Nowadays everyone is throwing around the term narcissist and it seems that every 2nd person has dated one! However, being in a bad, even toxic relationship or “situationship: doesn’t mean you have been with a narcissist!
It seems people use the n-word when they are annoyed by someone’s selfish actions. They use it to describe anyone who is self-obsessed, however, being self-obsessed or selfish doesn’t mean you are a narcissist!
Narcissism isn’t as common as you may think and experts estimate that only around 5% of the population have it. Narcissism is a personality disorder, and one of 10 professionally diagnosable mental disorders. It goes way beyond selfish, self-absorbed behaviour. Another type of disorder that leads to a TERRIBLE relationship is dating a psychopath but I am sure I don’t need to tell you that!
The definition of a narcissistic personality disorder, according to the Mayo Clinic is where someone has an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for excessive attention and admiration from others. They lack empathy for other people and have troubled relationships.
The reality is if you are in a relationship with a narcissistic it is not going to go well for you and will be a toxic relationship!
No matter what you may tell yourself there isn’t a chance in hell of being able to be happy with a narcissist!
You need to realise that a narcissist will NEVER be a good partner for you.
They may look great, have success and all the external stuff you are impressed by but they don’t have what it takes to have a healthy relationship. They lay on the charm at the beginning but it is always for their own long-term benefit, not yours. A narcissist knows that if they are loving at the beginning of the relationship they will have someone who adores them – which is exactly what they want.
It starts off feeling amazing but those good feelings simply don’t last in the long run. If you are looking for respect, compassion, understanding, kindness and empathy – you can forget it as a narcissist won’t give them to you.
The charm you receive in the beginning won’t be remembered if your narcissistic partner is always putting you down to feel better about themselves!
It is important to know that there are a lot of people who have narcissistic tendencies but who actually don’t meet the full criteria to have a narcissistic personality disorder. They may not be a narcissist yet a relationship with them will also be rocky and I recommend you avoid that too!
Let’s look at what being in a relationship with a narcissist looks like. Because I know for many people they can end up with a narcissist because of that initial charm and seeing the supposed power/success without even realising it until they are hooked!
Hopefully, you will spot the signs before you get in too deep and take to heart what your partner has manipulated you into believing about yourself!
13 Signs You’re with a Narcissist
These are some of the biggest signs of a narcissistic relationship:
1. They use love bombing and flattery
When you meet a narcissist, they will move quickly overwhelming you with affection, attention, gifts, literally whatever it takes to win you over. They will be extra charming, but it will be charm without depth. They will build up trust, adapt to what you want and will often mirror you, what you want, even your insecurities to build a connection with all you have in common. Yet they will use this to manipulate you down the track.
2. A Narcissist acts entitled
The way a narcissist behaves is that they act like EVERYONE owes them something. They feel entitled which comes from the belief that they are special and deserve special treatment.
3. They act superior
Every narcissist has a distorted sense of self-esteem even though they secretly feel inadequate. They have a feeling of grandiosity and this is a defining characteristic of being a narcissist. The sense of superiority is their defence against their inadequacy. It shows up as them being cocky.
4. Live in a fantasy world
Reality doesn’t support a narcissist’s grandiose opinion of themselves, so they live in a fantasy world that is full of distortion, magical thinking and deception. They tell tall tales of unending success, brilliance and power.
5. The narcissist believes others are jealous of them
The narcissist thinks everyone wants to be them or be with them. Definitely not a great person to be in a relationship with! The reality is that narcissists envy others, so they think that everyone envies them as well. It often shows ups as paranoia.
On top of this a narcissist will feel threatened when someone has what they don’t. They don’t like people who challenge them or don’t bow to them. They use contempt to deal with this and will bully, intimidate or belittle others to force others into line.
5. The narcissist believes others are jealous of them
Empathy is essential for a healthy relationship and is the ability to understand how someone else is feeling. A narcissist can’t do this and isn’t interested in how you feel or your emotional world. They are not even aware of the impact they have on you. Because they don’t have the ability to identify with your feelings they will view you as an object to serve what they need. As a result, they don’t think twice about using you to get what they want. Often, they use guilt and shame to achieve this.
7. Narcissists are manipulative
Manipulations is what a narcissist excels at. They are skilled at getting you to do what works for them. They will use fear, guilt and shame to manipulate you and make you question your perception of reality to the point where you feel like you are going crazy.
8. They have to be admired
Admirations is what a narcissist NEEDS and thrives on. They continually look for validation, have to have admiration and rely on external feedback to exist! They will flirt and want attention from everyone. If you are with someone who is always looking for you and others to make them feel good about themselves it is a HUGE red flag. exist.
9. The narcissist needs to come first
They will always put themselves first and your needs won’t matter – ever!
10. They don’t even pay attention to your needs
They may do things you like. However, narcissists have a tendency to forget and not even realise what you need. They don’t see you as someone who matters, too.
11. Aggression is something a narcissist has a higher tendency for
Narcissists have a higher tendency to be aggressive. An analysis of 437 studies found that narcissism is a risk factor for violence and aggression.
12. They can’t deal with feedback
A narcissist is highly sensitive to any type of feedback. However, they don’t have any trouble being hypercritical of you and telling you everything that doesn’t measure up.
13. Are obsessed with success
You will see that they have a BIG need to be powerful and successful. Feeling powerful and dominant is how they control other people and the narrative.
If you recognise these signs in the person you are with then you need to know that narcissism is a disorder that you won’t be able to fix. Recognise that you won’t be able to change them EVER.
All that will happen is you will lose who you are and end up feeling isolated from the people in your life that care about you. All because you will be the victim of the narcissist’s manipulation.
A healthy relationship takes empathy, compassion, love, understanding, the ability to listen and understand each other. And all of those things have to go both ways. This is one thing that doesn’t happen in a narcissistic relationship.
Honestly, the best thing you can do for YOU is to leave!
If you are struggling to know if your relationship can work or want to make sure you get it right the second time around, why not book in a free discovery call here. Because you can get stuck in a pattern of choosing the same type of person who will never work for you and coaching can help you break that pattern once and for all.