Alright, let’s have a real chat about dating when you’re fabulous and over 50. I see it all the time, especially here in Perth. Wonderful, vibrant singles put themselves out there but accidentally shoot themselves in the foot.

What’s the culprit? Often, it’s a monster-sized expectations list. This list is less about finding a genuine connection. It’s more about righting the wrongs of the past or chasing a perfect ideal that doesn’t actually exist.

You know the drill. We come out of a long marriage, or a few shorter ones, and suddenly we have this mental checklist. “He has to be taller than me, earn more, love my kids, hate golf, and never leave a sock on the floor!” On top of that, we pile on everything we felt we “deserved” but never got last time.

Sound familiar?

Here’s the harsh truth & real dating advice for singles over 50!

When you load up your dating criteria, you create a high barrier. You end up missing out on genuinely great people. You’re essentially chasing a lie, a perfect fantasy. It exists only in your head, and it causes you to overlook the real, imperfect, and wonderful human beings right in front of you.

This isn’t about settling. This is about being smart and open-hearted. It’s about finding real happiness, not a movie script.

So, how do we ditch this impossible checklist? How do we open ourselves up to real love?

5 Tips for Singles Over 50 to Avoid this Trap

1. Shift Your Focus from “What I Want” to “How I Want to Feel”

Don’t list physical attributes, job titles, or specific hobbies. Instead, focus on the emotions you want a partner to evoke. Do you want to feel safe, respected, cherished, or simply happy? This opens you up to a wider range of people who can meet those core needs. it is also the best Dating advice for singles over 50.

2. Distinguish Between Deal-Breakers and Preferences

Be honest with yourself. Is his slight paunch truly a deal-breaker? Or is it a preference stopping you from getting to know an incredibly kind man? A deal-breaker is something that fundamentally compromises your values or happiness. A preference is something that would be nice, but isn’t essential. Let go of the superficial preferences.

3. Heal Your Past, Don’t Project It

If your last relationship left you with unmet needs, process those hurts before you date. Don’t go into a new connection expecting someone to “fix” what your ex lacked. Every person is unique. They deserve to be seen for who they are, not as a remedy for your past wounds.

4. Embrace Imperfection (Yours and Theirs)

Newsflash: you’re not perfect, and neither is anyone else. The magic of a mature relationship lies in accepting and loving each other’s quirks and flaws. If you expect a flawless individual, you will be endlessly disappointed. Look for compatibility, kindness, and shared values—not perfection.

5. Go Fishing Where the Fish Are (and Be Present!)

You won’t catch a fish from your couch! And you won’t find love if your mind is constantly comparing potential partners to an unrealistic ideal. Get out to singles events. Try online dating with an open mind. When you’re on a date, be on the date. Listen, laugh, and genuinely try to connect with the person across from you.

Dating Advice for Singles Over 50

Dating over 50 is a wonderful opportunity to find companionship, joy, and deep connection. But it requires a realistic, open-hearted approach. Ditch the fairytale checklist, focus on how you want to feel, and be present for the amazing people who are truly out there. You might just be surprised by the incredible “fish” you catch!

If you want specific dating advice for singles over 50, why not look at the different types of ways I can help you?

The post Ditch the Dating Wishlist: How Over 50s Can Find Real Love (Not Just a Fairytale) first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

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Has your confidence taken a hit? It could have happened for so many different reasons.

Maybe you have:

• Just come out of a failed relationship.
• You are having difficulty in your relationship and it is taking up all of your time and energy.
• Been cheated on. It hit you hard and it has affected your own confidence. 
• You have been rejected by someone you dated or even were in love with.
• Have been rejected more than you would like to admit.
• Getting older and you worry that no one will find you attractive anymore.
• Keep making mistakes.
• Choose the wrong people and don’t trust yourself anymore.

You could be doing well in other areas of your life but the sh*t from your relationships is getting to you. It is undermining your confidence! And quite honestly affecting other areas of your life including the ones you are doing well in.

You can’t help feeling that you aren’t good looking enough, thin enough, young enough, not enough or even too much!

Whatever the story you are telling yourself is, it makes your life hard. If you are in a relationship it takes all your time or if you are single it makes it hard to put yourself back out there and meet someone.

