How do you really know if someone is right for you on a date?
Is there some way to know or some test you can do to save wasting any more of your precious time and protect your heart?
Especially if you have:
- Met someone you liked but missed the red flags and the warning signs.
- Been hurt by someone you loved, or
- You want to make sure you get it right the first time around!
How can you do this and what should you look for on a date to make sure they are right for you?
Are there specific questions you need to ask or signs you need to test for?
This is a tricky question because in my experience there isn’t a specific guaranteed test to make sure they are right for you.
The brutal truth is people can pass your tests and hide their red flags and be toxic. In fact, I find the players, narcissists, etc are so skilled in telling you what you want to hear that you won’t spot them until it is too late. They are so skilled because they do it so often that it is second nature to them.
Whereas, your average single can be nervous and not as charismatic on a date as they are in their daily life. Therefore, you can overlook the person who could have been your perfect match.
I also want to say that if you go into each date focusing on what you don’t want, you are likely to find it.
I recommend you focus on how you want to feel and take things slowly to find out if they are right for you. Why slowly?
Because people take time to show you who they are and you need to observe their actions over time to see if they are right for you. Actions will always speak louder than words.
9 Things You Can Do on a Date
1. Be Clear About What YOU Want
It is important to start dating by being clear about what you want. Most people think they know what they are looking for but haven’t taken any time to actually think about it. When I ask them, they may say something like this: “I am looking for someone who looks a certain way, who makes them laugh, is intelligent and fun to be around.” They will be very clear about how someone looks, and how tall they are but are not clear about the person’s character, personality or qualities.
It is easy to get caught up in superficial traits, like how they look, their height/body type, how smart they are or how much money they make. The problem is that someone who is smart, rich and good-looking can be cold and mean. They can make you feel very unhappy in a long-term relationship! I guarantee you will remember how they make you feel and forget how good-looking they are.
What is important to look for to make sure they are right for you is that they have a good character, emotional intelligence and kindness.
You want someone who can feel empathy (empathy is being able to understand another person’s thoughts and feelings in a situation from their point of view, rather than your own).
Get clear about what is really important in a healthy relationship.
2. Too Good to be True!
If someone seems too good to be true, they generally are. They may tell you they love you, before getting to know you. The type of person who comes on strong can lose interest just as quickly! This type of person will fall for the picture they have of you in their head, rather than who you are. They project that fantasy onto you and as soon as they start to see reality they can disappear. They could either be a minor flaw or one that doesn’t even exist.
Or you can have the person who comes on strong to win you over and then changes when they know they have. It feels great in the beginning, being showered with compliments only to have it turn into criticism in the relationship.
How does that look in real life? Maybe they tell you that you make the best food they have ever tasted. Then months down the track, they tell you that you are useless and can’t cook. It makes you feel like you are going crazy and how did you even end up with someone who makes you feel like crap. It is not about you, they have hidden who they are. This is why taking things slow is the key to finding the right one for you.
Beware of someone who moves too quickly and who exaggerates. They want to move fast and are in a hurry to either have sex or win your love. Why do they do this? Because they know if they don’t move fast, you will see them for what they really are!
If someone is coming on strong, slow them down. Don’t get into a relationship before you have had the time to get to know who someone actually is. If they aren’t willing to take their time, know that you haven’t missed out! In fact, I believe it will have saved you from being hurt down the track.
4. Simple Question to Know if they are Right for YOU!
This simple question will tell you a lot about the person you are on a date with. It is a harmless question that people usually answer truthfully.
“Ask them what they think about people in general”. This is a great question as humans generally project their own faults onto other people. We think that people think and act like we do.
What you are looking for is the generalisations that they make. If they answer and say that they think all people are liars, they are probably a liar! If they think people are users, cheaters or dishonest it is likely that they are. Take note of their generalisations, as they will usually be about them.
However, if they feel that people have good/bad qualities/flaws they are likely to be someone you want to date.
Note: The exception can be someone who has been cheated on in the past. This person can be looking for and focusing on warning signs. It may not mean they have cheated but it does mean they have not healed from their past. This can become an ongoing issue in a relationship that can tear you apart over time. You can only take someone accusing you of something you don’t do for so long!
5. Do they Hate the World?
If they tell you they hate people, that they hate other humans in general it’s not a great sign! People may jokingly say that they hate the world or people as a flippant one-off comment, this is not what I mean. You want to see the pattern of generalisation and the pattern of not liking other people. Because the reality is that If someone can’t love other people, they will not be able to love you either. Take notice!
6. Ask them this!
When you go on an interview you will often be asked what your bad qualities are. You can do this on a date, although I don’t recommend it early on as it can just be negative rather than enjoying a fun date. If you are slowly getting to know someone you have plenty of time to see who they really are!
Everyone has a mix of good and bad qualities, it’s what makes us human! So, if they say they don’t have any bad qualities you know they are either lying or not aware of their faults. You want to date the type of person who has emotional intelligence.
7. Lose Assumptions to See if They are Right for YOU
Most people will be honest and tell you the truth if you ask specific questions. However, if you don’t ask clear questions and make an assumption you set yourself up for disappointment. Don’t be scared to find out what someone’s intentions are!
Sex can change things and stop you from seeing the situation objectively. Women tend to become more attached and invested in being in a relationship. While men can run the risk of being disinterested when it happens too quickly. Make your rational choice about the other person before you muddy the waters with sex! Ladies to find out more, read – Find out When to Have Sex with Him.
Don’t fall for their potential rather than the reality. The truth is that people rarely change and they will only do so if they really want to, not because you want them to.
Conclusion to Know if they Are Right for YOU
I recommend you go into dating focussing on what you want. It is important to have fun dating (yes it’s possible) and take your time to get to know who someone really is. That is the best way that you can find out if someone is right for you.
If you are struggling and stuck in a toxic pattern, give me a call, I can help you break it and finally find the right person for you.
Or, if one on one coaching isn’t for you, check out How to Choose the Best Match for You.
Debbie, Relationship Coach