with the details that make you unique. 

#12 Hacks to Create an Online Profile that Captures Attention

Hack #1: Simple Facts and Details make all the Difference

Your online profile paints a picture of who you are and gives the person reading it a sense of you. It’s the simple details that will make you stand out. Instead of saying that you love cooking, you can share your signature dish or the go-to recipe that you use when you are in a hurry. It makes you real, relatable and captures attention.

Hack #2: Be Different, be Unique, be YOU

Most profiles are the same, many are vanilla. You want to capture what is unique about you. Maybe you are a Marvel comic buff, have seen every episode of Grey’s Anatomy, you love Brussel sprouts, you can’t do scary movies as they freak you out for days, but still enjoy splashing in puddles or singing in the rain. You could be a direct person, a foodie, hate smashed avo or you are always smiling. Be unique, be you!

Hack #3: It needs to be true

Don’t write what you think someone wants to hear. If it isn’t true don’t say it. Whatever you write in your profile has to real. Endless profiles say that people like to go to the beach, yet they rarely or never go. Maybe you do like the beach, but there would be other activities that better reflect who you are than something you rarely do.

Hack #4 Be Positive

Your profile is an advertisement to the person you want to date. It is about appealing to the person reading it, not a list of what you don’t want. Maybe you know that you don’t want to be with someone who is a couch potato, so you make that clear in your profile. However, it is better to paint yourself as an active person and the right person will see that and select you and the couch potato won’t. If you are contacted by a couch potato you simply have to say they don’t match your lifestyle. A list of what you don’t want paints you in a negative, cynical light and doesn’t give a positive impression. You may believe you are keeping the wrong people away, yet all it does it keep the right people away as well.

Hack # 5: Why is Powerful

Instead of saying what you love, say why you love it! It will make all the difference. It is easy to say you love cooking, long walks or Pilates but telling people why you love them makes you stand out. Why do you love cooking, Pilates or being outside so much? Tell them how outside makes you feel. For example, Long walks are my thing, there is something about being outside that instantly makes my day better and brings a smile to my face. Paint that picture, it is much more interesting and engaging.

Hack #6: Less is More

You may want to include every single detail about you, yet less is more. Mystery and leaving the person reading your profile wanting to know more is powerful. Your profile is like a movie trailer – it should give a glimpse of what the movie is like so people have to see it! It should make the person reading it want to find out more about you.

Hack #7: Say What you Want

You don’t need to appeal to everyone. If you want a serious relationship say so. If you are looking for casual or a hook-up say so. Don’t feel like you are ruling people out by saying you want a serious relationship because it will attract people who want the same thing. It will save you wasted time from those who don’t.

Hack #8: Show more than one side

Don’t fall into the trap of a one-dimensional profile. You might love your job or children yet you are more than that one thing. All sides of your life make up who you are and it is important to show them. Make sure your profile reflects you – it could be your job, passions/hobbies/family and friends. Be diverse!

Hacks #9: Quotes Work

A simple quote or the words from a song can show your personality. If you have a favourite and it reflects you, use it!

Hack #10: Lists Work

You don’t have to be a great writer to have a good profile. You can use lists of your favourite things, facts and passions. It is a cool way to get your personality to shine. Use those unique details about yourself.

Hack #11: Cheesy can Work

You can use romance and charm in your profile, although make sure it isn’t too cliched. You could paint the picture that you are the guy who still enjoys opening doors and buying flowers and proud of it.  Or you could say you enjoy the sound of the rain on the roof while snuggling on the couch. Maybe its corny but can show that you are secure in who you are.

Hack #12: Real about what you love

Be real and put yourself out there in your profile. It’s cool when someone is open about themselves and tells you what they really are passionate about in life. It could be anything from something serious to that they can’t live without their Golden Retriever or they are a die-hard Dockers supporter Show who you are in a positive way.

Here are some simple examples of profiles for Bumble and Tinder.

Different sites have different restrictions on the length of your profile. Tinder allows 500 characters including spaces, Bumble allows 300. On Bumble I remember you take advantage of the questions they ask. If you like to travel I would use the prompt for the best trip ever. Clever use of the questions allows you to paint a better picture.

Profile 1

I’m full of contradictions – driven but lazy sometimes, a bookworm who loves dancing.  My fav things are learning, travelling and meeting new people. Life is short and I want to make the most of it. Looking for someone who always looks for the silver lining in life!

