The reality of life is that breakups are tough and it is easy to do whatever it takes to stop the pain you are feeling. Including texting your ex!

You find yourself remembering all the wonderful memories you both shared. You know of how wonderful being in love was and find yourself wanting that back and can’t stop thinking about getting back together.  The reality is that you can end up romanticizing your relationship.

The dictionary meaning of romanticizing Is –

‘to talk about something in a way that makes it sound better than it really is, or to believe that something is better than it really is’.

It is human and normal to remember the good and forget the bad. It is also important to know the honest truth about relationships.

But the real honest truth is you can easily forget how you actually felt in the relationship. That could have been continually arguing, or feeling unloved or unheard.

It can be all too easy to remember the good times and forget why you broke up in the first place.

But the reality of getting back together is you might just be:

1. Missing being in a relationship but not the actual person.
2. You are scared that you won’t find anyone else or that anyone else will want you.

You are not alone, around 50-60% of couples do attempt getting back together. The problem is that it only works out around 15% of the time! Not high odds!

The whole getting back together is a supercharged experience full of romance, promises and declarations!

But then real life will get back in the way, especially if nothing has changed.

Getting back together can work but you need to realise it is the exception rather than the rule and the stats prove it! 

It really is all too easy to go back to what you know, to what is familiar but it doesn’t mean it will make you any happier this time around.

One good question to ask yourself is, ‘Can you go through with the pain of breaking up with them all over again’. This question acts as a reality test.

The problem with getting back with an ex is you broke up for a reason and if you get back together you will face the same old problems all over again. You will also have the extra issues caused by the pain of your break up and fear it could happen all over again.   

Your relationship will not and cannot be the same after a breakup as it was before. You need to realise that you will have caused damage by breaking up that have changed things forever!

Before you reach for the phone to send a text, how do you know if it is a good idea?

Will you be part of the lucky 15% like Prince William and Kate or not?

The 4 Reasons Getting Back Together is a Good Idea

1. Getting Back Together – You have both changed!

It is important to take an honest look at yourself and the other person. What have you learnt from the breakdown of your relationship? Have those issues changed, have you both changed? If you have both learnt the lessons you needed to, things can work and getting back together can be a good thing. But, if you haven’t learnt anything then it stands to reason that it will end up the same way, as you will be the same people. It is important to realise that if nothing has changed then it is not a good idea.  It can be all too easy to live in magical thinking rather than reality.

2. Getting Back Together – The situation has changed!

Timing is important for a relationship to work. Did you break up because the time wasn’t right when you were together? You could have been too young, wanted to travel or focus on your career. Maybe you were leaving on a gap year trip, studying, working long hours to make ends meet or had to move away. If the situation has changed getting back together can work. It will give you a good chance of your relationship turning out the second time around.

3. Getting Back Together – Your mind has changed!

If you split up with your because the relationship didn’t feel good, don’t think it is going to be magically better the next time around. It may be easy to start to think that your ex is so much better than what you are seeing on the dating apps. But don’t fall into the scarcity trap! Instead, ask yourself what has changed and take the time to be really honest with yourself.  Maybe after self-reflection, you realise that you have changed your mind and that is ok. If your mind has changed getting back together has a good chance of working out.

4. You are willing to forgive!

To make your relationship work again you need to be willing to let the past go and forgive what needs to be forgiven. It is about making the decision to not bring up the past. That means even when you are having a fight. You need to accept your ex for who they are now, not who they were or who they could have been. Let go of the grudges and the judgement.

Conclusion

In summary, for things to work out the 2^nd time you need one of the four points! You both need to have changed or your circumstances need to have changed or you have changed your mind and you can forgive.

You will need to be open, honest and approach it with emotional maturity! Because getting back together will only have a chance of working if you both decide to go have your eyes and heart open.

If you are confused about getting back together with your ex why not book in a free discovery call to find out the answer. All you need to do is book here.

Debbie. 

The post Getting Back Together With Your ex, is it Ever a Good Idea? first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

The post Getting Back Together With Your ex, is it Ever a Good Idea? appeared first on Debbie Rivers.

Maybe you have heard the cliché you have to get under someone to get over someone! But it is a recipe for disaster because you can end up bleeding all over someone who didn’t hurt you! It is like putting a band-aid over a gaping wound that you didn’t even bother to clean!  You can see why that wouldn’t work! It will just cause infection, make the wound take longer to heal and leave a huge scare!

