When Should You Have Sex with Him?


When Should you have Sex with the guy you have met? 

As a Dating Coach this is a question I am often asked. How people view sex has dramatically changed. Some of the questions I am asked are:

  •  How long should you wait to have sex?
  • Is it okay to wait or do you lose a guy for not having sex with him sooner rather than later?

 I am also asked if in this day and age does it matters whether when you have sex?

The answer is – It depends on what you are looking for!

If you only want a hook up and its casual, go ahead there is no need to wait.

But if you want a relationship it DOES matter! Holding out longer is ALWAYS beneficial.

I can hear you saying it’s the 21st century and women can do what they want, when they want to, after all, guys do.

However, since sex is easier to get, love is harder to find and there are benefits in delayed gratification!


1. Oxytocin

Oxytocin is released when you have sex, it is the bonding drug and lowers your defences. The reason you get attached to a guy after you have slept with him is Oxytocin . It is why you feel crap when a relationship ends, no matter how short term. Men on the other hand simply receive a surge of pleasure!

2. Hormones

The hormones released when you have sex and are in love are the same as taking drugs and have the same effect. They can block pain and stimulate the same part of the brain as cocaine. Just like a drug addict you will do ANYTHING to get a hit. Losing it can actually cause you physical pain just like withdrawing from drugs. No wonder you can act crazy when you don’t have it anymore.

3. Clouds Judgement

Sex clouds your judgement! In fact, the hormones released will shut down the left frontal cortex related to judgement (oh and only in relation to the person). It allows you to overlook their flaws and inflate their good qualities. Sex addles your brain and the chemical cocktail released shuts down rational thought processes.

4. Dopamine

When you have sex dopamine is released, this makes you feel GREAT. Research (under the influence) shows if you get a reward too early, especially before you were expecting it, it reduces the amount of dopamine released. Whereas a delayed reward increases it. So it actually feels much better when you wait!

5. Want What we Can’t Have

You are wired to like and want what is harder to get. You know the sort after and expensive. Easy come, easy go is a cliché for a reason – because it is TRUE. You need to value yourself and other people will too. Sex too early can give the impression that you don’t value yourself.

6. Anticipation

When you first meet someone kissing them and making out is exciting and FUN. There are only a few times in your life where you get to experience this. Why rush the excitement and anticipation? You also have their FULL attention so take the time to enjoy it. I would recommend waiting the minimum of 5 dates. Oh and make sure the minimum time span is one month (having 5 dates in one week doesn’t count)! Denying instant gratification will gain you so much more.

The key  is not to use sex as the prize. When you say I will sleep with you after five dates it looks like a challenge. Guys are competitive and like to win, so he can end up focused on that challenge! A better way to say no is I am enjoying getting to know you and I can wait to take things further with you as this feels so good. I just do that when I feel ready. Keep the mystery and anticipation alive.

7. Intimacy

Waiting creates emotional intimacy, when you have sex too quickly you override this. Build an emotional connection (how long this takes will vary). Acting on strong physical connections can cause you to rely too much on your sexual relationship. Whereas if you build the emotional connection first it will keep your sex life healthy when the passion dies. Basically sex feeds the body but not your soul, it doesn’t do anything for your deep rooted need for connection. The more casual sex you have it can create a pattern of emotional detachment that is hard to break.

8. Trust

If you find it hard to trust experimenting with sex can affect you badly. Having casual sex will increase your feelings of alienation from others; it can damage your self-esteem and even cause depression.

9. Too Much Sex

Having lots of sex where you feel used can make you bitter towards men. It can make you feel that there aren’t any good men out there, that all men want is sex. If you are having a lot of sex and you can’t find a lasting relationship it can effect your self-esteem as most women have a desire for a genuine connection. It can send you in a negative spiral and you are at risk of bringing this with you into your future and wreaking a great relationship with the right guy.

1o. Sex Doesn’t Win Men Over

Sex does not win men over; this is a game where women lose! When I talk to guys they say sex is easy to come by and that women are willing to do anything. Believe it or not this does not impress men, as much as they may say otherwise. Men are wired to win a girl over and are instinctively drawn to the chase. When a guy gets what he wants too quickly, he often doesn’t want it. Whether or not we like it, it is a primal instinct in a man to chase and the longer the chase takes, the more value it holds. So waiting works in your favour. So find out where you stand before you have sex – it definitely saves getting hurt!

If you have any questions on sex and dating, click on the link to contact me.


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