You don’t feel you can be yourself – because that isn’t working. It’s so much easier to stay home. You can’t get rejected there, right!

Or maybe you are caught up in the self-sabotage circle.

You don’t feel great about yourself so you mess up in a million different ways rather than risk getting hurt again.  At least that’s in your control!

 Or you are stuck in the validation trap – where you feel so bad about yourself that you continue to date to feel better about yourself. Yet all this does is bring more people into your life who are toxic or who treat you badly.

It makes you doubt yourself and the people you meet.

 This will be especially true if you have come out of a relationship that didn’t work out the way you wanted it. This could just be with someone who didn’t want what you did or it could be dating someone who was toxic.

It leaves you questioning yourself and everything else. It also kills your confidence!

But there is another way! So, you don’t end up being stuck in the self-protection zone where you either withdraw or push good people away. Living a life that is full of anxiety and mistrust.

There is a way to feel good about yourself and get your confidence back.

Guess what it starts with you and the most important relationship you will EVER have

– the one you have with yourself!

Okay, it sounds good but what does that even mean in the real world?

Let’s look at how you can do that! You do that by startubg to feel better about yourself, by building your own confidence and by building a strong relationship with yourself.

7 Underrated Ways to Increase Your Confidence

1. Confidence Starts with You

The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. Let’s start by looking at how you treat yourself. What words do you say to yourself and what actions do you take for yourself? Are you your own best friend or your own worst enemy?

Take time to notice how you are talking to yourself. Are you kind and supportive or are you harsh, judgemental and critical? Maybe you haven’t even taken the time to notice. So, what I want you to do is to get a notebook and write down what you are saying to yourself for a couple of days. Notice what the theme is.

If you find you are being harsh on yourself make a conscious effort to change that and start to be kind and understanding.

When you stop accepting judgement and criticism from yourself is much easier to stop accepting it from other people in your life, including those you date or who you are in a relationship with.

2. Confidence Comes from Healthy Boundaries

Developing healthy boundaries is about being clear about how other people treat you. You stop putting up with bad/toxic behaviour in others. You become clear about what is and isn’t acceptable for you.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”– Brene Brown

I recommend you start small by speaking up for yourself about the little things and it will become easier with the bigger things.

3. Notice How you Feel

When you are looking for validation (for someone else to make you feel good) you end up focusing on them to get that attention. Rather than focusing on yourself and what you are feeling.

If you want to be able to trust yourself again it is important to notice how you feel rather than putting your focus and attention on everyone else.  Get in touch with your own intuition and gut feelings. Instead of focusing on your insecurities, your hurts or your triggers get in touch with YOU.

4. How you start each day

How do you start each day? Do you start the day feeling down, focusing on what has gone wrong in the past or do you start the day thinking of what is possible?

How you start the day sets the tone for that day. So, when you wake up in the morning start your day from a place of possibility. It makes such as difference. 

Each day ask yourself:

• How would you act if you came from possibility?
• What would you do?
• What would you be doing differently?

When you start to think of what is possible it changes everything. You can start to think of the future you want and then take steps to make it happen.

Remember that instead of thinking about all the things that make you feel bad, think of the things that make you feel good. You can teach your brain to do this rather than being stuck in thoughts that cause a negative spiral.

5. The people you spend time with and groups you belong to

The people you spend your time with have a big impact on you. Research has found that we are the ‘sum’ of the five people we spend the most time with. What does that mean? It means becoming like the people we hang out with.

If you spend time with people who are:

• Negative
• Who believe dating is hard, that there are no good singles out there, etc
• That relationships don’t work
• Believe relationships should be ‘perfect’.

Then you will end up thinking like them. Talking to people who feel this way will simply kill the possibilities in your life, especially if you are always focussing on dating/relationship stories that have gone wrong.

Or maybe the people you spend time with put you down and don’t make you feel good about yourself? Maybe they are negative, sarcastic and judgemental? That will eventually rub off on you.

It is important to have supportive and encouraging people in your life.  It may even be time to find some new friends.

The reality is that your life should be better with the people you chose to spend time with rather than worse!

6. Challenge Yourself

Challenge yourself and it will increase your confidence! This could be by learning something new or being kind to a stranger!

