How to Trust Yourself After Love Hasn’t Worked Out

How Do Trust Yourself After Love Hasn’t Worked Out

I am sure you have heard that all you need to do is trust yourself, follow your gut instinct and everything will work out. Sounds easy right! But it you have ever fallen in love and had it crash and burn before your very eyes it doesn’t feel that easy. How do you trust yourself again especially when you  thought they were the right one?

When this happens. it leaves you doubting your own judgement to the point that you don’t even trust yourself anymore!

Everyone tells you to trust your gut feeling/intuition and you can’t go wrong. 

But that hasn’t been your reality, has it?

  • If your reality is that you have experienced heartache and pain from your own choices, it leaves you wondering how the hell can you trust yourself to get it right the next time around?
  • Maybe you have watched your parent’s relationship fall apart, leaving you thinking what is the point it all turns out badly, or
  • You have lost faith in love and relationships because you have seen so many failed relationships, or
  • It could just be that you are keen to get it right and want to know how to be able to trust yourself!

If you answered yes to any of these, there is good news you can learn to trust yourself again.

The reality is when you learn how to really listen to your powerful instinct and intuition – your deep gut feeling – it will keep you safe and allow you to make healthy choices. 

What is your Intuition

Everyone has intuition! It is about listening to it. Your intuition or gut feeling is your immediate understanding of something – you don’t need to think about it you just know.

The dictionary definition of Intuition: ‘the ability to understand something instinctively, without the need for conscious reasoning.’

Your intuition or gut feeling is a feeling you have in your body. It is unique to you.

Trusting your intuition is the ultimate way of trusting yourself.

People may give you advice and have ideas about what is right for you.  Other people’s motives can vary! They can be coming from the right place or may come from selfish, dishonest or even harmful motives.

Instead of listening to everyone else, your intuition will tell you what is really right for you. This is something only YOU can know. It can lead you in the direction of what is best for YOU.

What Gets in the Way of Being About to Trust Yourself

I mentioned that everyone has intuition, you just need to learn how to listen to it. If you haven’t been in touch with your intuition it can be a process to learn how to listen to your inner knowing.

The good news is that your intuition is something that is instinctual!

1. Overthinking Stops You Being Able to Trust Yourself

Remember that your intuition is understanding something instinctively without conscious reasoning! So, the biggest enemy of your intuition is overthinking. If you analyse and go through every possible outcome it will take you away from your gut instinct and intuition. Justifying and rationalising what you are doing it is a sign that you doubt yourself and that you are not going on instinct.

When you have plenty of possibilities overthinking leads to confusion and feeling overwhelmed. All this does is leave you stuck in decisions without clarity about what you should do.  There is a word for this – analysis paralysis. Analysis paralysis is when you have too many choices so you don’t make one! This is an all too common problem in the dating world!

Overthinking leaves you out of touch with your intuition.

2. Wanting Something Stops You Being Able to Trust Yourself

Have you ever wanted a relationship or someone so much that you ignored your intuition or any red flags? When you need something, you can overlook anything to get it. That could be wanting love, acceptance, children, approval, or anything else. That need to have your needs met is powerful! When you are only focused on satisfying your desire at any cost it doesn’t allow any chance to follow your intuition. In fact, when you want something so much you can suppress that inner knowing. This will be especially true if your intuition is opposed to what you want.

 3. Bias can override intuition

Your unconscious bias and prejudices can override your intuition if you are not aware of them. When you are coming from your unconscious bias and prejudices your brain will automatically make its judgement on past experiences.

The brain does this to keep you safe, but it often has the opposite effect.  Your unconscious bias and prejudices don’t allow you the space to tap into your intuition. Cognitive bias is a strong, preconceived opinion of someone or something, built on the information you have about them, perceive to have, or don’t have. These preconceptions are mental shortcuts your brain has for it to quickly process and make sense of what is happening.

This can be especially true if you have been hurt in the past. You will be looking at everything they do from the perspective of being hyper-focused on any potential signs. Your brain sees what you focus on.

