9 Simple Ways to Stop Being Angry about your Divorce

angry about your divorce

How Do You Stop Being Angry About Your Divorce?

People think that walking away from a relationship is the easy option! But anyone who has gone through a divorce knows it is anything BUT the easy option. The truth is that divorce is one of the hardest things you will ever go through. Nothing and no one prepares you for the roller coaster of emotions that you are going to feel! Or tells you how to stop being angry about your divorce.

It will be tough if you are the one who has been left and it is also tough if you chose to leave.

I know when I experienced my own divorce I hung onto guilt, shame, regret and failure way longer than I needed to.  It affected me and the relationships I had in a big way. I wish I had, had someone that does what I do to make it easier for me back then!

What I do know is it didn’t need to take me as long as it did to move through it. I could have saved myself SO MUCH PAIN. It is one of the biggest reasons I do what I do. I want to help you either avoid the situation or deal with the feeling and emotions resourcefully.

Let Me Tell You…..

You will experience all the emotions of grief.  Shock, denial, pain, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, loneliness, reflection and finally acceptance.

All of these feelings are normal, acceptable and understandable.  In fact, it is healthy to feel the feelings rather than suppress them.  You might be surprised to know that feeling those feelings will actually let you stop being angry about your divorce.

You may be shocked by some of your feelings, especially anger! Anger has a bad reputation, however,  it plays an important role (to find out more – read the Anger Iceberg). But I want to reassure you that anyone who has been through a divorce will feel waves of anger, fury, and resentment that things didn’t work!

The feelings can be so intense and overwhelming that they scare you and leave you wondering how you can stop feeling this way!

You will find yourself questioning when it will pass and if it is even normal to feel the way you do.

Don’t worry it is normal and it can pass it you allow it to! Life hasn’t worked out the way you thought it would so of course you are going to feel regret. 

Letting go of what you thought your life would be is so TOUGH!

Reasons you are angry about your divorce:

  1. There was betrayal or cheating involved.
  2. There was a build-up of anger and resentment in the relationship. This could be months, years or even decades with the hostility that wasn’t talked about. Or if it was talked about, it wasn’t ever resolved.
  3. What happens during the divorce. Like issues involving custody of children, how to split the money and feelings of things not being fair.
  4. Putting children in the middle of your divorce conflict. 
  5. One of you already has a new partner.

How Long Does It Take 

As you can see there are so many reasons you will be angry about your divorce. Some of the reasons are much harder to deal with than others. The time it will take you to stop being angry after your divorce will depend on your own personal situation and of course what you do with your feelings.

Some people get over their anger quicker than others, depending on how they work through the emotions that come up. While other people hang onto the pain for decades making themselves and everyone around them unhappy. I don’t need to tell you that this doesn’t help anyone including any children involved.

If you are Struggling to Stop Being Angry About Your Divorce

First of all, I want you to know that feeling anger, resentment, regret, etc are all completely natural. If you realise that you are having trouble letting go of those feelings that’s ok because self-awareness is always the first step in letting something go.

I also know that time does make it easier to stop being angry about your divorce!

What you Can Do to Stop Being Angry at Your Divorce

Let’s talk about what you can do to get to the place where you are able to let the anger, the hurt, the guilt, the shame, the feelings of failure and the resentment go!

1. What you Resist Persists

What you try hard to resist will persist! That is why it is so important to allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. If you push your feelings down, they will eventually come up and often at the most inappropriate time!. It is easy to see your emotions as either good or bad! However, every emotion has a purpose and there is a reason you are feeling it. Anger is always communicating something to you – listen to what it is saying! In the beginning, the emotions will be intense but as time goes on it will get easier. After that initial period, allow yourself 5 to 10 minutes a day to feel and say everything out loud, even write it down. Believe it or not, this is actually a long time and you might even find yourself running out of things to say. This allows you to release your internal pressure so you don’t become a pressure cooker!

2. What you Focus on

What you focus on you feel and see more off. You need to feel those feelings but you don’t want to become stuck in them, making a bigger case for being angry. Take the focus off what you have lost and what you don’t have. Things may not have turned out how you wanted them to but that doesn’t mean that you are destined for a life of pain and misery. Start to focus on being kind to yourself. Be your own best friend and start to build things into your life that you enjoy and that make you happy. Focus on what you want and what feels good for YOU. Take up a new interest or reconnect with something you used to love doing. Discover yourself all over again.