Challenge yourself to go to a networking event where you don’t know someone. It allows you to talk to other people and even make new friends. Put your focus on making them feel good, rather than expecting anything!

Learn new skills and then practice them. Don’t get too hung up on what you want to do – learn, challenge yourself and have fun. When you learn new skills, it builds confidence that you can do something you haven’t been able to do before!

If it seems too much take bite-sized actions. Set small goals you would like to happen, write them down and take action.

Too often when you try to achieve big goals it came be overwhelming and you can give up or feel discouraged if you don’t achieve them. But, when you try something small and achieve it, it will instantly boost your confidence. You will feel good, have a sense of achievement and have the confidence to keep going.

Another thing you can do is do something that scares you and gets you out of your comfort zone. It will make those daily challenges pale in comparison and increase your confidence!

7. Focus on Your Wins and Celebrate!

It is all too easy to be your own worst critic and to focus on what you do wrong or don’t like about yourself.  All that does is kill your confidence. 

We live in such a way, that we achieve our goals and don’t even take the time to notice! It is time to celebrate your wins, successes and what you like about yourself. Focussing and celebrating your strengths increases your happiness and self-esteem. It is often easy to celebrate other people’s success and what we like about them yet struggle to do that for ourselves. Or you wait for someone else to celebrate and acknowledge your achievements and it never happens.

When you recognise and celebrate YOUR wins and successes it is a powerful motivator because it makes all the hard work worthwhile and it shows appreciation for your own achievements. This then boosts your confidence and motivates you to take the next step towards achieving the next goal.

Conclusion

If you are someone is proactive and wants to increase your confidence, why not book a call with a Relationship Coach now?

Alternatively, if you want to work on your self-esteem at your own pace you can purchase the Learn How to Love Yourself Course.

Debbie Rivers, Relationship Coach

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If you are getting sick and tired of waiting to meet someone or broken up with someone you like – trying new experiences is the best thing you can do.

When you are single when you don’t want to be or suddenly find yourself single it can be tough. You might feel like your whole world has fallen apart and don’t know what to do with yourself or your free time. You can feel lost and lonely.

It is easy to:

1. Start dating someone new to make you feel better and fill up the void.
2. Shop – the excitement of buying something new makes you feel better
3. Make yourself busy – that could be throwing yourself into work or focussing fully on your children.

Yet instead of filling the void, they are temporary fixes!

That will often create a different type of problem, like:

1. Dating someone new may give you an ego boost or fill the space. However, the reality is that it will often cause more damage because you haven’t gotten over the last person or have any real emotional space for them.  You also can end up hurting someone else who was ready for a relationship.
2. The excitement of buying something new is short-lived and leaves you broke!
3. Work or family isn’t meant to be your whole life. Focusing on your work or on your children is good yet you will be better at both if you live a full life and look after yourself.

Routines

You might find routines help to keep you occupied, as they become so familiar that they fill up the void and help you lose track of time. Yet those daily, weekly and annual events may keep you stuck from living a life that makes you happy.

To live your best life you don’t want to live the same day over and over again, year after year.

Research About New Experiences

Research by the State University of San Francisco found that people who spend their money on experiences rather than things were happier.  The research found that the joy/memories from experiences last a lifetime compared to the fleeting thrill of purchasing material items.

The Answer to the Void is Trying New Experiences 

The best answer to fill the void in your life, believe it or not, is trying new experiences! It will lead you to live a life you love and that makes you happy.

1. Trying New Experiences Helps You Get Over Fear

Routine is easy to follow and trying something new can feel scary. It is easy to get caught up overthinking all the things that could go wrong, right! Like you won’t be very good at it, you won’t enjoy it, you won’t know what to say, you will look stupid, etc.

However, there is always some level of fear when you do something you haven’t done before.  Yet, everything worthwhile happens outside of your comfort zone! When you take the step to get out of your comfort zone and try new experiences it allows you to get over that fear and realise that you can.  Each time you take that step it becomes easier. 

Excitement and fear are both the same emotion – it all comes down to your perspective.

Feeling the fear and doing it will benefit all areas of your life and allow you to grow!

