Deb, Help! How do I Navigate Sex Over 40 & After My Divorce?

Deb, Help! How do I Navigate Sex Over 40 & After My Divorce? Was the heading of the email I received from Amanda:

 Deb, my marriage ended and I’m finally ready to get back out there dating. It is equally exciting and terrifying! I have been off the market for 20 years and the thought of getting naked in front of someone new petrifies me, especially now I’m almost 50.  My body isn’t quite what it used to be. How do I navigate sex over 40?

There are all of these questions I need to ask, like when should I have sex with someone new? Because I have heard that men expect sex much sooner than they used to and if you don’t give it to them they move on to someone else. I don’t think I feel comfortable having sex so quickly! Deb, I need your help and advice. Thanks in advance, Amanda.

Here is My Answer – Sex Over 40

Sex after a divorce or long-term relationship can feel scary at any time let alone when you are thinking of having sex over 40. 

I hear you, Amanda! It’s a normal thought to feel like your body isn’t what it once was.

I know how it feels, I’ve been there after my marriage ended after 21 years.

Just like Amanda, I had so many thoughts going through my head! I had met my ex-husband when I was 18 and been with him since. He had met me at my thinnest and he loved me as time when by. Now, my body wasn’t the same after having three kids.

I am not sure why your marriage ended, Amanda, but if your partner left for someone else it can be even more difficult. Because that type of rejection can seriously attack your confidence.

But, I want to reassure you and let you know that your best days are not over and you can have great sex at any age!

You can lose the fear and know that good times are ahead of you! Ha, literally.

The good news is that, especially for women, sex gets better the older you are. You might have heard that you hit your peak in your 30s but that’s not true, it gets even better in your 40s and 50s (something I know firsthand). 

You get to a place where you know what you like and you feel so much more comfortable in your own skin.

5 Tips to Have Sex Over 40

 

1. Only Have Sex When YOU are Ready

There is no timeframe where you have to have sex. It is important to have sex when YOU are ready not because you feel you have to or because everyone else is having sex.

Maybe you have heard that everyone has sex on the 2^nd or even the first date. Or you could have heard that nowadays people will move on with someone else if it takes longer than 3 dates for you to have sex. When you hear this type of thing it is normal to worry that you might miss out because it takes you longer to feel comfortable. 

But, you don’t have to do this.  You don’t have to be intimate with anyone within a set timeframe or before you feel comfortable.

You won’t miss out on being with a great guy because you don’t have sex straight away. 

You will come across people who only want sex, but if that isn’t the only thing you are looking for then it is no loss if they move on to someone who is willing to give them that.

Men will respect you for having boundaries and doing what is right for YOU.  Again, those who don’t respect your boundaries, or care about how you feel are no loss to you!

Just because everyone else is fine with casual sex over 40 doesn’t mean you have to be. You will find that different people have different points of view on sex.

It is essential to be true to yourself and allow yourself to discover what feels good and right for YOU.

Oh, and if you put yourself under too much pressure you won’t be relaxed enough to enjoy the experience anyway.

Enjoy all the stages that come before sex! Personally, I love kissing! Remember ‘pashing’ – such an Australian word, as a teenager when you couldn’t have sex. It was so much fun and it built up the anticipation and excitement of what you couldn’t have!

Kissing is enjoyable especially after being in a long-term relationship. Those early stages of kissing and touching are delightful. Enjoy it. Enjoy every single kiss, touch and moment. The wonderful anticipation, the feeling of being wanted and desired is truly wonderful.

Savour it and make the most of it. They all build the anticipation and help you feel comfortable with the person you are with.

2. Don’t Point out Your Faults

It is time to stop focusing on what you don’t like about your body. Don’t obsess over what you don’t like or what you feel is flawed.

Instead of finding fault in yourself, be thankful for your body. Your body is amazing and keeps you alive. It is so much more than how you see it.

Take a moment to be thankful for your body. That could be, being thankful for those stretch marks because they came from the most amazing experience of giving birth to a child. Or be thankful for your belly/gut as it digests your food and keeps you healthy. Be thankful for your legs that carry you around. You get the picture!

When you find yourself obsessing or putting yourself down – STOP IT! This is a simple yet effective action that works.

When you do meet a man, don’t point out your faults. He doesn’t see what you see!

The real honest truth is that men love women’s bodies! They are thrilled to have a woman in front of them – with or without clothes.

Men especially love to have a naked woman in front of them! They don’t see what you see, that is until you point it out!

Do not tell him your faults or insecurities! When you point them out he will see them and won’t be able to unsee them.  It also comes across as you being insecure and insecurity in anyone isn’t attractive.

 Let me tell you that most men are not anywhere near as harsh as you are with yourself!

Oh, and if you do come across an overly critical man … get rid of him. Life is too short to waste time on men who don’t value you or who put you down.

Hating your own body is a complete waste of your time and your energy!  It is time to lovingly accept yourself so others can.

3. The First Time Isn’t Always the Best

The first time you have sex over 40, it doesn’t have to be the best sex of your life. In fact, it isn’t always the best and it doesn’t have to be. 

You will have a range of feelings that come up. There could be guilt for being with someone new. Or, if your partner left you for someone younger you might be doing revenge sex! Maybe you want it to be amazing to show them! All this does is put too much pressure on the experience.  It doesn’t result in the fun experience you are looking for.

The advice I would give you is to view it as a new experience and allow your instincts to take over.

If you have followed point 1 and spent a lot of time ‘making out’ it will happen naturally.

4. Don’t Make Comparisons to Your Ex

Comparisons may be normal! But resist the temptation to compare the new person to your ex. Instead, make an effort to be in the moment with the person you are with.

You might be used to doing the same old thing, like always having sex in the missionary position. Now you are with someone new it lets you experiment and try something different or even new!

Be playful, experiment and most important of all don’t overthink it! It gives you a wonderful opportunity to discover what YOU like and what YOU want.

The bonus of being with someone new is they will want to please and satisfy you and won’t be stuck on what you used to like.

5. Practice Safe Sex Over 40

Give yourself full permission to have fun but always make sure you practice safe sex!

Did you know that there is a rise in sexually transmitted diseases for older singles? In fact, the over 40s, 50s, 6 s and 70s have the highest rates of STDs.

Why because as they are no longer worried about pregnancy they overlook the need to still use protection to prevent STDs.

There are many sexually transmitted diseases you don’t want to get.

Don’t be paranoid, simply be safe.

Conclusion to Sex Over 40

I hope you have found my answer to Amanda helpful if you are divorced, over 40 and worried about having sex again. You can find more tips in, When Should You Have Sex with Him?

If you are newly single and not sure how to get the results you want, why not book a free call to see how I can help?

Debbie, Relationship Coach