4. Shoulds or Rules

The shoulds you have are often the rules you live by that are based on what other people want you to do. If you find yourself saying I should go on a second date so I don’t hurt their feelings or I should like them because they are ‘nice’, you are coming from the wrong place. Your shoulds are often about what you feel other people think you should be doing, rather than coming from your intuition. Shoulds take away the focus from you and how you feel and move you away from your intuition. When you ask how something feels for you, it allows you to come from your gut feeling and intuition.

5. Authority

Similar to shoulds authority figures in your life can have the power to override your intuition and gut instinct. You may still be living by their rules and what they feel is right for you rather than what you want. This could be your parents, family members, boss or any authority figure. What out what you feel is right for you and find your own voice. Living for everyone else will cut you off from your intuition.

6. Trauma/Abuse in Childhood

What happens in childhood impacts the rest of your life. If you have experienced abuse in your childhood it can make you not trust yourself or leave you feeling that it was your fault. Trusting your intuition is about trusting yourself and if you have experienced trauma/abuse it can be difficult to do without working on it. Professional support is recommended.

How to Strengthen Your Intuition and Trust Yourself

Let’s look at what you can do to get in touch with your gut feeling and intuition.

1. Slow Down

When you are busy rushing around or distracted you will miss valuable insights. Slowing down allows you to see and process what is happening. It is important to get out of your mind and notice what is happening in your body. Did you know that 80% of your insights come from your body to your mind! Therefore, it is important to notice what your body is telling you.

Slowing down is about letting go of overthinking. Maybe you need to take some time for yourself or step back from a situation for a while to get the insight you need.

For example, if you are trying to work out if someone is right for you, take some time apart to work out how you feel.

When you slow down you allow yourself space to feel what you are feeling and get in touch with your intuition. Slowing down allows you to let go of distractions and change your perspective. Then you are able to see and feel what is right for you.

How do you slow down? There are many ways including breathing, meditation, exercise, walks in nature, yoga or anything that will allow you to let go of being in your head.

2. Notice What you Feel

Intuition comes from what you are feeling and the sensations you have in your body. Start to notice what you are feeling during the day. Identify what emotion you are feeling, name it and observe how your body responds to that emotion.

If you know you are feeling anger, name that and then notice how that feels in your body. For example, if you are angry, do your muscles feel tight, can you feel your blood boil, do you have shallow breathing or specific sensations? Where do you feel the anger in your body? Do you clench your fists, feel tightness in your neck, do you tighten your jaw, etc. When you are angry what do you feel? Practice noticing what you feel by being curious about what is happening in your body when you feel an emotion. Pay attention to your breathing, heart rate and tension in your muscles to see how your body reacts and what it is telling you.

When you go against your intuition your body will also give you messages, notice them. For example, when you are not speaking up, you may get a sore throat. Or if you are ignoring your gut feeling you could experience bloating or stomach issues.

If you are trying to decide whether someone is right for you, think about them and see what you feel. Maybe you have a feeling of dread in your stomach, or you clench your teeth or you feel excited. Be curious about what these bodily sensations are telling you. 

These steps put you in touch with what you feel in your body rather than in the story you are telling yourself in your head. See if you can notice the difference! This is important as you can get stuck in overthinking rather than being in tune with what your body is telling you. Remember that your intuition comes from what you are feeling.

3. It’s About you

To realise what your intuition is telling you, the focus has to be on you. In fact, it is all about you. Ask yourself, ‘What do I want and need’, ‘What’s important to me?’

It is can be easier to focus on what other people want and need. Forgetting or losing yourself, particularly in relationships. When you focus on yourself you will find your intuition. Get rid of the outside influences so you can connect with what YOU want. Your gut instinct and intuition is the wisest part of you. That is why it is important to focus on how things feel for you. It is the easiest way to be safe!

4. Act

Coming from your gut instinct and intuition makes your life easier and allows you to live your best possible life. It allows you the freedom to trust yourself and that is liberating.

When you learn to trust yourself, you need to make sure that you act on it.

Trusting your intuition is a process so I recommend you take bite-sized steps, to begin with. As you see results, it will motivate you to keep following your inner knowing.

Your intuition will become strong, it will keep you safe and guide you to the life and the relationships that make YOU happy.


Learning to trust yourself is a process, be patient and start to listen to yourself. If you are still struggling with being able to trust yourself, why not book in for a coaching call?

Debbie – Relationship Coach

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