2. Allows You to Get to Know Who You are and What You Like

If you have been in a long term relationship you may have lost who you are because you were so busy being a mum/dad, wife/husband. Instead of jumping into a new relationship, it is time to discover and get to know yourself all over again. Think of it as dating yourself! Trying new experiences gives you the chance to work out what you do and don’t enjoy doing.  Maybe you didn’t go dancing because your partner didn’t like it or you didn’t go camping because that wasn’t their thing? Or you could have believed that you weren’t any good at painting or cooking or sport because when you last did those things, you sucked! Or there could be things you haven’t tried. Go out and experiment and discover what you do and don’t like.

I didn’t believe I had an artistic bone in my body and when friends asked me to go to a Sip and Paint Class I wasn’t keen because I didn’t believe I could do it. Guess what I could and came away with a painting I actually like. I also came away feeling great about myself because I had created/achieved something I NEVER thought I could.  

As you start to try new experiences or revisit ones you thought you didn’t like,  you will discover what you like and even who you want to become. You will also be surprised at how good it will make you feel about yourself. . Have fun with it!

2. Arouses Creativity

Did you know that trying new experiences actually stimulates more creativity in your brain? Trying new experiences creates new pathways in your brain and arouses creativity in other areas of your life. Creative people know the secret to keeping their creativity alive is to try new things.  It has the added benefit of allowing you to think and see everything in a new light.

3. Makes You More Interesting and Attractive

Trying new experiences is all about you and enjoying your own life. However, it has the added benefit of making you more interesting in your work and personal life. It literally makes you more marketable. Having a life you enjoy instantly makes you more attractive to the opposite sex. Why, because you look proactive and interesting rather than a victim of circumstances.  The reality is that relying on someone else to be your happiness puts too much pressure on the other person and comes across as needy/desperate which is unattractive to anyone. 

4. Have Fun Saying Yes

I challenge you to have fun saying yes to any new experiences you are offered over the next couple of months. Instead of making up an excuse, avoiding it or even binge-watching Netflix say yes. It may feel uncomfortable but you will be surprised by the adventures you will go on. After all, life is way too short for a beige bland routine life!

What New Experiences Can You Try?

I see way too many singles waiting until they meet someone to try new experiences. They put off the trip, eating out or doing things they want to because they don’t believe they can do it alone. For many, they completely miss out. 

So, it’s time to ditch the daily grind and start living your life as an exciting adventure!

You can:

• Learn something new. This can literally be ANYTHING. Like self-development, learning to play a new sport, learning to paint, learning to play a musical instrument, to cook, to dance, to meditate, public speaking, acting, yoga, etc. Literally, learn anything new and this will challenge you in ways you haven’t been challenged before. Oh, and give you some fun, interesting things to chat about.
• Travel on your own. There is something wonderful about travelling on your own that really does get you out of your comfort zone. It pushes you to meet other people in a way that travelling with people you know doesn’t. It doesn’t have to be overseas, you can explore country towns or other city locations. You could even try camping! You will learn a lot about yourself from travelling on your own.
• Go out alone. Yes, you can go out alone and try new experiences. Whether that is a restaurant, a walking group, or groups like Meetups. With Meetups, they have lots of different interest groups and you have the added benefit of going out alone but not having to be alone. This is not about dating but meeting new people and expanding your world. 
• Go to Singles Events.
• Cook! Cook all your own meals for a week from a recipe book that you haven’t tried before. No takeaway or ready-made meals. You will learn new skills and enjoy the benefits of home-cooked meals.

Finally

Life is too short to stay in a rut,  get out there and try new experiences it will be worth the initial discomfort.

If you want to get out there but feel you are struggling and want some help, that is where I come in as a Relationship Coach. All you need to do is book your free discovery call.

Debbie Rivers, Relationship Coach

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Maybe you have heard the cliché you have to get under someone to get over someone! But it is a recipe for disaster because you can end up bleeding all over someone who didn’t hurt you! It is like putting a band-aid over a gaping wound that you didn’t even bother to clean!  You can see why that wouldn’t work! It will just cause infection, make the wound take longer to heal and leave a huge scare!