The other thing that can happen is if you don’t take the time to heal you end up repeating the behaviours what you didn’t take the time to repair! For instance, you could be too needy, insecure or jealous and damage the next relationship.

The pain of a break-up can be crippling! The pain you experience does depend on the relationship you had and you can experience intense pain after only dating someone for a short amount of time because of the power of the connection.

What Does Research Say About When to Date Again After a Break-up

You might have heard that it takes a month for every year you have been with someone. Or followed popular culture and Charlotte’s advice from Sex in the City where it will take you half the time you have been together to get over them. Omg, that would be daunting and unrealistic if you have been married for 20 or so years.

So, what does real research/science say? Scientists carried out research to work out the best time and a 2007 study found 71% of people who’d experienced a breakup felt better after three months. Another survey in 2017 of approximately 2,000 found it was at the six months mark. For those who had divorced, a 2009 study found it took around 18 months to move on.

Even the research doesn’t give us a clear answer! Why? Because everyone is different and there is no magic formula or one size fits all for when it is the right time to start dating again. For some people, it can take weeks and other people it can take decades. It really does all depend on the person, the type of relationship/breakup you experienced and what you do to get over the break-up!

Why a Break-up  Takes Longer

1.You Didn’t Want the Breakup

If you didn’t want the break-up or were blindsided by the break-up then it stands to reason that it will take you longer to get over it. It is always harder for the person who has been broken up with as they don’t have any control over the situation. You had no choice in what happened to you and that is hard to deal with. When you both decide to break-up it is much easier than having something happen to you that you simply didn’t want.

2.Believed they Were Your One & Only

If you believed that this was the ‘one’ and only person for you and that you were meant to be together it makes sense that you will find it difficult to move on. You believed this relationship would last and stand the test of time, that it was your destiny. That it failed will be beyond your comprehension!

3. They Cheated

If the person you loved and trusted the most in the world betrayed you it makes moving on so much harder. Healing those deep wounds can feel impossible. It is a double whammy – you have to get over someone you loved and also deal with the fact that they consciously chose to hurt you.

4. You Don’t Want to Let Go

You have to choose to let someone go and many people just don’t want to. They feel like this person was the only one for them and they keep that alive in their heads! They believe that no-one will compare to their ex and they see their relationship as perfect even when it wasn’t. They keep the fantasy alive rather than dealing with the painful reality.

To Get Over Your Ex after a Break-up

It can be easy to want to distract yourself and get back out there and date because you feel lonely. However, if you don’t take the time to get over your ex you can end up hurting the next person you date and yourself.

Just like any bad experience in life you have to go through it! You can’t avoid it or the steps that you need to take. The pain is real and research backs this up and they have found that you can experience real physical pain and it will hurt your actual heart! It is actually heartbreaking!

Feel The Feelings To Get Over The Break-up

You may want to avoid the pain yet all that does it make it last longer. You need to take the time to feel your feelings about the breakup and grieve. Crying is one way you can process those feelings, so is getting angry and feeling sad. Listening to sad songs will actually help as research has found that doing this leads to more positive emotions for the person listening to them. So, play sad break-up songs and allow yourself to completely feel your emotions.

To ‘get over’ your breakup just like any other bad experience you need to go through it! Let yourself feel the pain, the emotions and grieve your loss. Take the time you need to be able to do this and take as much as YOU need. Whether that’s weeks or years. Time really is the best healer. In fact, ‘Time heals all wounds’ is a cliché for a reason. Know that this too shall pass.

So, How Do You Know That You’re Ready to Date Again?

You have come to a place where you are not hurt and emotional anymore about the break-up! You have gotten to the point where you are able to have a conversation without talking about your ex! Finally, you are able to let go of what could have been and leave the past in the past and only take the lessons you have learnt with you.

You will know if you are ready to date if you are excited about getting back out there again. 

If you’re looking forward to meeting someone new and feel that you are ready to move forward with your life then you are ready.  However, if you’re continually romanticising and thinking about your ex. If you just want to go on dates to make your ex jealous and want you back it really is a strong sign you aren’t ready yet!

Conclusion

Break-ups can be hard to get over and you may need some help to do that. If you are struggling, why not book in a free discovery call – you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. It’s simple, just book here. 

Debbie xx

The post When Should You Start Dating After a Break-up? first appeared on Debbie Rivers.

The post When Should You Start Dating After a Break-up? appeared first on Debbie Rivers.