Erin, 27
“Friendly, fun and will go out of her way to may you smile.” – Best friend Sara
“Flosses and takes care of her teeth.” –my dentist
“Surprising when you get to know her. Biggest mistake losing her!!!!” – Ex-boyfriend

“Live with no excuses and travel with no regrets” ~ Oscar Wilde. …

List Profile

Fun facts about me:

• Everywhere I go, if they have a rollercoaster I have to try it! I always laugh instead of scream, it’s so much fun.
• I prefer to eat dessert first! In fact, my secret guilty pleasure is anything sweet and chose the green lollies first.
• Am outdoorsy doesn’t matter where it just automatically makes me feel better!
• I like a mix of being active and having peaceful moments. I have even learnt to love meditating!
• Sunsets, beaches and starry nights make me smile.
• I still enjoy splashing in puddles!
• The one thing I couldn’t live without is music.
• My super skill is always being able to the funny side.
• Family and friends matter to me.

What are your fun facts?

Profile 2

Enjoy lazy Sunday mornings! I cook a mean brunch with bacon, poached eggs and smashed avo. Let me know if you want the secret of the perfect poached egg! Then it’s fun to get outside – it could be kayaking on the river, heading to the beach or catching up with friends for a chilled chat over wine. Looking for someone who enjoys experiences over things and is willing to join me on my next adventure.

Profile 3

I am a mix of opposites, but isn’t everyone? Can be a nerd getting caught up in Marvel comics or you might find me debating politics! I can’t help being passionate about the world being a better place for our kids. Don’t worry though I have my fun side and a wicked sense of humour. What can’t you help being passionate about?

Profile 4

It’s never too late to live the life you have imagined! 50 is the new 40! I love to get out, go on a spontaneous adventure, put the music up too loud and maybe even drive too fast! If you are up for a road trip, with the music blasting and wind in your hair I know we will get on well! Enjoy exercise, my work and great company. Want to join me?

Profile 5

 Nerdy and loves dad jokes! Even if you are not a fan of dad jokes I will have you laughing in no time with my stories/jokes! An engineer – that’s where the nerdy comes in. But don’t worry I am social! My best moments have been laughing and hanging out with friends and family. I am looking for someone who wants to laugh at my jokes and enjoy what life has to offer!

Profile 6

Life is all about doing different things. I love to travel and I am always planning my next trip, there are so many cool places to explore. Although I can be just as happy planning that weekend getaway where we can explore those wineries/breweries that WA is known for. Love chatting, listening and learning. I have a great group of friends, just looking for someone to share it with.

Profile 7

Coffee shops, people watching and cups of tea are all some of my favourite things. Strangely enough, I enjoy cooking and love to surprise the people I love with my latest creation. I am always experimenting in the kitchen.  My latest masterpiece was a Cherry Ripe Cheesecake – it was heavenly, calorie-free of course! Are you brave enough to try my next experiment?

Profile 8

Instead of laid back I am– hyperactive! I love doing something most of the time. There are so many things to explore and I want to make the most of life. I enjoy being outdoors – mountains or sea, why chose! If you are looking for someone who wants variety/fun/experiences, you have found them! What’s your fav thing to do?

I get that profiles are difficult, so why not leave it to the professionals. Profile writing is what we do and It is so much easier and the people who have had their profiles written are getting results! Simply click on the link and contact me.

Debbie

The post #12 Hacks for a Winning Online Dating Profile first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

The post #12 Hacks for a Winning Online Dating Profile appeared first on Debbie Rivers.

Are you wondering what the top 10 lies people tell online?  I know this is a big concern for single people. 

In fact, it is often so much of a concern that people stay away from online dating.

You can meet other single people anywhere and from my experience, it comes down to your mindset and taking consistent action that works.

I don’t believe in putting all your eggs in one basket and tell singles to:

• Be present rather than be on your phone or rushing through life. Make eye contact with the people you cross paths with and smile. A smile and a chat goes a long way.
• Try different things and go to different places.
• Try various singles events with curiosity, openness and no judgement. People can and are surprising.
• Use online dating. You will find the most singles online and it is a numbers game. Go into knowing that 90% will be wrong for you, but you only need 1. Online dating is a tool just like a hammer, don’t fall into the trap of blaming the tool for not working. It is about how you use it.

