I’ve failed to find love online, I’m frustrated and want to give up was the heading on an email I received from *Julie. This is what her email said:
I have a pretty good life, a great job and think I am a good catch. But I have been struggling to meet someone. I have been using online dating and have gone out on 25 dates over the past 8 months. The problem is that all the dates end up the same way – I only ever get to the second and sometimes third date but never beyond that.
Either they don’t like me or I don’t like them. In fact, the ones I don’t like me back. I am tired of the ones I like telling me that I’m a great person but that they don’t feel it, that there’s no spark.
I feel exhausted, over it and quite honestly hopeless! It hurts to have tried and put myself out there 25 times and still have it fail. I don’t think I can do it anymore as it feels crap. I didn’t think it would be this hard!
Should I give up on finding that special person and give up on love?
Do I need to change who I am to get results? I look up advice but there is so much contradictory advice out there and when I have tried some of it, it just doesn’t seem to work. All it does is get me stuck in overthinking and then I come across weird! I can’t be something or someone I’m not!
I have put myself out there with 25 people and it hasn’t worked. To be honest it leaves me feeling there isn’t anyone out there for me or that there is something wrong with ME!
I am getting used to things not working out for me and I don’t look forward to my dates anymore. I want to find love; how do I get out of this vicious cycle?
The situation that Julie described is a pretty common reality for many singles. I am happy to say after working with me, Julie is now dating someone who she likes and who likes her back!
Let’s have look at Julie’s situation.
Julie’s perception of her situation was that she had failed as none of the dates ended up being a relationship.
Yet the reality of the situation is that Julie managed to get and go on 25 dates. That means she had 25 people like her profile and her conversation online enough to go to the next step and meet her in real life!
Julie hadn’t ‘failed’ as getting 25 dates isn’t the picture of ‘failed’. Her perceptions of what ‘failed’ was all or nothing thinking.
In fact, the reality is that this is simply the way online dating works. Maybe, you are reading this thinking I am being a little harsh, but let me explain what I mean!
The reality is that online dating is different to meeting people in real life and takes more effort.
There are so many steps that you need to take to get the results. You have to take the time to read the other person’s profile, they have to choose you and then there is all of that time consuming messaging back and forth before you even get to a date.
Then when someone has decided they want to meet you then you have to agree on the place, get dressed up and drive to meet them.
When you think about it, that is a lot that has to happen to get you to the point of that first date.
So, it makes perfect sense that after going to all that effort that it feels like failed! It gives that yucky let down feeling you get when it didn’t go anywhere after making all that effort!
Let’s compare that to meeting someone when you are out. You would talk to the person and you would only ask them out or go out with them if you liked them. If you didn’t like them you won’t take things any further or even worry about it much.
In real life, you have the opportunity to know if you are interested in the other person quicker. The reality is instead of asking/or going out with 25 people, you may only ask 3 out. It takes much less effort and you have a better chance of it going beyond one or two dates! Oh, and you get so much less of the ‘failed’ feelings!
The reality is online dating is a great tool but it does take extra work and effort compared with meeting people in person. It does lead to more of the perception of ‘failed”. But remember that is only a perception!
The other thing about online dating profiles is that people often create profiles that don’t match reality. They either use pictures or words that don’t match who they are. You will come across plenty of singles who sound good when you chat to them but who just won’t do it for you when you meet in person. You don’t have that problem when you meet people first!
This is just the reality of online dating!
However, don’t use this as a reason to avoid online dating because it is a useful tool where you will find the most singles in one place. Especially when you don’t take it personally or see it as failed!
It may feel exhausting but don’t give up, try to be someone you are not or think you need to hack the algorithms to be successful.
Julie had 25 dates, which is a good result and she needed to see online dating for what it is.
When we took a closer look at what Julie was doing there were a few common traps she was falling into to. The great thing about Julie is she was willing to learn how to change what she was doing so that she could get the results she wanted instead of the continual disappointment of failed. The best thing was it worked!
1. Choosing the wrong people
It was clear that Julie often went on dates with the wrong types of people. It was either they weren’t a good fit or they just didn’t want the same type of relationship that she did. Dating may be a numbers game, but there is absolutely no point wasting time on people who simply will never want what you do. Julie could have saved herself the disappointment of dates that would never go anywhere.
Julie’s profile needed to change to reflect who she was. By doing this, her profile would appeal to the type of person that she wanted to meet. Julie was guilty of seeing herself as the ‘buyer’ and her profile was about what she did and didn’t want. The reality is a dating profile is actually a sales page that promotes you as the product! This means you have to appeal to the person you want to meet.
Julie fell into the trap of describing what she didn’t want and coming across as negative. A dating profile should be real, personal and always positive. I have given you an example to show you how simple it can be.
‘I am a big movie buff. When I’m not catching a new release at the movies, I’m going on some sort of adventure or chilling with my dog, Tiger! Since covid-19 hit the adventures are local and I’ve had fun exploring and finding some unexpected treasures! I also enjoy being active and cooking (cliché, I know). I’m at the point in life where I am looking for a long-term relationship and someone to share those adventures with.’
Julie’s photos needed to change. In Julie’s first photo she was wearing black, hiding behind her sunglasses and the photo looked like a mugshot. It was too close and no one looks their best like that. In all her photos Julie looked different and it was hard to work out how she looked. To be honest, Julie didn’t exactly look like her photos and that was part of the problem she had getting second dates with many of the men she really liked. This is too much to get past, you know feeling like you have been misled and even lied to via a photo.
I recommended that she wore colour in her first photograph to stand out as the majority of people wear neutral colours in their profile pictures. She needed to take off the sunglasses so people could see what she looked like. Her first picture should be a smiling headshot that isn’t super close or too far away, a photo that reflects what she enjoyed doing and a full-length photograph. I told Julie that the photos need to look like she does now, so people know what to expect when they met her.
4. The date
When Julie came to coaching she realised that she was getting in the way of her own happiness. How? By some of her mannerisms, what she talked about on her dates and the business-like way, she was approaching dating. Julie wasn’t able to see this on her own and it was amazing how simple changes make all the difference. The reality was that in a matter of months Julie was finally enjoying a wonderful relationship.
Online dating is only one way that you can meet single people. After working with me Julie took full advantage of the joy of meeting people in the real world. Julie changed how she approached dating and had more fun in life in general. Which of course changed the way she came across to the men she met. Instead of coming across business-like, she came across as a warm and friendly person who enjoyed their life!
Julie felt like a failure when it came to dating even though she had 25 dates. Changing her perception made a big difference to how she felt and how she acted. Julie realised that there were plenty of great singles out there looking for a partner and best of all she found the one she wanted.
Just like Julie, you may not realise what is getting in the way of your success. If you are wondering what that is, simply book in a free discovery call here, you have everything to gain and absolutely nothing to lose. Julie tells me that working with me was the best decision she made.