Is it just Chemistry or Real Love?


Everyone loves the idea of love and romance!

Love and romance are what inspires poetry, music, art and movies! It is something that is valued and sought after because it is a magical experience.

When it comes to love and dating, chemistry and sexual tension are often mistaken for love and romance.

Compatibility may be more important, yet it sounds boring and simply doesn’t seem as romantic or magical.

It’s all too easy to get caught up in that intoxicating feeling of chemistry – the excitement and passion are what we long for.

Did you know that nature has deliberately made it that way to ensure the survival of the human race! Now that doesn’t sound nearly as romantic does it!

The chemicals released with that chemistry allow you to overlook any red flags and issues about the person you fall for.

What Chemistry Is

Singles are looking for that spark and instant connection that comes from chemistry. They are looking to feel what they have never felt before. In fact, they put more importance on this than on anything else.

Now, chemistry does feel amazing and is hard to resist! The hormones released at this point are amazing and highly addictive. Research has found it is the same as being addicted to drugs.

The problem is that you can have a huge amount of chemistry with someone who isn’t healthy or compatible with you in any way.

That is why it is important to not confuse that spark of chemistry for real love.

Where Chemistry Comes From

I want to share a weird fact with you – chemistry comes from the experiences (conditioning) you had when you were growing up. Between the ages of 0 and 5, you were a sponge learning everything about the world around you, including love, from the people who bought you up.  You literally soaked up all the experiences and took in what you saw.  It gave you what love felt like.  As a result, you will feel instant chemistry with someone when you get that same familiar feeling. Your subconscious mind recognises that feeling as love and you will feel magnetically drawn to someone who matches this feeling.

If you came from a healthy family where you were shown love, were taken care of and it was an overall positive experience then you are likely to have chemistry with someone who matches that. It will be a healthy connection.

Yet, if you came from a broken family, a family that ignored you, didn’t support you, controlled you or was even toxic and abusive then you will often be attracted and have chemistry with someone who matches that. Even though it is the very thing that you don’t want!

Your brain will choose its childhood vision of love, what is familiar to you.

Your brain was programmed – your neural connections were hardwired through the experiences in your childhood through your experiences, emotions, successes/failures, beliefs, society’s ideals and even traumas.

So, when you meet someone who has matches that view you will find that magnetic pull of irresistible attraction. They may carry matching wounds or they may simply cause matching wounds!

This is exactly why chemistry is NOT the best indicator of a great relationship.

That magnetic pull will also allow you to get quickly attached to someone who can be toxic for you.

That Magical Spark Can:

  • Feel amazing and happy, especially at the start.
  • Make you feel like you are on an amazing high.
  • Shut down your judgement and decision-making ability in relation to the person you are attracted to.

However, it will feel great until you find yourself feeling the same emotions you did in the past when you were hurt and not cared for like you did in your childhood. It will trigger you and bring up those old wounds.

It gets confusing because you can feel that chemical high and then the painful low and familiar hurt.  The good feelings from the dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin will keep you stuck in that loop of feeling good and bad. You stay for the good feelings and endure the bad ones.

Eventually, it becomes too much and it is like we sober up from being under the influence and wonder what we ever saw in the other person!

Healthy Connection

Chemistry is why you can be attracted and fall in love with someone who isn’t good for you.  If you have come from a less than perfect childhood it can be hard to accept someone who will love and support you because it just doesn’t feel the same.

It can also feel boring after the highs and lows of those roller-coaster relationships, so you question it.

Yet if you allow it to grow, you will find that you get a stronger connection and attraction with them.

It can be a slower, deeper process than the quick feeling chemistry creates. This is because your brain is experiencing something different, something outside our comfort zone of what is familiar. However, you will find with this type of relationship your connection and attraction will grow and create a healthy, wonderful long-lasting chemistry.

This is about true connection and compatibility between the two of you.

To be able to do this you need to be self-aware of your own patterns, wounds and what you really desire. It allows you to not be fooled by something that will not ultimately make you happy and see it for what it is!

Fool’s gold looks way better than gold, yet it doesn’t have any value! Toxic chemistry generated relationships are the same!

As you become aware and heal, you will start to feel chemistry for a different type of person. You will find that you are no longer attracted to the type of person you used to be. It will allow you to connect with someone who will support and truly love you in a healthy way.

This doesn’t mean you won’t experience problems from time to time. As any relationship will challenge you and allow you to grow further.

There is no such thing as perfect, just someone who is right for you and who fits you well.

Healthy relationships feel different – more even and supportive. They don’t come with the drama of toxic chemistry. In these new healthy relationships, you won’t feel in the depths of despair or feel like you aren’t good enough or that you have to continually prove yourself. You will get off that toxic rollercoaster of emotions.

You may feel this sounds boring just now as you are so used to that rollercoaster ride that you couldn’t imagine anything else. Yet, the feeling of fulfilment, when you are truly supported by someone who has your back is so much better.


If you want some help to get know how to create healthy chemistry, why not schedule a free discovery call? If you chose to work with me you will have everything to gain and nothing to lose, right? Just click here. 


Debbie xx

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