Anyway, back to the point let’s look at what the 10 biggest lies people tell online. This is based on research conducted by the University of Wisconsin-Madison and Cornell University where they found that 80% had confessed to lying on their online dating profiles!

Now don’t get too freaked out the research found that it was more about slight misrepresentations rather than major lies! This is reassuring!

Basically, people lied to get a date and to make themselves feel better. Online dating can be a tough environment with a high rejection rate, particularly for men.

The Top Ten Lies People Tell

1. Lies About Age

Men and women lie about their age, especially the older they get. Singles say they do this to get into more search groups and also because they don’t feel the age they are. The worst group was 40 to 50 age range. A  study commissioned by BeautifulPeople.com found that singles round down there by 5 years to be found in more searches.

2. Lies about Height

Men were more likely to lie about their height as they know this is important to women. Fifty per cent of men lied about being taller than they were. Women tell me that height is one of the things they struggle to compromise on. However, only 10% of the male population is over 183cm, only around 5% is single! Then they need to be the right age, like tall women and you need to like them. There are plenty of examples were taller women are very happy with shorter guys – just look at Nicole Kidman. So ladies maybe it is time to widen your net a little does a couple of inches made that much difference?

A study by Ok Cupid found taller guys got twice as many messages as shorter guys. It is interesting to know that shorter women get more attention online. Also, many taller men prefer shorter women.

3. Lies about Weight

Women are more likely to lie about weight than men. Women reduced their weight by 3.8kgs whereas men reduced theirs by .6kgs. This is a pointless lie because it will be clear as soon as you meet.  It is one of the biggest reasons you will not get a 2nd date!

4. Lies about Body Type

Many dating sites ask you to choose a body type and people often lie. Men lie by describing themselves as athletic and women describe themselves as curvy. Average often means overweight! In my role as a dating coach, I have had many clients confused about why they were getting a lot of first dates, but no second dates. When I look at their profile I can quickly see it was because they had lied about body type. In fact, I find it is the biggest reason people don’t get a 2^nd date.  Many singles have specific body types they are attracted to. If they come to the date expecting one body type and find another, it is disappointing and they can’t get over it. Remember you need to be with someone who likes you for you and how you look. Make sure your body type and your photos look like you now.

5. Lie about How Much they Earn

Singles will lie about how much they earn and increase the amount they earn by between 20 -40%. Men believed it was ok to lie about what they earnt or the type of job they did more than anything else in their profile. Men realise how important security is to women and it is why they lie about it.

6. Lie about their Job Type/Title

The study found that 42% of men and 32% of women lie about some part of their job. Some women also downplayed their intelligence.

7. Lie through their Photographs

The number one lie was singles photographs not looking like the person. The study found this was the most deceptive part of online profiles. Singles posted photos that didn’t look like them! The photographs could be too out of date, photoshopped or just didn’t look anything like them. I recommend singles use 3-5 photos – a smiling headshot taken from the right angle and not too close, a full body shot and one doing something you love. A common mistake I find is too many photos. They will have seven that look great and one that doesn’t. You are only as good as your worst photograph. Your photos should look good, but you still need the person to be able to recognise you when you meet.  

8. Told Lies about Interests/Hobbies

Singles lied about their interests/hobbies to look good and better than the reality. It was a common lie. For example, they might say they play sport when the reality is they might do it once a year. Say they enjoy walking along the beach, yet never do. Your profile should reflect what you genuinely love to do, then you will attract a person who is a good fit for you.

9. Used the Lie that they were Looking for a Relationship

Many dating platforms ask singles to indicate what type of relationship they want and this is a common lie. Singles lie about saying they want a relationship when they don’t. Men are guiltier of doing this as they have learnt that it is more likely to get them the results they want.  Men realise their chances of getting sex drops when they say they are only interested in casual. Alternatively, some people think they want a relationship and they don’t. To deal with this issue, all you need to do is to be clear about what you want and stick to it.

10. Lied about their Relationship Status

GlobalWebIndex (GWI), who released some figures on Tinder found that 42% of Tinder users were married! This is the worst lie of all and unacceptable!

I tell you the lies to make you aware of the pitfalls so you can avoid them or avoid being guilty of using then. Trust is an issue for many singles so avoid telling a lie before you meet. It may sound grim and make you think about all that is wrong in the world. But the good news is a third of all Australians meet their partner online.  In fact, it is the one place you are guaranteed to find more singles than anywhere else!

Debbie

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