The other thing that can happen is if you don’t take the time to heal you end up repeating the behaviours what you didn’t take the time to repair! For instance, you could be too needy, insecure or jealous and damage the next relationship.

The pain of a break-up can be crippling! The pain you experience does depend on the relationship you had and you can experience intense pain after only dating someone for a short amount of time because of the power of the connection.

What Does Research Say About When to Date Again After a Break-up

You might have heard that it takes a month for every year you have been with someone. Or followed popular culture and Charlotte’s advice from Sex in the City where it will take you half the time you have been together to get over them. Omg, that would be daunting and unrealistic if you have been married for 20 or so years.

So, what does real research/science say? Scientists carried out research to work out the best time and a 2007 study found 71% of people who’d experienced a breakup felt better after three months. Another survey in 2017 of approximately 2,000 found it was at the six months mark. For those who had divorced, a 2009 study found it took around 18 months to move on.

Even the research doesn’t give us a clear answer! Why? Because everyone is different and there is no magic formula or one size fits all for when it is the right time to start dating again. For some people, it can take weeks and other people it can take decades. It really does all depend on the person, the type of relationship/breakup you experienced and what you do to get over the break-up!

Why a Break-up  Takes Longer

1.You Didn’t Want the Breakup

If you didn’t want the break-up or were blindsided by the break-up then it stands to reason that it will take you longer to get over it. It is always harder for the person who has been broken up with as they don’t have any control over the situation. You had no choice in what happened to you and that is hard to deal with. When you both decide to break-up it is much easier than having something happen to you that you simply didn’t want.

2.Believed they Were Your One & Only

If you believed that this was the ‘one’ and only person for you and that you were meant to be together it makes sense that you will find it difficult to move on. You believed this relationship would last and stand the test of time, that it was your destiny. That it failed will be beyond your comprehension!

3. They Cheated

If the person you loved and trusted the most in the world betrayed you it makes moving on so much harder. Healing those deep wounds can feel impossible. It is a double whammy – you have to get over someone you loved and also deal with the fact that they consciously chose to hurt you.

4. You Don’t Want to Let Go

You have to choose to let someone go and many people just don’t want to. They feel like this person was the only one for them and they keep that alive in their heads! They believe that no-one will compare to their ex and they see their relationship as perfect even when it wasn’t. They keep the fantasy alive rather than dealing with the painful reality.

To Get Over Your Ex after a Break-up

It can be easy to want to distract yourself and get back out there and date because you feel lonely. However, if you don’t take the time to get over your ex you can end up hurting the next person you date and yourself.

Just like any bad experience in life you have to go through it! You can’t avoid it or the steps that you need to take. The pain is real and research backs this up and they have found that you can experience real physical pain and it will hurt your actual heart! It is actually heartbreaking!

Feel The Feelings To Get Over The Break-up

You may want to avoid the pain yet all that does it make it last longer. You need to take the time to feel your feelings about the breakup and grieve. Crying is one way you can process those feelings, so is getting angry and feeling sad. Listening to sad songs will actually help as research has found that doing this leads to more positive emotions for the person listening to them. So, play sad break-up songs and allow yourself to completely feel your emotions.

To ‘get over’ your breakup just like any other bad experience you need to go through it! Let yourself feel the pain, the emotions and grieve your loss. Take the time you need to be able to do this and take as much as YOU need. Whether that’s weeks or years. Time really is the best healer. In fact, ‘Time heals all wounds’ is a cliché for a reason. Know that this too shall pass.

So, How Do You Know That You’re Ready to Date Again?

You have come to a place where you are not hurt and emotional anymore about the break-up! You have gotten to the point where you are able to have a conversation without talking about your ex! Finally, you are able to let go of what could have been and leave the past in the past and only take the lessons you have learnt with you.

You will know if you are ready to date if you are excited about getting back out there again. 

If you’re looking forward to meeting someone new and feel that you are ready to move forward with your life then you are ready.  However, if you’re continually romanticising and thinking about your ex. If you just want to go on dates to make your ex jealous and want you back it really is a strong sign you aren’t ready yet!

Conclusion

Break-ups can be hard to get over and you may need some help to do that. If you are struggling, why not book in a free discovery call – you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. It’s simple, just book here. 

Debbie xx

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