3. Letting Go

Letting go of the anger, regret, guilt, shame and resentment doesn’t mean that you have to pretend it didn’t happen. You know it did and the real truth of your situation. But you really don’t have to continue to hang onto those toxic feelings.    

Forgiving someone or yourself is not about the other person, but about you. When you hold on to anger or can’t forgive yourself or the other person it is literally like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die! The only person it really hurts is you! To find out more on how to forgive – Read Forgive Others – Moving On. You can’t change what happened so please don’t allow it to ruin your future happiness.       

4. Instead of Wishing You Hadn’t

Instead of saying I wish I had never married them, reframe your thoughts. It could be that you have grown and finally realise your own value. Or if you had children together, that they wouldn’t have existed if you didn’t marry your partner. Make it a daily practice to focus on the silver lining, no matter how small. When you do this, you are rewiring your brain and changing how you feel – it works.       

5. A Day at a Time

It sounds corny, but focus on one moment, one day at a time. Don’t spend your time in the past or in the future – be in the now!    

6. What-if Trap

Don’t get stuck in the what-if trap! Like what your ex is doing with the money they took from you. Or, what is happening with your ex and their new partner. Or if they love their new partner more than they loved you, or will they turn the kids against you or take more money away from your children. These thoughts won’t help you and will only make you feel WORSE! 

7. Power

Please don’t let the situation/person have the power over you. Don’t allow them to bring out the worst in you. Choose your thoughts as carefully as you chose what you are going to wear.

8. Talk About it

Talk it out with people who have gone through a similar situation and come out the other side. They will understand exactly where you are. However, don’t fall into the trap of venting to people who are equally angry or bitter. Why? Because you can stay stuck there and all that bitterness will rub off on you and stop you from moving on.

There are some people who can’t let the anger and the pain go for decades. They go over and over what happened to them, continually focussing on that rather than letting it go. Those people usually end up alone – without friends or a new relationship. Because all they talk about is how their ex did them wrong and no want wants to hear that year, after year. In fact, it will end up affecting even their professional life. Don’t let them affect you or become one of them.

9. Get Help

Remember divorce is one of the hardest things you will ever go through and you don’t have to do it alone! Getting professional help will help you stop being angry about your divorce. Getting help will allow you to work out what you are feeling and how to deal with it as quickly as possible.

There are so many feelings that come up that you might not realise what they are or how to get over them. You will have feelings about your separation, other feelings about the effect on your children and then there is the division of assets. Then to top it off you might have to deal with them moving on quickly with someone new.

There will be mixed feelings and so many different emotions that will come up throughout the process.! You may feel furious that they have moved on so quickly but at the same time know that you wanted the divorce as much as they did. Working out your emotions with a coach or therapist will let you unpick what you are feeling and how to deal with it in a healthy supportive way. Getting to the bottom of what you are feeling helps you deal with it and let it go. There are 

Getting the right help is invaluable to be able to move!  I know my clients say that I have helped them not bring their past into their future

Conclusion to Stop Being Angry About your Divorce

As you are reading these 9 tips you may feel like it is easy to write these impersonal words about divorce. But for me, they are very personal words as I experienced divorce firsthand.

Letting go of the anger can also save you money, you only have to ask any divorce lawyer! Anger costs a lot of money in a divorce! The real honest truth is angry people are usually the ones that want to hurt their ex in court financially or through custody battles. However, the revenge is short-lived when the agreement that is reached could have been made without the expensive price tag attached!

The reality is you will be happier when you are able to let go of the negative emotions attached to your divorce. It may feel tough, but trust me when I tell you first-hand that the benefits outweigh any benefit of holding onto them.

The real honest truth is holding onto those negative emotions will only hurt you and rob you of joy. Holding onto negative emotions takes so much more energy in the long run.  

After all, you deserve the life you have always imagined. A life full of love, joy, peace, acceptance and happiness.

If you are still struggling to get past your being angry about your divorce, why not book a free discovery call?

Debbie.

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